I am sooooo evil--bwahahahaha

Next weekend when I have to work with Ms. Holy Roller Hymnal Brigade I'm going to have a little surprise for her. I've bastardized one religious song, and am almost done with a second, which is one of her favorites.


#1

Jesus hates me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Because I don't sleep with men
He will hate me 'till the end

Yes, Jesus hates me
Yes, Jesus hates me
Yes, Jesus hates me
The Bible tell me so


#2 (A work in progress, perhaps someone here can fill in the blanks. I'm looking for any type of people the Christian Right disapproves of, one rhyming with "right".)

Jesus hates the little children
All the children of the world
Gay and Buddhist ---- and ----,
Just go ask the Christian Right
Jesus hates the little children of the world

...when I was forced to go Sunday after Sunday after Sunday after Sunday and sang these songs Sunday after Sunday after Sunday after Sunday... We could have had fun with your new lyrics!

And when Ms. Holy Roller takes offense and says she's going to pray for your soul, suggest that she pray for world peace instead so we can bring our soldiers home (damn xtians have been praying for world peace as long as I can remember and it's never happened. I guess their god is not powerful enough...)

Sung to the tune of the Oscar Meyer bologna theme song...

Oh my savior has a first name, it's J-E-S-U-S
My savior has a second name, it's C-H-R-I-S-T
Oh I love to praise him every day
And if you ask me why I'l saaaaaay
Cuz if he doesn't get his way, I'll burn in hell on judgment day.

I'll never be able to watch a stupid Oscar Meyer ad again without those words running through my head. Great!

I need a new keyboard...

Now I have more ammo! :rofl:

:spray: :woohoo: :rofl:

Jesus hates the little children
All the children of the world
Red and yellow, black and white,
He starves a million every night
Jesus hates the little children of the world...

Then there's this Golden Oldie, to the tune of "Has Anybody Seen My Gal:"

Five foot nine, looks so fine, walking down thru Palestine,
Has anybody seen my lord?
He's so neat, he's so cool, he walks across your swimming pool,
Has anybody seen my lord?

Well, if you run into a great big Jew
With scars on his bod
Sandals worn, crown of thorns
Bet you it's the son o' god!

Save your life, save your wife, go down to his place tonight
Has anybody seen my lord!

They are Hell-bound in His sight.

Now I'm all set for this weekend.

I got this from

http://www.jesusdance.org/


Well, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.

{Refrain}
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.

I don't care if it rains or freezes
As long as I've got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far

{Refrain}

I don't care if it's dark or scary
Long as I have magnetic Mary
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
I feel I'm protected amply
I've got the whole damn Holy Family
Riding on the dashboard of my car

{Refrain}

You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell
Goin' ninety, I'm not wary
'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell

{Refrain}

I don't care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car
Don't I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car

{Refrain}

No, I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
But I think he'll have to go
His magnet ruins my radio
And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar

{Refrain}

Riding through the thoroughfare
With his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind
Trouble coming, he don't see
He just keeps his eyes on me
And any other thing that lies behind

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Though the sun shines on his back
Makes him peel, chip, and crack
A little patching keeps him up to par

When pedestrians try to cross
I let them know who's boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning
I ride all over town
Trying to run them down
And it's seldom that they live to see the morning

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
His halo fits just right
And I use it as a sight
And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far

When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say Damn
I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
For he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Once his robe was snowy white
Now it isn't quite so bright
Stained by the smoke of my cigar

God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car
Joseph beams with a feigned elan
From the shaggy dash of my furlined van
Famous cuckold in the master plan

Naughty Mary, smug and smiling
Jesus dainty and beguiling
Knee-deep in the piling of my van
His message clear by night or day
My phosphorescent plastic Gay
Simpering from the dashboard of my van

When I'm goin' fornicatin
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
The women know I'm on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Sneerin' from the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Leering from the dashboard of my van

If I weave around at night
And the police think I'm tight
They'll never find my bottle, though they ask
Plastic Jesus shelters me
For His head comes off, you see
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask

Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar

I wish I knew all the words to the Python version of "All things bright and beautiful".

There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

GIRL:
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

MUM:
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

MEN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
WOMEN:
If a sperm is wasted,...
CHILDREN:
...God get quite irate.

PRIEST:
Every sperm is sacred.
BRIDE and GROOM:
Every sperm is good.
NANNIES:
Every sperm is needed...
CARDINALS:
...In your neighbourhood!

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
FUNERAL CORTEGE:
God needs everybody's.
MOURNER #1:
Mine!
MOURNER #2:
And mine!
CORPSE:
And mine!

NUN:
Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
HOLY STATUES:
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

EVERYONE:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaaate!

A Zombie, a zombie
Jesus wants me for a Zombie
A Zombie, a zombie
I'll be a Zombie for him.

We were supposed to be singing "Sunbeam" instead of Zombie. I will never forget the thrill of the choir master walking back and forth trying to figure out who was doing it.

My brother still brings it up at family gatherings...
Ahhhh...the little victories!

My girlfriend and I sat in the tiny pews in the kiddie chapel at Primary (Mormon kidly mid-week after-school service from the sixties) and sang, "a sun ... BEAM, a sun ... BEAM," emphasis on the beam, sung as high and squeaky as we could possibly manage, laughing like it was the funniest thing anyone ever did. Your version is much funnier.

when I was six to eightish. I rewrote Once Within a Lowly Manger. The only line I remember is "a loving mother laid her baby in a pig trough filled with straw." I thought it was so clever, but when I sang it to my mom, she didn't think it was the least bit funny. Thanks for the flashback!