"Faith Healer Loses Patient During Routine Miracle"

WAYCROSS, GA—A routine laying-on of hands ended in a fatal cardiac embolism for a worshiper at the One, True, Glorious, Excruciated, And Risen Christ Traveling Gospel Church Sunday. "Losing a fellow Christian is always the hardest part of this job," attending faith healer Harlon Pearcey said. "I invoked the name of the Holy Trinity to drive the sickness out from the poor sinner's heart, but sadly, a blockage in the sinner's pulmonary artery stopped God's love, and much blood, from getting through." The American Faith-Healing Association issued a statement saying that Pearcey followed trinity-invocation and snake-handling guidelines during the procedure.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/42376

:spray::spray::spray::spray::spray::spray::spray:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/42365

Metal Council Convenes To Discuss 'Metal Hand Sign' Abuse

"The metal sign, or 'sign of the goat,' has all but lost its impact as a token of respectful recognition for something truly 'rocking' or 'metal,'" SMC president Terence "Geezer" Butler said. According to Butler, members are upset that their sacred gesture is being used to acknowledge and celebrate "favorable but clearly non-metal events."

"We have all heard the reports of people using it to greet their in-laws, or after starting their lawn mowers with a single pull," Butler said. "But recently it was brought to our attention that someone used the gesture in a Texas convenience store after snagging the last box of carrot cakes. This simply won't do."

<snip>

"This man here, who invokes the sign merely to indicate his joy that his microwave popcorn is done: He is not metal," Sixx said. "We have it on good authority that he prefers the music of Tim McGraw and that the magic word of 'Zoso' has never passed his lips."

Should the abuse continue, Butler said the council "will defer the matter to Satan."


Please tell me there are other metal heads who peed themselves after reading this!

but it's pretty dang good. Love the picture...

I thought the "Church of the Sacred Bleeding Heart of Jesus located somewhere in Los Angeles California" was a good name, but this is much better.