Most of the time, I'm OK.

Most of the time, the medication does its job, and I can live a relatively normal life.

Most of the time.

But sometimes, in those in-between periods, when I'm re-adjusting my dosage or dealing with PMS or other stressors in my life...sometimes it gets pretty rough.

Right now is one of those rough times. This past week was especially difficult - my college president resigned, and Valentine's Day was the anniversary of a friend's death in Iraq. I've been neglecting my Arabic homework and not practicing guitar as much as I should (or at all, really, which is NOT good), and I'm just having extreme difficulty bringing myself to care about things like studying. I feel like I have zero energy, and today I just got so overwhelmed that I curled up in bed under the covers and slept, hoping that would ward off the cold, sticky, all-encompassing darkness that threatened to envelop me. I felt a little better when I woke up, but it's still tough.

I hate falling behind in my schoolwork, and I know I need to talk to my Arabic professor, at least, about my lack of progress and negligence in doing homework, but I hate doing that, too. I had to do that freshman year - write a letter to my professors explaining that I was suffering from mental health issues and having trouble concentrating on my work because of that. I hate asking for help, even though I know that sometimes it's necessary, and that I never would've gotten this far without it, but some part of me still buys into the societal bullshit that says depression is a weakness and that if you can't handle the academic rigors, maybe you don't belong at this college.

Most of the time, I can ignore that hateful little part of my mind that spews that garbage, but right now, my defenses are pretty much shot. I am tired, so tired, and lonely and worried about the future. Part of me just wants to go home, but I also realize that a) that's not practical right now and b) my dad would probably not be happy about that. I'm a senior in college and he's been hinting broadly about me moving out of the house ASAP since last year...he says he just wants me to have my own life and be happy, but it still kind of hurts because it almost makes me feel like I'm not welcome there any more.

My mom says I'll always be welcome at home, and I talk to her on the phone sometimes when I'm feeling down (or even when I'm feeling fine). She's a wonderful person, and we have a great relationship - she's like both a mom and a best friend to me, although of course I have other really great friends here and back home too. She says I can always talk to her about anything, and I know that I really can, but she's been through so much this past year that I feel guilty about dumping my problems on her. I'm 22 years old, already, and I should be able to handle this on my own. x(

Anyway...I'm sorry for the rant, but I just needed to vent, get some things off my chest. I'll be fine, eventually - things will work out and I'll pull through, because I always do, but right now it's not easy. Thanks for listening. :hug:

This is a fine group, as you may know.

I have a daughter your age, and i've suffered from depression, so I guess I have some idea what you're going through. Have you been outdoors recently? Done any walking around? Taking Vitamin D? Have a doc you can talk to?

Just learned that my (younger) daughter is seeing a counselor she really likes, and that makes me so happy. She's pulling an all-niter to study for a psych test, loves the course and the prof.

Sounds like you have real interests too, so please stay with it, and stay with us.

keep those wheels goin my friend.

and not knowing what was causing my lack of energy and git up and do.

Being recently diagnosed bipolar has answered lots of the questions I have had about why I didn't turn out to be a very successful person.

If I had known then what the problem was I would have surely gone in to my professors to see what I could have worked out..My life might have taken a very different path....

good luck

are able now to explore new options.

I often think that we now are fortunate because of what's been/is being learned, science-wise, and how many were not able to benefit. One of my daughters has learning differences. She understands, so do her teachers, and she's studying special education in college now! My other daughter seems to have emotional issues I hope we can address some time.

Good luck to you!

i knew it was ok, but i always thought that i should be able to take care of my stuff myself and shouldn't need the help. once i started being ok with needing help, things got a lot easier for me.

it sounds like you've got a pretty solid support network and that's a wonderful thing. and, just from my point of view, the people who love you don't feel like you're dumping their problems on them. we all need to talk, vent, cry or just bounce things off other people.

please take care of yourself, sweetie :hug: