Got your barf bag handy?

Cranston Says:

September 18th, 2008 at 1:47 am

I was unfortunate enough to see this movie at an industry preview. Think of the worst Lifetime movie you’ve ever seen (or seen an ad for) and scramble it with the worst idea for a Hallmark movie that ever got rejected and tossed in the garbage. What do you get? Read on:

If non-Christians are the target audience then I’m baffled as to what on earth the producers think is going to be the appeal here.

If Christians are the audience then I’m baffled as to what on earth the producers think is going to be the appeal here.

The promoters of this film are constantly sending out e-mails BEGGING people to buy hundreds (or thousands) of tickets so that the movie will have a good opening weekend. I suppose they realized that this thing ain’t gonna sell itself. Churches have better things to spend money and time on than paying for otherwise empty seats just because these people made a crappy movie.

Christians need to realize that supporting a movie just because other Christians made it is really lame. Then again, I guess if you’re the type of person who buys into the crock message in FACING THE GIANTS (the misguided notion that you’ll get anything and everything you want if you just pray for it) then there’s really no getting through to you.

And now to save you the trauma of sitting through anything longer than the trailer:

FIREPROOF is a movie about a fireman who… are you ready? NEVER FIGHTS A FIRE. The most harrowing act of bravery is right there in the trailer… they move a car off of the railroad tracks. Other than that, Kirk Cameron crawls under a house to escape a fire, but that’s about it.

As for the whole marriage problem… it pretty much falls apart because Kirk is pissed that his wife didn’t make dinner. I kid you not. That is what this entire movie rides on. The woman didn’t cook. Sadly, this isn’t played for laughs. We’re supposed to take it ever so seriously.

A couple days later Kirk gets mad because the wife ate all pizza before he got home from not fighting fires all day. Kirk erupts in a violent bout of acting, the likes of which I hope to never see again, as he spews forth anger at this woman who dared to not make him dinner or save him a slice of supreme. That’s the basis of their marital troubles.

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