I'm wondering about medication...

Hey everyone--

I'm seeking some insight on anti-depressants. I'm scared to go on them, because I don't
want to lose "me"--if that makes sense. I don't want to become a zombie. I don't want
to experience life through a haze. ...I guess those are some of my fears about going on anti-depressants.

I've noticed lately that I've been incredibly "blue". I feel unmotivated and all I feel
like doing is sitting in a chair and watching tv. I'm overeating. I don't feel happy.

It's interesting, because I haven't been in therapy for more than a year. Prior to this therapy-free
year--I was in intense therapy for three years--for acute PTSD due to childhood trauma (sexual, physical
and emotional abuse). I decided that I would do therapy without any drugs--because I felt the need
to experience and process my full range of emotions. A central issue of my therapy, was the mountains of
rage, sorrow and pain that I had repressed during childhood. I became the master of denial and repression. I
literally could experience horrendous abuse and have absolutely no emotion attached to it. I needed to learn in
therapy--that I could allow myself to feel--and let go of the pain. I was a complete and total emotional wreck
during the therapy.

I'm doing well now. I've healed a great deal from therapy. I'm high functioning, I'm a fun mom to
my two children and I have a very active social life and a great husband. However, lately I've felt this
bluesy-blah-depressed stuff. I feel stuck in mud.

I'm wondering if drugs could help. I just want a little lift--something to help me see the sunnier side and
perk up a bit. I don't want to be numbed out. In fact, I'm scared of being "anesthetized" because during
the abuse I was often drugged. It wouldn't help me to feel numbed...it would trigger me and drive me nuts.

Does anyone have any experience with Prozac?

If anyone can offer any insight, I'd appreciate it. I plan on contacting my therapist
after 1/1. I thought I would see if anyone here had any opinions or experiences that they
would like to share.

Thanks for any feedback.

but what you describe doesn't sound like severe depression. For a short time a few years ago I needed a little lift and went on Celexa. I'm not sure what the dosage was, prety low I think, and it helped me without putting me in that haze you describe. When I was severly depressed and on meds I did experience this. I would go on the Celexa again as it helped a lot with no side effects though most docs push Lexapro now. I hope you feel better soon.

It doesn't numb you out and turn you into a zombie. It's not that kind of drug.

I remember feeling tremendously relaxed and experiencing a sense of clarity when it kicked in the first time. But you have to understand, I was experiencing SEVERE depression at the time. I hadn't eaten or slept in days.

I would recommend picking up a book, "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy" at your local library. It's about ADD, but includes a section on pharmaceuticals that is one of the best I've read.

The section is written for laymen, and it goes through the list of psychotropics, detailing what each one does, the possible side effects, and exactly how each works. I wish I'd read it years ago.

They can help some people take a peek up above the water to see if there's anything up there worth looking at. Might be, might not be.

Personally, I've instructed my wife and kids to hunt me down with a tranquilizer gun, shoot a dart in my butt, and drag me off to my doctor if I ever go off my meds, or if I start drifting off into some strange reality.

I depend very much on my family and other people I trust to judge where I am mentally. I never lose my "me" it's just that some other facet of me is being expressed. Some of those facets are very strange, some of them are very unhappy. The most awful times in my life have been when I'm unhappy and I can't trust anyone. Unfortunately, in my own experience, there really are "professionals" who will do whatever they can to get you out the door in fifteen minutes, even if it's the wrong thing.

"Here, have a pill," is rarely the correct solution, even for very straightforward, non-mental health medical issues.

(Take this for what it's worth -- the words of a stranger -- and not as any sort of medical advice.)

the essence that I feel is "them" - but, I admit, maybe that disfunctional part of their character is something that I loved. :shrug:

It is a most personal issue to take drugs or not.

I have been on drugs for years in the past and am now off for over 23 years - with a stab at Prozac 10 years ago which for me was disastrous - my panic disorder was somehow re-triggered by Prozac and it took me several years to re-climb out of the hole it put me back into.

So, yeah, I am now extremely wary of any drugs for myself, although in periods of stress and feeling very blue I yearn for SOMETHING to help me feel a bit better.

Fortunately, periods of depression are not long and "final" as they used to be, and I prefer now to ride it out for the duration. My coping techniques have helped me for all of these years to function well enough for me personally, to have raised my kids to be more balanced young adults than I certainly was - and this gives me great joy to see.

These are my personal experiences, and I do totallly understand what you are feeling.

I would maybe wait a bit until the winter period is over and see if Spring brings back more feelings of joy. Or find other ways to express/process any remaining feelings that rear their head in certain periods.......I used journalling daily and talks with good close girlfriends when my children were growing up to help me in this way.

:hug:

DemEx

I really could have done without the disfunctional aspects of my own character... no matter how other people may have "loved" them. But mostly I dragged them through hell.

none of those I love who are now on meds dragged me through a hell.
I respect their choices, and do appreciate their relief - but just saying how I experience them with and without medication.
Besides an evening out of their moods, I do feel a loss of a spark that, to me, is an essence of their being.

edit: I know that my perception/experience is not a universal one, and that some who need and find good meds become more of themselves.

DemEx

I really could have done without the disfunctional aspects of my own character... no matter how other people may have "loved" them. But mostly I dragged them through hell.

it is a long, slow process. it is trial and error. at this point, with all the drugs available today, it is like a kaleidescope or something. not only which drug, but how much. you don't want to try a drug, but not get to an effective dose, and give up. it could be the right drug, just the wrong amount. and sometimes a drug is so wrong for you that you have bad effects on a tiny dose.

my advice to you would be to get a person or 2 that are close to you, and see if they can help you through the process. it is so very hard to know from the "inside" how you are doing. the docs don't see enough of you to evaluate well, imho. my daughter has sworn so many times that meds that are clearly making a difference for her are doing nothing. and since her illness makes it impossible for her to trust me, i cannot tell her otherwise. i used to go to the pdoc with her, and she was always, always pissed off by whatever my assesment was. frustrating.
also, i would run from any doc that has an office full of drug company swag.

I have been on anti-depressant medication (Effexor, and before that, Zoloft) for over a decade, and it has literally been a life-saver for me. Although I'm not currently in therapy, I've had several years of intensive therapy, which also helped me tremendously.

If I could function well enough to support myself and be relatively happy without the meds, I would. But I have tried that before, and it all falls apart when I go off the meds. So I have accepted that the meds will probably be with me for the rest of my life. I think of it like a diabetic and their insulin. With the meds, I can lead a mostly normal life. Without them, I am a mess.

which is hopefully not like a zombie.

:)

:hug:

I didn't know it at the time though. I thought that everyone went through life feeling blah...after all, I'm dysthymic- and had been so since I was about 11.

I had an episode of major depression on top of it. People suggested talk therapy at first... and then they saw that there was something under that. The talk therapy was doing nothing. I wanted to drop out of school (college) and go do something- anything- other than what I was doing. But that wasn't the problem. Everytime I went somewhere, I'd usually get a 2-3 day remission, and then the gray clouds would come back. There was nothing that running away could have solved. Someone suggested an antidepressant. I was ready for any of the others- Paxil, effexor, etc... then the Rx read Prozac. Ahhhh! Stigma!

But I did it. I filled the Rx. And it worked for 5 years. Somewhere in the first 6 weeks, I started to feel alive. I no longer shuffled to class. I really started to enjoy things- not just because I was good at it (like singing)- but because I was loving to practice. Of course, that first couple of weeks is hard- 'cause you see how it can be... and if the day is awful- like before starting the Rx, it felt more painful than before. But I knew that if I had lived for 8 years in hell, I could do it for a few more weeks.

Meds work for some ppl... not for others... Talk to your therapist, think about what you want for yourself. Oh, and take care! :hug:

How you been? What decision did you make? What did the therapist say?