Holy cow I need to vent

I'm just going to type. It will probably get too long. I'm sorry. I didn't know these DU groups existed until today.

I've been depressed most of my life, so I thought I would drop in here when I saw it.

I stumbled on the thread about narcicist mothers. OMG. That is MY MOTHER. Not only that, but she's also manic depressive and not on meds. If anyone here is manic depressive, please don't take what I have to say personally. I honestly don't know much about it, other than it requires meds.

I'm 51, married, no kids (I knew that there were some bad genes in my family and didn't want to pass them on). My slightly younger brother is an alcoholic.

Needless to say, I'm my mother's scapegoat, being the oldest. My childhood was a nightmare and I attempted suicide twice during my teen years. I lack confidence and mostly keep to myself. I have no friends, mostly because they want to compete and it reminds me of my mother wanting to compete with me. Instead of children or friends, I have dogs. My dogs are my reason for living. They keep me alive. I get unconditional love from them, something I never had with people.

Over the years, I've cut my mother out of my life several times. I would go for several years without contact, then some kind of family function would come up, like a wedding or funeral, and I would have to talk to her. Mostly though, if I can keep her out of my life, I can function.

I get calls often from my brothers' wives wanting to talk about my mother's poor treatment of them. I wish they wouldn't call me, I can't help them.

We've lived in our house for 16 years. Several years ago, we got a new neighbor. She's also manic depressive and not on meds. She's mean and controlling, and threatens everyone in our neighborhood. Other neighbors are forced to call the police on her. It's like living next to my mother. It seems like I can't run, I can't hide. We can't sell our house and move - we just paid it off and the market is terrible.

Does anyone else here have these problems with a parent? How can I continue to cope? I've never found a therapist that understood or helped. Drugs are out for me, drugs react the opposite of their intent - paradoxical, I think it's called.

I find very little joy in life. I feel guilty for the bad feelings I have about my mother. My husband doesn't really understand, but he does understand why I want nothing to do with her. He's seen her in action and can't believe anyone could treat their children so horribly.

Society seems to say that I have to take whatever my mother dishes out, even to the point of destroying me, just because she gave birth to me.

Any advice? Your own story to share? Thanks.

She's not bad - just overstayed her welcome....

But I do have :hug: :hug:

I'm sorry you have such a hard time with your mom. That is truly sad and one of my biggest fears as a parent.

I think if you can give a complete stranger (me) two hugs, you won't have any parenting problems. :hug:

I had a similar situation with my mom for most of my life and I'm trying to remember what helped me.

In my mid twenties, I went to the Stanford library to research my own damn symptoms because no one seemed to understand what was going on with me and, I got lucky. I found a paper by a researcher who was working on panic disorder out of Boston. He referred me to one of his colleagues at Stanford and I was off to the races. Not many people were working in this area, so I really was very lucky.

So, with support from a bit of anxiety meds which I very much needed, I started interviewing new therapists -- maybe like four of them. It's not clear to me how I got the nerve or even the patience to do that, nor did I know then exactly what I was looking for. But from this distance I realize I was looking for someone who could be carefully reflective and who could help me find and shore up boundaries that my mom had always run over. That was the job we had to do.

It took a long time and we went at what seemed like a snail's pace. But the experience was transformative in many ways. No wonder I was anxious and depressed -- I didn't really feel where I ended and other people started! Argh! I couldn't filter anything out without shutting down just about entirely! What awful choices! I want to go back in time and hug me!

lol

I still have boundary issues that need work and still have some trouble with anxiety and depression but it's a different order of magnitude. This depression that kicked in during my divorce is pretty bad but I know it's part of a process and that helps. Plus, of all people, my mom has been very supportive. Our relationship vastly improved once I sorted myself out from her and although it's still the same relationship in many ways, now there's room for two people -- most of the time.

I feel like I've been fighting all my life. I'm tired. I've been treading water all these years trying to keep my head above water and figure out why I'm drowning.

I'm happy to hear you've found a way to cope.

And there are many of us in this camp. :hug:

you know, as both a mother and a daughter, i have to say that i think most moms do the best they can with what they have. a mom with a broken brain has a pretty hard row to hoe. i mended a lot of my fences with my mom by accepting that she had done the best she could.
i found that essay about narcissistic moms to be one of the most mean spirited things i have read. sounds like something that came down from bruno bettelheim or something. the ranting of a wounded soul. i understand this. but what is on the inside and what is on the outside, what comes from within, what comes from without- i think that is the hard nut we all have to crack. whether our brains work perfectly or not.
in the end, your life is in your hands, not your mom's. it looks like she did a little more than give birth to you, since you have reached the age of 51. i appreciate that you carry scars, but only you cam stop those scars from defining you.
there is an old joke about when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. sounds like you are hanging on to the knot. keep trying to find a way to climb back up. lots of different things work for different people. if you can't deal with your mom, don't.
and feel free to vent here.

That's why I get very upset when people discount "emotional" abuse as being as harmful to children as physical abuse. I just happen to be reading a book that talks about schemas right now and how the schema's we develop as children can become lifelong patterns of how we handle and cope with distressing situations.

As far as your mother, bipolar disorder is a very serious illness. It would make it easier sometimes if we could just villify people as innately "bad" and then move on. But you know she's very sick so of course it makes you feel guilty when you feel anger. That's a really rough place to be. But it's your anger and bad feelings towards your mother that will destroy you. Which is a good thing, in a way. Because it means that you alone are empowered to change your life and your mother is completely powerless to do any harm or any good.

When you ask how can you continue to cope, I'm not sure exactly what you mean. But there are coping strategies available through reputable sources, even online. If you can try to identify more precisely what you need help with in your life you can start from there and the more you understand what you need the better able you will be to find someone who can actually help you. Ironically, sometimes it's easier to have a diagnosis BEFORE you seek treatment! But our system for mental health is the pits. It just is. It's basically designed for Axis I disorders treated by drugs and/or short term therapy. I can honestly say the number of people who I've met who have been satisfied by long-term treatment in this industry is 0. Most people I know have been suffering and in pain for years.

But anyway. Something that you might consider is Cognitive behavioral therapy. I only know a little bit about it but I've heard really positive feedback, at least in terms of the short-term. It works to identify your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. A lot of our thoughts and subsequent moods and behaviors) are based on false beliefs about ourselves and the beliefs CAN be challenged and changed.

My mother is very probably bipolar (manic depressive). She also blames everything on me, and my brother can do no harm. My brother is violent. Everyone but her has come to terms with that. His house is full of weapons, from swords to crossbows to you name it. My brother, sister, and I were over at my moms one day. We were all sitting in the living room with my mom's stupid boyfriend, except my mom, who was in the kitchen and could not see what was going on. My brother picks up a pillow and hits me on the head. I say "Ow!". My mother yells from the kitchen "Rissa! Stop that!". Everyone looks at me, because I had done nothing. From that point on, it became almost a joke in the family.

My mother is very unstable as well. She was with my stepfather for 13 years (from when I was 4 to 17, he's my second father). My stepfather has a good job, very reliable, and generally a good man. Well, she decides she doesn't like him anymore, cheats on him with a speed freak alcoholic, and got with him instead (mom's stupid boyfriend). She has all the hallmarks of bipolar, but thinks that the church I was in caused my bipolar, that it has nothing to do with her.

Her and I are on decent terms now. You know what did it? Space. I moved from LA (where she is) and now I'm in Miami, Florida. I call her once a week or so and talk for a couple minutes. She even came down when I had my appendix out, and helped take care of me. I feel that having her in small doses helps a lot.

You can feel free to PM me if you want to vent more. I know what it's like to have an untreated mom. *hugs*

As for your neighbor, just try and ignore her. Don't listen to her, and don't let her pull you down.