don't think i can deny it anymore

I'm depressed. Again.

I thought I was better. And I guess I "was". . . for a while.

Then I thought it was just the stress. and my anxiety worsening. So I finally started treating the anxiety and now I see there's no denying that the depression is definitely back - in spades.

Damn I do NOT want to go back on more meds. I was okay with the anti-anxiety = even though it made me sleepy as hell. I changed my dosage to just bedtime - and maybe a half during the day if things got overwhelming (sometimes a whole, but then I usually practically fall asleep at work. unacceptable!)

I know I'd "be better" if I could just exercise. Get thee to a gym. But the thought of going is overwhelming. Everything is overwhelming except that which I do by rote, you know? I can't make decisions. I'm afraid of screwing up. I'm too tired to do anything. I'm hope-less.

It's just not f'ing fair, you know? Why do other people have these normal lives? Why do I always feel so on the outside and different? Most people have no clue 'cause I'm good at faking it. (Though I often berate myself after encounters for talking too damn much!!)

I'm feeling very hopeless about the future again. Just going through the gd motions and waiting to die. Not that I want to die. I want to see my kids be adults with kids. I want grandchildren. But then I start to even feel hopeless about THEIR futures - because I feel freakin hopeless about everything. I'm going to die a lonely bitter old woman just like my ex said I won't (damn him!). I don't really "like" a lot of people. I tolerate them. Then I suspect whether anyone really "likes" me. My "semi-friends" tend to be the oddballs no one else will be friends with, doncha know?

If I'm not at work, and my kid's not here. I'm alone. And I hate it. But I hate putting myself out there more.

I'm guessing if you have anxiety meds you've got a doc you can see about getting to a right dose. But in case you don't,
your profile says you are in Wisconsin, you can point and click on your county on the map at the NAMI Wisconsin site to find professional help near you.

http://www.namiwisconsin.org/help.cfm

but at the same time, i hate people. hate getting along with people i guess is more accurate, but feel like people see me in ways that i do not see myself.
went back to school to study graphic design, looking forward to creative relationships, and so far, i hate this. i thought i would make friends, and instead i am making enemies out of friends. found out the hard way that people who don't know jack about visual issues don't like to talk to you about them, and can't imagine the process.

and yeah, i gave up on finding treatment, but i am giving the ad's one more try. i hated the shrinks. all docs wear a veil, but shrinks where giant foamrubber mascot heads. my rheumie is helping me with meds now.