I'm back on anti-depressants

What with everything going on (moving, break-in, work) it just got to be too much to the point where the benefits would out-weigh the side effects.

We're trying Effexor-XR on a really low dose (37.5 mg), with Xanax in case of panic attacks.

Had one last night and I feel kind of strange - mouth is a tiny bit drier but nothing outrageous yet. I'm actually get some sort of work done - not up to my usual standards but at least I'm not hiding in a spare office crying.

:hug:

DemEx

;)

I have only been off about 2 months, but I am really struggling and I am also moving in two months and may have to find another new job on top of that. Even without those things I am having a difficult time.

I wish I could get over the idea that it's not ok to get help for depression or that it's a weakness or something. I just think there are some of us that need the extra help.

I am torn between going back on, or giving it another month to see if it's not just the withdrwal. How long were you OFF meds?

We wouldn't expect people to cope with diabetes without help, right?

Depression is a chronic disease. It is not a made-up illness or a sign of moral failing or weakness.

Would we expect somebody with a broken leg to "tough it out" without getting medical help?

Please find a psychiatrist you like and trust and follow their advice. As a person with life-long depression and anxiety, I wish the best for you!

I appreciate it! One of the problems with depression is that it is so hard to be proactive when you are filled w/ confusion and fear. However, I just need to take one step at a time and I think finding a therapist will probably be the first order of business.

and most of the time it is almost impossible to see one's way out of longer-term depression without some help from trusted people.

:hug:

DemEx

It sounds like you have a good plan. Step One - find a good therapist.

No one says I have to kick my thyroid pills. My husband and I eat good diets, watch our weight (well, I admit I have to watch mine better)and exercise. He's on a statin drug for chloresteral and we're both on medication for high blood pressure. These are all influenced by genetic factors and no one pushes us to get off them.

Effexor-XR is what my son is taking. They started him out on 37.5 mg., then gradually increased it to 150 mg. Effexor has definitely been the most effective medication for him.

It's a little bit different than the SSRIs like Paxil or Prozac, and they often give it to people who have very resistant depression.

I hope things begin to get better for you. This time of the year is always miserable, it seems, so hang in there. :thumbsup:

Got some side effects but not all that bad. We'll see if they get any worse.

At the moment it's just what I call the "head in a TV set" feeling. If you've ever stuck your head inside the back of a running TV set with all the static, humming, whining and magnetic fields, you'll know what I mean.

Other than that it isn't going too badly. I seem to be more organized, got a LOT done yesterday at work.

I've also heard of people having side affects initially with the introduction of the drug, but later after a while of use these sometimes disappear. Give it some time, TrogL. If you don't start feeling better within two months tell the doctor that the drug is not working. He/she may increase your dosage or try some other drug. If you stick with it, though, the chances are good that you will start seeing some improvement.

Head hurts.
Stomach hurts.
Hair hurts.
Mood swings.

On the plus side, my sleeping patterns are back to relatively normal except I'm waking up about 5:30 (kitten's probably to blame)

Side effects are getting manageable.

Less headache.
No stomachache.

I'm actually accomplishing something at work today.
Played well yesterday at rehearsal. Fingers did what I wanted them to.
Feeling a little panicky right now. If it gets worse I have Xanax onsite.
Mood is a bit better, which is all I was asking for. I could stay at this level and consider it a success. Anything beyond this is gravy.

I need to resist the temptation to ask for more and try for "feeling spectacular". It didn't work last time and the side effects got so bad I went off anti-depressants entirely instead of backing off to "a bit better" level.

Dizzy, nauseous, can't see the screen, words dancing around, letters went three-dimensional. Tried having a nap but it didn't help much. Really bad headache. Audio cutting in and out like somebody playing with the volume control. Minor hallucinations. Eyes hurt. Ears hurt. Fingers hurt. Teeth hurt.

Forgot my home phone number.

I'd go home from work but I have no idea how to manage driving.

Talked to my partner's shrink and my doctor about the side effects.

She noted that I'm very sensitive to medications but at the same time chew through them fairly quickly. She suggested I get a mood stabilizer so I'm trying Zyprexa. Damn that's expensive even with co-pay.

Still feel a bit wonky day but at least I'm getting something accomplished.

Hope you get evened out and feeling better soon.

DemEx

over the last 8 years to come up with a combination that works for me. Keep trying until you get something that works.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKK!!!!

*bounces off the walls, ceiling, furniture*

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!

...

...

*ahem*

...

I think it kicked in. Or I'm blowing manic. Or both. (on edit, I had a Dexedrine and have blown manic, but that's OK for a change)

Yesterday I did a shitload of stuff. Fixed my eavestroughing on the garage that was leaking over the door and pissing me off. Cooked supper. Did some laundry. Did some other kitchen stuff. Chopped ice and shovelled snow. Bought groceries and put them all away and re-organized some of their locations. Got all horny and seduced partner. Had bath.

I'm still getting some bizarre side effects but now they're mostly amusing. The descriptions I'm giving reminds my partner of LSD flashbacks but where a few days ago they were upsetting me, now they're just a fact of life that I'm gradually getting used to.

Here's my best guess at what's happening. This is based on a number of sources including the literature, my partner's considerable expertise in pharmaseuticals, his psychiatrist, my doctor, my dentist and my own experiences.

I have been diagnosed with several conditions.

• ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder - on the autism spectrum)
  
• Sensory Integration problems (I hear things differently - long story)
  
• Bi-polar rapid cycling (3 days up 3 down)
  
• Obsessive-Compulsive
  
• Asperger's Syndrome (a mild form of autism - symptoms include some of the issues above)
  
• Migraines
  
• sky-high metabolism (my dentist orders extra freezing when he knows I'm coming)
  
• Prosopagnosia (faceblindedness)
  
• Savant (music)
  
• referred pain issues (if my left ear feels itchy-scratchy, it's because my right ear is fully wax; my dentist has to freeze strange places in my mouth to get rid of pain in other areas)
  

In a nutshell my brain is wired wrong. Some stuff doesn't work right (socialization, face recognition), some stuff works wrong (pain management, mood stabilization), some stuff works too well (I can play, note for note, a complicated piece I have heard once).

Under "normal" circumstances, I live in a dull, grey world populated by people I can't identify, can't hear (if there's any sort of background), can't understand (they "speak" in a language of gestures I don't 'get') who apparently think in ways I don't grok. Some days this is manageable, other days it isn't. I am easily overwhelmed and retreat into thought, music and books. If that doesn't work, I lash out in inappropriate ways. I am occasionally annoyed by certain smells (must, flowers, smoke) and colours (dusky mauve). My daily life is ruled by compulsions (eg. posting here) and obsessions (eg. the religious right (see link below).

Today is not normal, obviously.

Here's how Effexor works.

The brain contains a number of chemicals used to regulate thinking. Effexor is a serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. Serotonin is the chemical associated with mood, emotion, sleep and appetite. Depression results from a lack of this chemical. It also has an effect with weight gain. I was on a different anti-depressant (can't remember the name right now) and it caused me to balloon from 144 lb to 182 before I went off it. The stomach contains seratonin receptors - it controls the "full" feeling. In my case it disabled it. I would eat until the food ran out. Ever wondered why to you get sleepy after eating turkey? It contains tryptophan which breaks down in the body to produce seratonin. At one point my doctor prescriped me tryptophan at night - I may ask him to renew it next time I see him.

Prozac was the first SSRI (seritonin reuptake inhibitor). I was on it but it had a bizarre side effect. I would orgasm at random during the day, especially at inappropriate moments. You're not supposed to roll your eyes back and moan during a staff meeting. Thus began a long search for something better.

norepinephrin (aka noradrenaline) another link is involved in readying the body for the fight-or-flight response. Effexor prevents its re-uptake.

This next bit is a bit of wild conjecture. Take it with a mountain of salt.

The original reason I went to the doctor was a sensation I was calling a "panic attack" or "seizure". I've decided to coin the term "panic seizure" to describe it. It has some of the effects of a seizure (I used to get them on Wellbutrin so I know what they feel like) but generated by stress. I'd also get a wierd taste in my mouth (which I called "chewing erasers"). One doctor eventually figured out that this was an adrenaline rush. I suspect that my body was low on day-to-day adrenaline and if something came up, like a stressful situation or even just having to get out of a chair, it would have to kick in some adrenaline to deal with it. The problem was, it was starting from scratch so it would have to generate a whole shitload of it, hence the "rush" and other side effects. With its reuptake inhibited, there's some on hand so I don't have to all panicky just to get out of a chair or deal with my mother (no, I don't want to go there). I noticed a link between adrenaline and orthostatic shock - wonder if that's got something to do with it). (end wild conjecture)

On the seratonin side of things, day to day stuff was chewing up all the seratonin just to exist at all, with none left over for "happy" or "excited" or any of the other kewl stuff. With its reuptake inhibited this can now take place.

In the course of discussion with the psychiatrist, he pointed out "I have no idea how you get through your day - I could never cope". Here's the kind of thing he's talking about. I have issues with some smells. Let's use perfume as an example. I can't go in some sections of the shopping mall because the department stores love to put their perfume counters near the main entrace and the smell leaks out into the hall. I simply cannot cope with some perfumes. I go into full-blown panic mode - rapid breathing, want to run away etc. My partner has to very carefully choose the cologne he buys so it doesn't have any floral component or musk - otherwise I can't live in my own house. He generally takes it with him and puts it on at work. If a cow-orker (eg. one of the night janitors) has drenched herself in it, I can't work in my office properly. I also do badly with fluorescent lights.

I also have huge issues with socialization - starting with identification. This happened just this morning. As I was walking up to the office, somebody how obviously knows me well, said "hi TrogL" as if she saw me every day. I have absolutely no clue who it was. I suspect she works in my building. I suspect she works on my floor. If she were sitting at her desk without her coat and hat, in a place where I would normally find her, I'd probably know who it was.

That's stressful. I feel badly about it.

Last year I scared myself. I was walking down the hall and there was a stranger in the apartment. I just about panicked and called the police except that I noticed that he turned around the same time I did. It was my reflection in the mirror. I didn't recognize myself. That's spooky. I can't tell two daughters apart unless they speak. I can't pick my partner out of a crowd of similar looking people. One day I was driving down the road and the oncoming vehicles were driven by US Presidents. Reagan and Carter I could sort of cope with but Kennedy and Lincoln were a bit of a shock. I don't need this while driving. All this extra shit I have to deal with drains seratonin. Just adding it back in (eg. with tryptophan) doesn't help because it's unregulated. It's better to let the body handle this itself (if badly).

My doctor had prescribed dexedrine for my ADD, but it was causing problems because it made everything too bright, too loud, too smelly and textures were all messed up and causing panic attacks and "panic seizures". Coffee wasn't helping matters any. The combination of the two was lethal.

The problem with too bright, too loud etc. is twofold. One is migraines. The other is Asperger's. I can't normally deal with the onslaught of images, stinks, sharps and other stuff.

The Effexor is allowing me to have the right chemicals at hand to deal with it.

(more later)

:D....and writing this up today too....

:wow:

I can't imagine having so much energy and focus!

Glad to hear Effexor seems to be sorting something out for your brain - you certainly deserve some relief form your package of symptoms, dear.

:hug:

Keep us posted, OK?

DemEx

Not as crazy as yesterday but I'm getting work done.

I'm noticing that I'm having my usual troubles switching tasks, but I'm not getting overwhelmed by tasks and hitting my compulsions.

Looks like my regime is working out like this.

Night time.

37.5 Effexor SR(?)
10(?) Mg Zyprexa
10mg(??) Tryptophan

Morning

5(?) Mg. Dexedrine
caffeine (coffee, 1 cup)
0.25 Mg. Xanax if needed for panic/adrenaline attacks
three 3-6-9 Omega fatty acid
1000 mg Vitatmin C (chewable)

Afternoon

another dexedrine, caffeine and/or Xanax as needed

Evening

A nip of sherry, perhaps a beer or two

I'm pretty much stable now. No really odd side effects in the last couple of days. I've gone off the anti-psychotic because it wasn't accomplishing anything. It certainly wasn't acting as a mood stabilizer. Valporic acid may be a better fit.

My three up-three down rapid cycling pushes me just to the edge of manic/hypomanic on the up days and nowheres near anything I'd call "depression" on the down days.

Work is going well. Way less screaming and yelling at home.

Sleep cycles are back to normal.

All in all, I'm impressed.

The doctors say it takes six weeks for things to settle in so I've got one to go.

You must be very relieved, and life much more pleasant for you.

:hug:

DemEx

Ank's cousin has gone into a coma and he's beside himself.

I'm down. Just can't seem to get things accomplished.

I used to like the video game Counterstrike but these days I'm just not improving any. Everybody just seems faster than me and i've got fast reaction times.

I'm just sad.

I have no idea why i'm up this time of night. I woke up awhile ago and was hungry even though I had pizza and hotdogs earlier.

There's a cat in my lap.

My daughter taught me now to turn up the gamma so I can see what I'm doing in counterstrike and I went to a server with less hackers and was able to accomplish something.

I think the cat knows I'm not feeling well.

:wtf: is going on?

Now I'm horribly depressed, there's an awful taste in the back of my mouth.

wait.

I forgot my pills.

brb

Good, productive day at the office.

Now if I can just get rid of the farts.

Horrible day today. Most of it's sitautional but I'm not reacting well.

Yesterday the kids were supposed to do a bunch of errands and didn't and I ended up doing them and staying up too late as as result.

This morning I couldn't get anybody out of bed. I think the hot water heater's busted. There's a crisis at work (not my fault).

I've been snarling at people, sending out snotgrams, nasty IRC messages, stormed out of a chat channel.

Had a panic attack, then almost a crying jag.

I've had some dexedrine to get organized and a xanax to calm down. The panic attack was before the dexedrine.

One of my keyboards is busted and I've got a gig next week and I can't afford the keyboard I really should buy (replacing all my current equipment).

...

OK. Something's starting to kick in. Not sure if it's the dexedrine coming onside, the xanax starting to work ( it's a bit early) or an anti-depressant surge.

I HATE these stupid cycles but nothing seems to get rid of them properly.

I've got to see the doctor next week for prescription renewals. Maybe I'll get some valporic acid. It seemed to be the best of a bad lot but I'm not sure what it'll do for the downs. It's designed more to prevent you blowing manic, IIUC.

Doing absolutely wild, effective work.

No repercussion from snotgrams except bigwig expressed thanks for concern.

Had a quicky nap (xanax kicking in or dexedrine making me yawn (yes, I have bizarre reactions to stimulants)) and the phone woke me up.

• Dry mouth
  
• Cold sores (side effect of dry mouth)
  
• bad breath (side effect of dry mouth)
  
• Acne from hell. Mostly caused by compulsive picking.
  
• Sweating beyond capability of Mitchem to handle
  
• Typing faster than normal (and with worse accuracy). Note my typing is already ridiculously fast.
  
• Water phobia. Haven't had a bath all week, except today's bath which was a disaster. Ongoing problem, but much worse.
  
• Libido - blech. OK, I lied. I was horny a few days ago but it went away.
  
• Orgasms don't work. Stuff comes out eventually, but why bother. It mostly hurts more than anything else. (Note: my orgasms have always been temperamental. I have to time them exactly at 7 seconds. I have to throw in a delay at the end or they don't work. Probably an autism side-effect. Probably I just need to experiment and find the new release time.)
  
• Hangover-like feeling. I did actually have a hangover on Tuesday after partying hardy on Monday but it hasn't really gone away.
  
• More than usual problems with smells, textures, sounds etc. Autism side-effect but magnified.
  
• Farts from hell. No diarrhea.
  

Cost benefit-analysis - keep going on. No increase in dosage.

Cost benefit-analysis - keep going on. No increase in dosage.

:hug:

I am sure that it is very difficult to create any balance with your condition(s) and the medications.

Keep on truckin' to find the best one possible!

DemEx

Took it in the morning and blew manic for most of the day. Of course being on a manic swing anyway didn't help. Neither did the dexedrine.

to be a real funny drug.

I'm on it, and have basically no side effects other than the rare night sweats. That being said, I had to switch to taking both an AM and PM dose, as otherwise I would get major side effects.

After splitting my 150mg/day into two 75mg, all the side effects basically went away. I'm sure you know this by now, but don't miss a dose -- it will make you feel like crap.

One additional idea, have your doctor perscribe some low dosage Effexor (not XR) for emergency situations. You absorb this much faster than the XR, and it can aleviate a missed dosage problem quickly.

I think I forgot I had taken it and took yesterday's dose twice the night before. Felt like hell all day. Today everything's fine.

It's the only way I can keep track. I have one for morning, one for evening and for a while one for noon time. That way you never have to wonder if you took your pills or not.

Hang in there. Remember, you're not on a tranquilizer. It's normal to be stressed when things are stressful and sad when things go wrong. Our problem is that we're stressed or sad regardless of what's happening.

I may do that. Save me having to worry about it.

No real side effects today except a bit of light sensitivity. We were in a board room with sunlight streaming in, fluorescent lights and spotlights as well which didn't help much. Even after the chairman noticed that I was having problems, he kept all the lights on.

but I've added half an hour each morning reading under a full spectrum lamp (minus UV) to my regime. It seems to have made my sleep better and eliminated the day time drowsiness. The odd thing is that I'm very light sensitive but I enjoy this light. I thought SAD was a new concept, but it turns out that depressives tend to cycle down in both the Fall and the Spring. It's not the low light of winter that gets us, but the quickly changing light in those seasons.