Self Betrayal

I'm feeling kind of serious this evening despite the light-hearted holiday happenings going on around me. I saw a great quote on here the other day, I think in someone's sig line, "Never assume that your enemy is smarter than you."

That got me thinking. I really don't have any enemies aside from the ones that every working class person has. They don't want to kill me, but they'd like to keep me giving them money and working for them until I die, and if they could figure out a way to make money on that I'm certain they would do it. And with a thread title like "Self Betrayal" you might assume my enemy is me. But even though I've done things to hurt myself, I did not come into the world as a naturally self destructive person. Nope, this self betrayal I'm talking about is simply the fact that I consistently sell myself short, deferring to others thinking that they know more than I do or are smarter than me. I short-change my own intelligence.

No one knows what is right for me better than I do.

Something that really throws me off sometimes is the fact that some people have ulterior motives. They aren't satisfied with doing their own thing and minding their own business like I am. I am smart enough to see through that, but sometimes I play the fool, not thinking that there is something a person like that is trying to get from me. I assume everyone is honest, in other words, and I get blind-sided sometimes because, well, not everyone is honest.

When I was a senior in high school, I was going to a vocational school. I had essentially dropped out of the college preparation curriculum at my home school in favor of learning a trade at a county school. At 16 years of age I had decided to become a working man. I still had a few regular high school classes and one of them was English. I got A's in that class all through my junior and senior years. One day the teacher took me aside after class. I thought I was in trouble because that was usually the only time a teacher wanted to talk to me in private. But she wanted to know what my plans were for after school. I told her I already had a job in a printing shop. She asked me if I had considered college and I told her that I hadn't. She looked me in the eye and said, "Don't sell yourself short."

She saw something good in me that I didn't and haven't until now. It sometimes takes a long time to unravel the mysteries of our own psyches. And if we have the learned behavior of thinking that we are inferior in some way, it can take even longer.

So, I am at a cross-roads. One way says "Business As Usual" the other says "Do Something About It." I can make my life better if I start thinking that I am worthy of it. For now, I'm going to consider it for a while and I'll leave you with a cool song that fits my mood.

"Crossing the Rubicon" by The Sounds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFi1QpAFCpc

There's a hole in the ground,
Where a key can be found.

To a place where they hide,
All their secrets inside.

There's a room with no sound,
There's a force all around.

There's no time,
And no space,
No mistakes,
To erase.

Crossing The Rubicon

I've got it pretty good by working joe standards. I have everything I need and I'm able to put back some money every month. I don't have to worry about anyone but me, which some might find kind of sad, but I'm okay with it. I could continue on my current path and never really worry about anything else; turn off my intellect and just kind of cruise through life.

I could also choose to develop my intellect and get back in school to finish up my degree. I could use my education to help me or to help others or both.

I could also continue to do what I'm doing now, but then add some activity where I give of myself to help others. I like this option the best so far. How would that make my life better? It would give me more of a sense of purpose, increased self esteem, and a state of well being. It is in my nature to give of myself.

What do you think?

if you're happy with where you are career wise, stay there but maybe take an adult or continuing ed course at the local community college. i did that for awhile and found it to be very fulfilling, but i've since allowed myself to become intellectually stagnant and i don't like how that feels.

you're a good man, tobin. good luck with whatever path you choose.

there is a time limit on the credits that you have already earned. might be use them or loose them. degrees last forever, but individual credits don't.

other than that, i would say that i am someone who needs to always be discovering new things, even if they are mundane. i just get itchy and bored. if you decide to go the route of giving your time to a good cause, i think you should try to choose one that includes a path to new experiences. doing the same thing over and over can not only be boring, but in the case of trying to help, bring change, can be very discouraging and soul sucking. make sure that whatever you do feeds you soul.