Opinions on behavior

Hi,

My brother seems to have inherited my mother's "money gene". He's filed bankruptcy twice and never has enough money, no matter how much overtime he works. My mother has the same problem with money.

He's belonged to a social club for many years, recently joined their board as Treasurer. When I heard about his board position, it raised a red flag in my head. Oh no, not Treasurer!

Sure enough, he embezzeled thousands of dollars and they caught him. Luckily, they didn't press charges, they just asked for the money back since he's been involved with their club for so long. So, he had to sell one of his "toys" to pay them back.

My questions is this - does anyone know if this is a personality defect or if it's truly "inherited", from the environment he was raised in, due to my mother's money behavior? I don't know what to suggest for him - something like Gamblers Anonymous or a psychiatrist. All I know is he's going to lose his wife and kids if this behavior doesn't stop.

So far, his wife has taken over paying bills. I suggested she take away his credit cards, but she's not willing to go that far - yet.

Thanks so much.

That's what I think, anyways. Irresponsibility with money can be passed along from the parents, just like alcoholism or abuse. Perhaps you or your other siblings are responsible to the extreme, this would be a common pattern in families as well. Balance is necessary.

He probably isn't a spirtual person if he's stealing money, but maybe you can encourage him to break the family cycle or else it might be passed on to his children.

You're correct - my *other* brother is hyper responsible with money. I'm middle of the road with money, because I'm aware of the trouble my mother caused us with money issues, so I only spend when I have to. I'm not a miser, but I don't spend frivolously either. I'm the oldest. My brother with the problem is the youngest, our dad died when he was 14, and he and my mother went through over a million dollars in life insurance and property after his death. He wanted something, my mother bought it for him, because she felt terrible that his dad died when he was so young.

I think if I mention passing it on to his kids, it may get him to stop and think about what he's done. He adores his kids, and they're young enough not to have been tainted by his behavior. It must be like alcohol - you have to stay away from it if you have a problem. His wife is going to have to put him on a short leash.

Thanks again.

to maybe get through to your brother. Unfortunately, I am not as responsible with money as I would like to be (yet!), but I know I will be soon because reality is forcing me to change my ways. Perhaps your brother is at that stage, too. Good luck talking with him tomorrow, let us know how it goes... :hug:

I know part of bipolar is spending money recklessly, but that is in conjunction with mania - EXTREMELY hyper, lots of energy, other general recklessness, god-like superiority complex, and so on. What you are describing seems not to be consistent with that.

My mother is the same way. She can barely pay her rent (she pays the rent for June by the end of June, has to wait on July's rent till the end of the month and so on. She is lucky to have a landlord who allows it. Despite that, she has steak and skinless chicken breasts for dinner (pretty much the most expensive food at the store she goes to), smokes heavily, and her husband drinks a lot. AND yet they still have the money to go to Laughlin, Las Vegas, and rent a cabin in the mountains.

Me on the other hand, I try and live within my means... I have crushing student loans, but I make my payments on time. My credit card is mostly used for emergencies (I got my appendix out in April and I'm still getting bills for hundreds of dollars).

My brother makes a lot of money, but he spends a lot, too. I think he has some savings, though, which is a good thing. For a while he was giving my mom money to help ends meet, but then he saw that no matter how much he gave her, she spent it, so he stopped. My sister is good with money... probably better than me, from what I can tell.

So I don't think it's genetic. I think people grow up with this, and they go one of two ways - they vow never to be like their parents who wasted all that money, or they think they can waste money like their parents.

I've posted about my mother here before. She's manic depressive, refuses medication, and narcissistic. She's a lost cause and we've given up on her.

My brother in question doesn't appear to have depression or any other problems. He truly turned out really well considering he spent so many years alone with her. He's a great husband and dad, and has a big heart. But he just can't stop spending....

I'm stopping by their house tomorrow evening and talk to him. I don't know yet if he realizes what serious trouble he could be in had they pressed charges.

Thanks for your reply.

with impulsivity in general?

Obsessive-compulsive behavior, maybe; addictive personality, maybe; having poor examples of responsible financial managment, maybe.

Does **he** recognize that there is a problem here? That has to be the first step before deciding what treatment would be best. Here's hoping that he does so soon, before he really loses it all.

While it's good the organization didn't press charges for the embezzlement, I can't help but wonder if that was the equivalent of enabling. Does he realize how lucky he is that this DIDN'T get more serious? That should be a tremendous wake-up call, but only he can answer it.

Good luck.