Bad days..

I have been having some bad days lately.I don't think it's just about losing Rustle.

Wednesday(this past week) at the PRP I go two days a week, I had a bad trigger .I still don't know what it was that started all this.But I freaked out bad,I apparently was switching very fast and was really was out of it. I was told I was thrashing around like a panic attack, with this shuddering motion seizure like stuff but it was some sort of abreaction thing that happened to me .

The counselor I was there with went and got the psychologist at the program to help me out.I almost wound up in the hospital again it was so bad.But I still don't know what caused it. When I got home I was so exhausted I went to sleep and slept the whole afternoon into the next day. I am kinda scared now.
And during that episode at the PRP I find out I fucking hurt my back during it.

The nerve pain has come back with a vengeance and oh fuck it hurts.I wish I knew what happened Wednesday more clearly and I wish I hadn't twisted my back somehow.It has been hurting since Thursday.I don't know what's wrong with me these days.I am dissociating alot,losing time,can't think ,it's hard to even type this I am so out of it right now,I feel so wary,confused,freezing up and getting that weird feeling like I am not present.I have been hallucinating things out of the corner of my eyes I turn to look and it's nothing.

I hear the others talking in my head stronger now.I don't want to lose it.I have been resisting cutting as best as I can. I dunno what to do about it. I am doing all the techniques I know to contain and ground my-selfs but it doesn't seem to help all that much.The lyrica and painkillers are not helping my mental state either..but if I don't take it the pain really fucking hurts alot,and I will be forced to stay in bed .I have been keeping my back where the pain is on heat pads for two days now .It isn't stopping the pain.The pain killers and lyrica leftovers just make it bearable enough to function.

But I am scared I might flip out again and I don't want to hurt my back more.I feel as though my mind is snapping..Normal sounds like the washing machine clicking just about make me panic and I have to tell myself it's just the washing machine, I felt like someone was banging on the door IO know no one is coming here..I just a bout freaked. All day it has been this feeling unsafe shit.

WTF do I do ? I hate weekends. It's kinda like being stranded here,because I have no one who I feel safe talking to, to call.
This sucks. I wish it was Monday.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad. Please do something for yourself today. Get a book, go read it in a bubble bath, go to the animal shelter for some pet therapy (theirs and yours!), pig out on a banana split- whatever. You deserve it. We're here for you.