Confession

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like ‘yes, I see,’ and ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, “No sh*t, what happened next?”

The new priest at his first mass was so afraid, he could hardly talk. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the monsignor how he could relax. The monsignor said, next week, it might help if you put martinis in your water pitcher. The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the monsignor how he did. The monsignor replied, "Fine, but there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again."

1. Next time, sip the martinis rather than downing them glassful by glassful.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. David slew Golaith, he didn't "Kick the sh-t out of him."
5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
6. We do not refer to Our Saviour, Jesus Christ and his disciples and J.C. and the boys.
7. Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.
8. We do not refer to the Cross as "The Big T."
9. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
10. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as, "Big Daddy, Junior and Spook."
11. We never refer to the Virgin Mary as Mary with the cherry.
12. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
13. When Joseph was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was "stoned off his ass."
14. And last but not least, when you leave the altar, walk down the steps, don't slide down the rail.