I don't know what to do

My daughter is 20 years old now and is making our life hell. She ran away from home when she was 17 and came back occasionally for a few months, but never to stay. She recently left the abusive jerk she was living with (YAY!) and came back home 3 months ago. The first couple weeks were OK, but then she started running around, drinking, using street drugs (probably Ecstasy) and coming home at all hours of the morning/night.

When she uses these substances, it exacerbates her already terrible attitude. She rages at the world, becomes violent, suicidal and cries for hours. Leaving her alone doesn't help. Trying to talk to her doesn't help. Nothing does. It's the same thing every other day or so. The neighbors probably think we are crazy and I'm surprised no one has called the police yet. She had a screaming fight with my 18 year old daughter (who lives with her boyfriend) the week before last, which cumulated in my 18 year old trying to stop her from driving drunk and the 20 year old throwing vodka in the 18 year old's face.

This last weekend, we finally had to tell her that, for our (my husband, me and my 16 year old daughter) own health and sanity she must get help or leave. That's so hard for me, but we just can't take it anymore. It's horrible to have your 20 year old screaming on your front lawn at 3 AM and driving around drunk/high. After several unsuccessful attempts to find somewhere else to go, she agreed to seek treatment for whatever mental health issues and substance abuse. However, she is adamant that SHE doesn't have a problem and she sees this attempt to help her as "controlling her life". She really doesn't seem to see (care?) about the damage she is doing to the rest of us. We are all hurt, angry and hopeless. Without her wanting to get help, I don't know if forcing her to get help will even help.

I took her to the mental health center today and she was filling out the intake form. There were lots of questions "Do you have trouble focusing?", etc. She started (correctly) putting "yes" and explaining the answers for a whole slew of questions ("Do you have thoughts of harming yourself?", Answer: "Only when I drink too much") But when I was looking at the sheet and saw that she was answering the questions truthfully, I asked her if she still thought she didn't have a problem and she said "Everyone feels like this sometimes", which leads me to believe that she really doesn't understand how different her behavior is.

I'm at my wit's end and I'm kind of scared and hopeless. I so want my daughter to be healthy and happy and able to function in society, but I just don't know if that is ever going to happen. And I kind of feel like it's my fault, because I married her biological father and he was abusive and angry and addictive, just as she is. She was diagnosed with ADHD when she was 7, but I started thinking that was a crock of shit because they try to medicate everyone these days. So, I took her off of Ritalin when she was 9. Ritalin did help with her concentration and hyperactivity, but it made her an aggressive zombie. Nothing has ever helped the aggression.

She's always been {something}... hypersensitive maybe. She gave me a black eye when she was 15 months old by throwing a toy piano at me. She's been prone to horrible tantrums and rages since she was 1. I always thought that it was because her male role model (my ex-husband) was abusive and raging, but it never got better after I left him. But...I learned to bury my head in the sand really well. I left him when she was 5, but I guess that was too late.

I lost faith with the mental health community when my ex-husband said that it was all his bi-polar disorder that made him beat me. But he just used it as an excuse and never got any better. Hell, seeing her now, I wonder if maybe he really did have bi-polar disorder. I just don't want them to drug her and treat her as a throwaway piece of society (seems to be the approach to mental health these days... Thanks, Reagan!). I want her to get well. I don't want them to just throw some pill at it. I want the girl who loved kittens back. Hell, maybe she never existed and I'm just the biggest enabler there is.

I don't know how to choose a therapist. I don't know how to find someone who will help her and I don't know how to get her the treatment she needs. She's not a minor, so they aren't going to listen to me. I don't know if making her get treatment in order to stay here was the right thing to do either. It just reinforces her belief that we treat her differently than her sisters (we don't make the 16 year old get mental health/substance abuse treatment just to stay here. Of course...she's not acting like this either. She seems pretty sane). She sees this as my love being conditional, no matter how much I tell her that my love is not conditional, but living here is.

I'm just rambling now. I'm so upset and it's all just such a mess. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing and I feel so hopeless.

Please know that we'll all be thinking of you, first of all.

You're doing the 'right' thing 'making' her get treatment.

AND I think its positive that she was answering truthfully; don't question her answers, but encourage them. GOOD that she could even respond to your question to say 'everyone feels . . .'

For one, I'm optimistic for you and her.

Thank you for your kind words. It's just been a long hell with her for the last few years. I'm almost afraid to hope that she will ever get better.

but the one thing that jumps out at me is your attitude towards medication. would you feel that way if she was a diabetic? or if an ekg showed that she was epileptic? flakey neurochemistry has behavioral and emotional symptoms, but that doesn't mean that it is not a medical issue. she has a brain rash. or maybe some bad wiring. medications can help.
yes, counseling is important. learning to get along in the world with fried wiring is hard. addressing the emotional symptoms with talk therapy and healthier relationships has been proven to help straighten out the chemistry. but there are medications out there that can help her within a few weeks (maybe, if they guess right the first time), where talk will take months.
resistance to taking "pills" leads to a tremendous amount of pain and suffering in the world. she needs help. all the help she can get. please do not add to the stigma that she will have to overcome. if you can get her into an inpatient program for a while, i would consider that too. hard as it is to walk away from the locked door, leaving your kid behind, there is also the relief that she is safe, and so are you.

:hug: to all of your family. it is a hard and hellish road you are on. there is no way around that.
please keep us up to date.

If she needs it, she needs it. I don't trust the medical profession to really evaluate whether she needs it. It's a long story, how I got here, but had to do with years of undiagnosed hypothyroidism in myself and doctors trying to give me every single drug they could find to treat the symptoms, but refusing to give me an actual hormone. Once I was diagnosed with Diabetes, they tried to shove blood pressure and cholesterol drugs at me, when I really didn't need them. They were "just in case". But, I do take medication for my actual blood sugar and finally found a doctor that is helpful and not just trying to throw something at the issue. He educates and talks to me, rather than telling me to "take this and all will be well".

It's not that I'm against medication in this case, but I'm against them just throwing something at her and not helping her. I want my daughter back. I don't want a zombie that they've left behind, who eventually ends up killing herself. If they can find something that would give her back to me, I'd encourage her to take it in a heartbeat!!!

I just have a long history of doctors not helping and I don't want that to happen to her.

been round and round. and don't get me wrong, the process of finding the right med at the right dose is a long trial and error. there will be good times and bad. but right now some time as a zombie might be just what she needs.
encouragement probably won't be enough. getting people to comply with drug regimens is very, very hard.
i completely understand where you are coming from. i know. i have been there. but you really have to try to suspend that, and try. maybe nothing will help her. but something might. the right meds can make a huge difference. what do you have to lose?

And you make good points! It was a long process to get where I am now with the Diabetes and Hypothyroidism, so expecting instantaneously change for her is pretty unrealistic.

you are in my thoughts and prayers