I need a place to vent - anyone care to listen?

I'm a newbie legal aid attorney (started in mid-October), and I am completely freaking out about my job. I took today off because I was so paralyzed with fear that I was practically vomiting. I feel overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do and by the steady stream of applicants for our services coming through the door three days a week. I resent it when friends and family tell me "I knew it would be like this going in!", as though it's my own fault I'm so stressed and I have no one to blame but myself. I really don't know if I can handle this job. I feel stupid for complaining when this is where I wanted to work and so many people are out of work. I find myself working 7 days a week for very little money (although I'm not about money). My husband commented that I might as well be working at a firm for more money if I'm going to work every day. In this job you literally learn on the fly - you have to go to hearings with sometimes no information about the case. I think I might have OCD - I constantly have to check my pleadings, the statutes and even to make sure I have a file in my briefcase before leaving for the courthouse. I know I'm depressed and probably should go back on something. My husband is a psychiatrist and wants to start me on nortriptyline or maybe an SSRI.

I HATE feeling this way. I worked very hard to become a lawyer, but sometimes you have to admit it's not for you. How will I know it's really for me?

the first thing I need to do is get stable, not make life changing decisions.

Whatever you decide, I want to :hug: you and I'll be watching the thread to see how things are going.

Try not to beat yourself up. Some days will be good, some won't. Some of it is beyond your control and sometimes the only thing you can TRY to control is your reaction to your circumstances. (That's what I'm trying to work on now, so I am admittedly all talk right now! :rofl: But I know what I am typing is true -- I just have to get "there" somehow.)

Try to change the "tape" in your head so instead of a loop of negative thoughts and doubts, just tell yourself, as often as you need to, that you are doing what you can and you have much to be thankful for and obviously you have a loving husband who is going to be there no matter what.

your clients are extremely grateful for your work, without your help they would most likely be in worse shape than you are right now.

Getting through your first few months or even the first year will be tough, but if you managed to make it through law school I am sure once you learn the ropes and gain experience you will gain confindence in your abilities.

Try talking to other lawyers there and I'm sure they will say they felt the same way you do when they first started. Ask them how they handle not getting info about the case til they get to the courthouse.


Good luck and thanks from someone who has used legal aid in the past and who wishes legal aid could help me with my nondisclosed meth lab house problem.

Can you talk with your supervisor?

It sounds like you've been just thrown into this work without lots of support.

If possible, you should ask for a mentor, ask to co-counsel cases, ask to watch others in court.

Do not give up without talking with your supervisor. This is really a good job--but it is impossible to do alone. But it can eat you up. I went through severe depression about 15 years ago, and realized that while I worked so hard for my clients--7 days a week--that I had lost myself. I couldn't remember the last time I had done something for me. I found my self crying at work and not able to stop. I took a leave and when I came back the attorney who had substituted for me said, "You have a hard job." And it was the first time I realized that it was the job that was hard. I wasn't incompetent or incapable, I had a hard job--that was hard for others too. Once I realized it wasn't me, things got better.

We do this work because of who we are, if we lose who we are we can't do this work.

And get help if you need it.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about the pressures of Legal Aid, or how to approach your supervisor.

I feel like I've rambled, I hope I haven't offended.

wellstone dem puts it very well.

I'm an attorney and tho never in your exact spot, I can understand. You are OK, in a very difficult position, and it can be addressed, one way or another.

Remember, you got through law school and bar exam; that's a lot!

Keep in touch~!

Ellen

and want to add my thoughts and prayers.
How is it going?

that the legal profession was not for me. Feel free to PM me if you want.

after all, there are too many of us lawyers!!! ;-)


Seriously, there are lots of things you can do with a law degree besides practice, I hope you found something you like to do, whether you use your degree or not.

My husband started me on amitriptyline a couple of weeks ago, but it hasn't really kicked in yet except to make me sleep better than I ever have. It's at a very low dose - 25 mg. He told me to boost it to 50 mg, but I haven't done it yet.

I exchanged a series of emails with my managing attorney about how I'm feeling. She asked what I wanted to do when I went to law school and said "maybe litigation isn't your deal." She said she was surprised because I appear to be doing very well. I am just feeling so much dread about going to the office every day. I dread seeing clients. I dread returning phone calls. I dread preparing for hearings. I dread being in the courtroom. When I'm driving to work or to court I feel as though I'm going to vomit. My heart just isn't in it. Shouldn't you look forward to going to work?

My husband said the other day that I don't have to work if I don't want to, but when I broach the subject of quitting he looks at me strangely. We aren't going to stay in Texas - he has to put in a few more months and then will try to get a job elsewhere, preferably in California, but I'd move back to Pittsburgh if I absolutely had to. We're going to be doing some traveling in April, May and June.

I really just want to quit and focus on trying to calm myself down. On top of everything else, I seem to have strained my lower back, which is KILLING me. I can hardly stand or sit - it feels best to just lie down. I'm still feeling as though I'm going to come apart at the seams.

Thanks for listening. I really can't stand much more of feeling this way.

I'm very sorry to hear this; doesn't seem to me that you've gotten good advice either from boss/managing attorney or doc, who is your husband, right? Sorry about this.

As someone here said, you have an extremely difficult job, and it may be that litigation would be fine for you if you weren't under the kind of pressure you've got, where you are. Where and when were you admitted to Bar? And there are MANY other legal jobs other than litigation; I just retired, after 30+ years, and was only in litigation on staff of other attorneys, so NEVER faced pressure you're facing.

Lots to talk about here; I'd like to suggest that you not jump now. Is your actual 'boss,' head of office, available and decent? There are other legal services programs around that may be more suitable, for example, appellate. Check those out? 'Local' court programs?

Keep us informed, please.

PS, strained back is likely related to work-related stress. (How do you like that? I give both Legal AND Medical advice!)