A Vienna Philharmonic Joke For You

A 30-year veteran of the Vienna Philharmonic's viola
section is trudging home from the latest performance.
He stops at the local brathaus for dinner and a beer,
drowning his sorrows at how unappreciated he is, how
his long service seems to go unnoticed and unrewarded.
"Well, at least Helga is waiting at home for me," he
says with just a glimmer of hope in his eye.

But when he reaches home, he is surprised to find that
his wife isn't there. He looks in her closets and
finds that all of her clothes, jewelry - and the
family nest egg - are all missing. Fearing the worst,
he runs next door to his neighbor.

"Karl, Karl!" he screams. "It's Helga. She's gone! Not
only her, but all of her clothes and jewelry, even our
retirement money! Should I call the police? Did you
see her? What happened."

"Well, Fritz," says Karl, "I'm sorry to be the one to
have to tell you this, but your wife has run away with
the Maestro. Oh yes, it's true. While you were slaving
away rehearsing in that god-forsaken pit, the Maestro
was coming here and screwing your wife. Yes, I'm quite
sure it went on for many, many years. I would often
hear their wild sex through the wall, it was always
quite loud and always very dirty and disgusting.
Today, the Maestro arrived in his Porsche. They went
at it for about 3 hours - he even brought a midget
along - and then, in a flurry, they ran to the car,
luggage in hand, and drove off. The last thing I heard
was Helga, screaming at the top of her lungs, 'I'm
free, free at last from that goddamn violist, his
pathetic life and his embarrassingly small penis.
Screw you, Fritz, may you rot in hell!""

Stunned, Fritz can't believe his ears. His mind
boggles at the news he has just heard. Never in his
life did he ever expect that THIS would happen.

"You mean," says Fritz hopefully, "the Maestro came to
MY house?..."

that's good!

How do you get two Viola players to play in tune?
Shoot one of them.

What's the definition of a minor 2nd?
Two Viola players playing in unison.

How do you know there's a group of Viola players at your door?
None of them can find the key: None of them knows where to come in.

What's the difference between a Viola and an onion?
Nobody cries when they chop up a Viola.

What's the difference between a Viola and a TV dinner?
The Viola doesn't fit in a Microwave oven. (Unless you break the neck off)

What's the difference between a Violin and a Viola?
A Viola burns longer.

What's the difference between a Viola player driving into town and a
plumber driving into town?
The plumber is going to a gig.

What's the difference between a dead Viola player lying in the road and a dead Country Singer lying in the road.
The Country Singer was going to a record date.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
You can tune the lawnmower.

What's the difference between a Viola and a coffin?
With a coffin the dead person is inside.

What's the difference between a Viola and a trampoline?
You should take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a Viola and scraping your nails on a blackboard?
Vibrato.

What's the difference between a Viola player and a dressmaker?
The dressmaker gets paid to tuck up the frills: A Viola player ...
never mind

Why do Viola players keep their cases on their car dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from a Viola recital.

What do you get when you cross a Viola player with a roadie?
A Viola player with a gig.

Why is playing a Viola solo like wetting your pants?
Both give you a nice warm feeling while everybody moves away from you.

How can you make a Violin sound more like a Viola?
Miss a lot of notes.

How can you tell if a Viola is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why do Violin players double on Viola?
So they can get less work.

Why are Viola parts written in Alto Clef?
Harder to prove that wrong notes weren't copying errors.

Where did Alto Clef originate?
Bach took a bribe from a wealthy Viola player.

What's the range of a Viola?
35 yards if you've got a good arm.

What do you call someone who hangs around musicians a lot?
A Viola player.

Who makes the best Viola mutes?
Smith & Wesson.

When do Viola players usually replace their strings?
Right after they finish eating the CrackerJacks.

Why do symphony orchestras use so many Violas?
To make the custodial staff feel superior. Also helps the homeless problem.

What is the most common Viola tuning system for Western music?
Bad-tempered.

Definition of an optimist:
A Viola player with a beeper.

Why don't you see MIDI Violas being used in bands?
Mattel stopped making them.

What kind of microphone works best for Viola in a live band?
A cordless mini condenser with a dead battery.

Viola players I have known:
Kenny Kudditt
Willie Showup
Ima Dudd
Howard Ino
Manny Mustakes
Skip DeRunz
Chaim Lostalott
Sinbad Tayste
Peg Stuck
Hyman Trubble
Buster Bridge
Les Saithnotz
Moe Clinkers

The only musician joke I have handy is this:

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

One. You place her on a ladder, and the motion of the world revolving around her screws the bulb in.

Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A. On a bull, the horns are in front....

Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.


string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.



My favorite:
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

Conductor jokes:
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.



see here: http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/#violin


conductor
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
concertmaster
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
oboist
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
trumpet player
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
bassoonist
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
second violinist
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
manager
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
horn player
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.