Day One

I went to the program Tuesday.

Oh man first day was a bad start. They came an HOUR earlier than they told me to be ready to go.So I had just got out of the shower,and I ran around like a cat with it's tail on fire getting dressed asap. it pissed me off too..On top of that when I came out the door I saw they had pulled up in a big HUGE white bus like thing,too big to go up my driveway with ADULT DAY CARE stenciled on both the sides in BIG RED see it a mile away LETTERS. It had HUGE WINDOWS so I sorta slumped forward to the windowless corner and yanked the hood of my wool cape down over my face hoping nobody I knew would recognize me in there.When I was a kid people talked about the"short bus" that drove the retarded people to the ARC. It was an endless tool of humiliation. I really would not want to be stigmatized because it is known I get in that big stupid looking truck van bus thing because I am some kind of degenerate.The big sign on the side really made me feel like one.

I thought these idiots need some STIGMA education on how mentally ill people get stigmatized when program ignoramuses don't consider that advertising the PRP on the vehicle picking people up in the community can shame clients really baaaad.

I got an idea.. If I gotta get on that damn van saying THAT every time I go there, I'm gonna get some big ass magnetic sheets, paint it white and demand the driver slap that on the fucking red letter beacon of shame before they turn onto my street when they come to pick me up dammit.I was really embarrassed and pissed off about it but I held my tongue. All I needed was some drooling and do the thorazine shuffle and I'd fit right in with their advertising gimmick...Grrrr..I hoped nobody saw me. Can they be any more humiliating with the van, is it possible? I don't think so..Maybe I should plaster the words Emotionally retarded insensitive asshole on the directors door in big ass red letters.(I can see I am going to get along really well here already) sigh.

When I get there I notice they got cable TV on CNN at least it ain't FAUX,,that's ok I guess. But what dropped my jaw was the TV itself,a goddamn 60 inch and it might be bigger actually,huge ass top of the line brand name fucking FLAT screen plasma TV with surround sound and ambient lights. What do those cost like 5,000 bucks? They had Leather recliners too,WTF!!?Who's paying for this shit was my first thought. Where's the cheap ass This end up institutional furniture? Already paranoid .. Who the fuck is funding this chicken outfit? Who is writing the grants 'cause I wanna learn how to do it too.Sheesh..Because when I was in Hearts and Ears and every other PRP I was in it was nearly impossible to get extra funding for jack shit .Why would this lame program get the cash grant to get something insane like that huge ass plasma TV? At H&E We all had to cram ourselves around the 30 inch on movie night like it was a campfire because the speaker sucked.No DVD for us we had a donated VCR. So I admit I'm a little suspicious of the funding sources.And the fact they wanted to paint me crazier than I am and asked my therapist to lie for them red flags are flying folks..Is it scamming the state like the old Marigolds program out here did? I hope not.

Next I get handed the schedule of activities for the month . My first response was ..to..Yawn.
Second my eyes bugged..Bible study? WTF? I'll pass on THAT thankyouverymuch..
If this place is getting state funds as a psych/health related PRP can they do bible study legally there? I dunno, Guess I'm gonna have to call up Mindfreedom and ask David. I wonder is that bush's faith based bullshit and Sally Satel the fascist shrink at work here I smell? Oh hell I hope they don't go "encouraging me to participate" in THAT shit.I'd be content blasting my IPOD and isolating for the rest of my life than go to a fucking bible study at this lame prp...

If they get pushy I know what to do I know enough history,theology and world mythology and psych well enough to argue them into losing their own religion. If they insist on going there they will get more than they bargained for,I am more intelligent& better informed than all of them combined which again feels very alienating to me. Nobody can keep up with me there I hate being gifted sometimes it's very lonely...

If they insist I figure I'll fucking challenge them to the point of spiritual crisis. I don't care. Besides it triggers the hell out of me.

One girl there one of the more active ones regrettably is a rabid fundie case. On the bus of humiliation she was praising Jesus for finding her a 3x jean jacket she was bragging how she was yelling Hallelujah in the store.I just rolled my eyes to the back of my skull with my cape fully hiding it,and slapped on my IPOD.I put on DANZIG at full blast.What to do? Trapped in a bus with a holy roller..Ugh.wonderful.And she goes 5 days a week...shit.Can't avoid her either.

Another charming aspect of this place.. the food. It SUCKS.And I mean it really SUCKS. Seriously, psych hospital food is way better than this shit was. Most PRP's I have been to the clients cook lunch and this is billed to the state under the pretense of someday getting a "rewarding" career in food services..*smirk*(read Mc Donald's and Taco Bell).All the places where I was where the Clients do the cooking the food was phenomenally better(even when I wasn't involved in the prep) than the food these"professional" yahoos who "cater" this programs lunch .I have never tasted food so awful,tasteless and vomitile. (except when my sweet taste buds were on the fritz).I think these talentless caterers should just put down their over sized spoons get in the stupid looking ADULT DAY CARE van, and go to the nearest PRP and let the loons teach 'em how to cook..

There is 1 staff there who is cool . She has a lot of good tattoo work and a brow pierce. She knows MY tattooist, and she knows House of Ponchos too. I relate to her better than anyone else there because she's into some of the stuff I am into. As we warmed up.. I figured ask about stuff.. So I asked her what kind of education do you need to work here? She said is a high school graduate she was doing construction work before this job.She got a two week orientation class they give people they decide to hire. I thought to myself..The clients here not only got mental issues they got health problems.SERIOUS ones sometimes. Seizures,heart and whatnot. I wondered to myself would these barely educated and untrained staff even know what to do in a client crisis if the RN was gone or busy??

I think they'd all go Duh. Like some of the other PRP's I was in when there was a client crisis and staff was untrained.Well I guess if I go here I better get my CPR cert up to date than.Practice my first aid shit until I am no longer rusty because these yahoos don't seem to know even the basics of first aid protocol after I asked some very specific questions in a way that was more 'conversational' so they wouldn't get tight lipped with me.It kinda bothered me they are so untrained.Do any of these staff even KNOW what complex PSTD IS? I Doubt it.

When they had their current events activity, One of the staff read an article about Barbero's euthanasia. She couldn't pronounce tendinitis and she didn't know what it was either. So I told her. Every time the word came up she tripped over it and so I said the word for her like 6 times.(WTF) In a PREP that deals with clients with physical health issues you'd think they could say the word tendinitis themselves after hearing it the third time.

Sheesh.When it was my turn to bring up a current event, I brought up Black water mercenaries and the shameless manipulation that is leading us to the coming invasion of Iran, and how bush is using the same rhetoric as he used as the pretense to invade Iraq..Crickets...The whole room,clueless. No questions either.. Sigh.

Lastly I had Got a HUGE trigger set off too. I got called into the "nurses" office.The one RN there. I go in, I notice a sink,paper towel holder,a twin bed,(what's the bed for? resting or restraints?) and her desk ,file cabinet and all. I sat in the chair by the desk. On the desk there was a fucking syringe full of who knows what. The stuff in the syringe was a suspicious color similar to anectine,An alcohol prep pad lay there.She was talking a mile a minute putting on latex gloves. I thought I was gonna freak. The lady wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise as she picked the needle up,and started to rip the wipe open I was considering bolting out. Staff has used the don't let'em say a word in edgewise than poke 'em real quick technique before..She finally shut up as she was leaning over ready to grab my arm and stick me,I asked her in a calm voice,
What's that syringe for and what the hell is in it, tell me please, now?

I was so scared and triggered I was going into fight or flight mode inside. Anyway she said it was for a TB test.You dunno how relieved I was to hear that. So I told her to not bother with it, my doctor already gave me one a week ago, just get the results from her.She asked me how I was doing, I said fine but I gotta hit the bathroom..(lie) I left the office..when I got out of sight and into the bathroom. (there are no more than 6 clients there and they got 7( I counted them) bathrooms..(WTF?)I closed the door and I shuddered for five minutes, splashed water on my face sat on the chair in there until I got my composure back and walked back out.

Other than being embarrassed as hell, going through the horror show they call lunch,and the threat of bible study and fundie yammering, and being triggered worse than I've been for a long time..??

When I got home I was so beat from being triggered, annoyed embarrassed and being on high internal alert, I slept 5 hours.
Wednesday I had a horrid depression reaction.It was pretty bad.
It didn't wear off until this afternoon.

I dunno if I will go back there again .Tuesday they asked me if I wanted to go back Friday. I was just too triggered to answer.. So
I told them I will call you, if I want to come ok.
They seemed to respect that request..gave me a card with the number on it. I just cannot bring myself to call.I think I am overwhelmed.
If they show up at the crack of dawn disregarding my wishes I won't go outside, My therapist said she stands by me on whatever I do. She told me to do what I needed to do and don't push it if I don't feel like it..I think I am really unsettled on this whole PRP thing right now.

I'd be majorly unsettled, too.

You know, it was a good day when I could sort of see a little beyond the cluelessness and see that we were doing better on our own than when we subjected ourselves to "experts".

That doesn't mean my mind is closed.

That means, I take care of myself when other people seem to be clueless. I consider it a community service to save them from their mistakes and from the consequences their mistakes will have on my life.

:hug:

:toast: