Depressed, isolated, and freezing (long rant)

As I write this, it is so cold outside (dad says 25 below, I think it's even colder) that I can hear what I think is the sap in the trees freezing and cracking when I'm outside. Maybe that's just my imagination, but damn it's cold out there. I'm from Northern Maine - a place called Madawaska lake, not far from the Canadian border.

It's a small place, with very few full time residents, mainly the retired and the well off middle class. It's a place where 65 year old men climb up to their roof tops to shovel snow and take up a sledge hammer to pound through the ice.

It's quiet, and cold, and very dark. For about three years now I've been barely able to leave my home at all, where I live with my parents, two dogs and two cats. My two siblings have both moved away - one, 18, is six years younger than me.

So as Christmas approaches I find what is already an unbearable depression becoming even worse. As people will gather together to exchange gifts, talk about their lives and their loved ones, I will have nothing to say. When they ask me, "What are you up to these days Dave?" I will have to smile and say "Not a great deal". From which they will assume that I am lazy, a freeloader, whatever... too many relatives who can't tell their ass from a hole in the ground.

I've been out looking for work, hah, for years now. More recently I applied at a local fast food place and was told there were one hundred applicants. Not surprisingly, given my lack of work history (I was, for years, a stay at home dad) I was not contacted or interviewed for the position.

My best friend of fifteen years now has turned his back on me because I disagree with the Iraq war - a war he's fighting. When he told me they all had to be killed (I.E. all insurgents, all terrorists, and a great deal of the average citizens) I vehemently disagreed. That was months ago, and we have not spoken since - nor will he return my calls.

In fact, he was my only friend outside of my family. Now, week after week, month after month, year after year, it's the same thing over and over again. Come up with a million ideas on how to better my life and discard them all because they fail. I've been to the career center a dozen times and I'm sure they're sick of me by now. I've been to nearly every place of business within a 45 mile radius to apply for any job at all. (in the summers I have taken jobs that I'm not proud to admit to, odd jobs that paid me 5 bucks an hour for back-breaking work and usually had no more need for me once the immediate job was done, the longest of which lasted two weeks)

School is more affordable up here than in most areas - but I could not get by on the student loans/financial aid alone. My parents are already paying tuition for my two sisters, and are nearly broke as soon as their paychecks come in. There's no way they can add another burden.

I've been to therapists, psychiatrists, career counselors, Priests, and I've tried a few crazy things and considered things even crazier. I've been on 150 MG of zoloft for about 3 years, the drug overall for ten years. About half a miligram of xanax every day is the only thing that keeps me sane and helps hold off the severe panic attacks that are otherwise all too common for me.

It seems all I want to do now is sleep. Every day my frustration increases, every day I feel more apathetic, every day I hate my life - and myself, just a little bit more. I find myself barely able to get out of bed at the odd hours I wake up, and the odd hours I sleep - which is whenever I can.

I am desperate for passion, purpose, a real life... but there seem no opportunities available. No money, no job, no social life.. and my one friend has turned away from me because I stood up for what I believe in. It's not so much that I feel sorry for myself as that I can't stand living this way and see no other options.

I'm fortunate compared to many, I have a place to live, I don't have to worry about my next meal, I have a computer with a connection to the internet...

But even so, I think my depression is finally driving me completely under once again. It's so damn hard to fight every day just to do mediocre things. The largest problem of all is the fact that I'm constantly alone, no where to go, and no way to get there even if I could.

Ok, I think I've ranted enough... thanks for reading, if anyone read this far.

that I find myself in much the same state of mind. The reasons are not the same but the loneliness and depression are.

I am probably old enough to be your grandmother and have recently lost my husband. Shortly thereafter, I was laid off from work. Four weeks later, called back and then laid off again last week. My mind is doing funny things to me. I know I have to get through this but it is hard. I am now enrolled in grief counseling and I hope that helps me cope.

Everything worries me and I'm told that is normal. I am most worried about my children and grandchildren. Young people like you should not have to suffer for what others, in their greed and selfishness, have done to them.

Thankfully you have family. Use their strong shoulders to lean on. Hopefully we will all see good things come January 20th. It can only get better.

not much anyone here can do but give you :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

i wonder, tho, where your kids are. do you see them, or is that another sorry mess? i ask mostly because the employment price of staying home with kids is something that i know too well. when guys do it, i presume it is all the harder. here in chicago there are a couple of groups that help women jump that gap and get back in the work force. if there is one where you live, maybe they would help you. this issue is going to come up more and more, and i hope that such groups would step up. going back to school can help with that. i know what you said, but it really could help you on a lot of fronts. maybe your sisters could step up with some more of their own expenses. or maybe there are grants out there for people returning to the work force after taking time for child rearing. i am vaguely aware of such private money for women, so/but....

other than that, i got nothing, except to say that this is a good forum to find an ear. and maybe see about getting your vitamin d checked. it can reek havoc on your mental health, and i assume it is even worse in maine than it is in chicago, where deficiencies are rampant.

I've been avoiding alcohol like the plague - which I normally used to do anyway. But as it was Christmas eve and all, I decided it would be ok to have a light beer or two. I did, and then my family started passing around a pipe - yeah, had some marijuana. I know I shouldn't because of how it interacts with anxiety. But I did, and for hours I was fine, in fact I felt far better than usual. (I generally smoke weed maybe once a year, if that)

Then, maybe half an hour ago, when I went to bed to lay down, I started feeling a panic attack coming on. I'm in that phase... zone... whatever you want to call it, where I'm trying to deny that one might be coming - somehow absurdly thinking that denying it will stop it. God, I almost never have them this bad anymore.

On Christmas morning, of all times. Shouldn't have indulged... some times I forget how messed up my brain chemistry is and try to pretend I can drink and smoke a little pot like everyone else in my family.

Maybe it will pass me by, I know how to control them to an extent now - focusing on something. Everyone went to bed two hours ago though and now I'm up by myself. Shaking, paranoid about my heartbeat... can't take my meds because I smoked a little pot.

It's crazy, no one would think, to look at me, that I'm experiencing anything unpleasant right now other than perhaps nervous-ness. I hope I didn't just trigger another phase of that mad anxiety that leaves me bedridden and useless to everyone for months.

I know I shouldn't bitch on Christmas. But I can't help it, I'm scared.

Fortunately it passed and I'm still sane. I never know when I'm going to go totally off my rocker.. not in a dangerous sort of way - more in a babbling paranoid lunatic (who's afraid of everything in that condition - even chemicals in tooth paste) sort of way. It's happened on a few occasions and lasted for months. When it does happen I lose my ability to focus almost completely, can't read, write, even watching movies is impossible... right, Christmas.

Sorry for not responding to your kind replies earlier, I was rather upset with myself.

Thank you both very much for the kind words, I deeply appreciate your empathy.

Ah, yy, when it comes to things like this... it doesn't matter how old we are. I remember being 18 and watching children 10-14 going through the same hell I was. I remember how terrible I felt that people even younger than me had to suffer that. I remember how determined I was to help... then the more I learned about psychiatry the more I hated it. Somehow I just ended up going through the same vicious cycle every other year or so.

My kids.... ah, that's a sore spot on Christmas day Mo, (which is when I'm typing this, at about 6:15 AM) but I have not seen them in years (4, nearly 5 now). God, I feel so horrid when I say that. Only one is mine biologically, but I always took pride in both of them and loved them both. It's a very long story, but their Mother lives in South Dakota with them and her parents... we were young, unprepared... foolish.

No financial options available there. I'd love to see them if I could, even for a few minutes. Their Mother isn't fond of me.. which complicates matters more. No legal options until I'm remotely emotionally/financially stable. It's been that way for years and I keep telling myself it will get better, that I'll pull through and... well, "get a life" somehow.

Too long, far, far too long. There is something broken in my heart this Christmas, and every Christmas since I last saw the little devils.

Finally going to try to sleep. Thank you again. Merry Christmas to you both, and to everyone.

had a feeling there was an unpleasant story in there somewhere, but, well, hell. sometimes things jump out at you. do you keep in touch with them at all?

i agree with the other response here that it would be good to get out of maine. the first step is the hardest, for sure. you have yourself painted into quite a corner. i know you mention seeing psychs and all, but it is definitely the kind of thing that can take a lot of tries to find the right thing. meds or people. if you it isn't a financial problem to do it, you should keep trying. at least you get to leave the house?

But do you have a close relative OUTSIDE of Maine who would let you stay for a while and job hunt?

It seems to me it might do you good to get out of Maine. Not that I don't love Maine -- it's a beautiful state. But it sounds like much of your depression is also situational: I can remember myself, living at home with my dad, job hunting. You feel like such a failure.

I'm also thinking of some other programs: Americorps? The Peace Corps? Something that'll get you out of there for a few years.