Why I need to change my user name.

I posted this in response to nnns and mdmc in Ladyhawk's thread about the brain breaking the body. I thought I'd give it its own thread as well because I want everyone to see it.

I was doing pretty good in my recovery that started 6 years ago on a hospital psychiatric ward. Things started to get better every day there in the beginning, then I kind of hit a plateau. My life was still good, but I wasn't really making any improvements, and I still felt pretty bad about myself sometimes. That was until I met the best psychologist I think anyone could hope to have. I only saw her once a week for 3 months, but she changed everything. And it was all really simple, but for some reason I needed help seeing it for myself. I needed to admit it to myself.

Even after the dramatic improvement during the hospital stay, getting my dosages right, and finding a good doctor, I was still punishing myself. I have punished myself since I was a little kid. It's a learned behavior that is every bit as much a part of me as the nose on my face. I've written here about trying to find someone to blame for that, but that doesn't solve anything. Like you said, nnns, we have to be here now and look toward the future instead of dwelling on the past.

My psychologist showed me how Droopy the Punisher was controlling my life. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but she was right. The full realization and the importance of my time with her is just now sinking in. I used to smoke and drink. Almost everything I ate was bad for me. At 290 pounds I was horribly out of shape and over 100 pounds overweight, and it wasn't the medication doing it to me. I didn't have any friends or a lover. I didn't really like myself all that much.

My psychologist told me that all of that stuff in the previous paragraph was a part of me punishing myself. A part of me hated the rest of me so much that it was trying to put me in the ground. How do you fix that? You start being good to yourself. Being good to yourself means being a non-smoker and not drinking too much. It means putting nutritious food in your body and avoiding junk food. It means getting back into shape if you can. It means having a social life and being a person that other people like being around. It means looking for someone to share your life with. It means embracing yourself instead of punishing yourself.

That's what it has meant to me, anyway. It's a pretty personal kind of thing. Your method of fixing yourself may be different. The biggest thing that has helped me in all of this is dropping a bunch of weight and eating right. I've been heavy my whole life and it makes me feel so good now to look in the mirror and like what I see. I have a tremendous amount of energy now and a lot more self confidence. The punisher is still there, but he is much weaker than he used to be and he is fading every day.

I scheduled an appointment with that psychologist for tomorrow. I wanted to follow up with her and show her her handiwork. On the phone I did not tell her that I had dropped 70 pounds, just that I was doing much better. I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees me tomorrow. The guy that called himself Droopy when he signed up at this place has changed radically since then. I guess I should create a new user name next time we have name change amnesty.

You are an inspiration and even apart from that, I'm so damn happy for your gains.

:hug:

:toast:

:shrug:

i can see where they don't like to do that stuff willy nilly, but maybe he would make an exception if you sent a link to this post.

ttt