From introvert to extrovert

I just moved to a new city. I amd an introvert--not painfully so. I can make a speech, hold conversations with people, etc. but I find it hard to make new friends so I've been traveling back to my old haunts a lot depending on old friends and family for my social life.
Now, it's become more and more obvious that I have to make a life where I am and let go of the past.

During recent travels, I hung out with a coworker who is an EXTROVERT. She is delightful--to a point. (At some moments I wanted her to shut up...but other than that...) Her wonderful motto is that she: "never meet(s) a stranger." When we were lost, she asked for directions without hesitation. I marveled at the way that she struck up conversations with everybody. She speaks to people and smiles at them everywhere--and they respond. I picked up some of her behavior just handing around her and instantly people were more friendly--smiling at me too and struck up random conversations. The trouble is, now that we've left the travel grounds, I'm back to being me without the spark from her.

So. Keeping in mind that I want to make new friends and recalling how this person does it so easily, I found this online at Google at StevePavlina.com:

"How to Go From Introvert to Extrovert"

"As a child I was very introverted, often spending my time on the computer, reading, playing video games, or pursuing other solo hobbies. I’d spend time outdoors biking, exploring the nearby fields and hills (which today are filled with houses...Anyone who knew me would have described me as an introvert without a second thought....I enjoyed being an introvert. I often viewed extroverts as lacking in intelligence and depth, and I can’t say I wanted to count myself among them.

...I eventually ...embraced spending time with other people, went out of my way to meet new people, could comfortably introduce myself to strangers, and actually enjoyed it. The Myers-Briggs test now labels me an extrovert...I found that I had to overcome several blocks to being more extroverted. Chances are that if you’re in the same boat, you have some of these blocks as well.

<snip>

Underdeveloped social skills. Social skills can be learned...One reason introverts shy away from social activities is that they don’t feel comfortable because they don’t know what to do, especially if the unexpected were to occur. Being able to start up a conversation with a stranger AND feel completely comfortable doing it is a learnable skill. The more you do it, the better you get at it. Embrace the fact that you’re a beginner, and don’t compare yourself to others.

Envisioning yourself as the wrong kind of extrovert. ...I really didn’t want to be more like the extroverts I knew...my vision of an extrovert was an in-your-face salesperson who only wanted to build a shallow relationship with you so they could sell you something. It seemed very fake and phony to me...that vision prevented me from ever wanting to be like that...you’re free to form your own vision of a positive way to be more extroverted.

... Overvaluing online socializing. Online socializing has its place in your life, but...I feel much closer to the local friends I’ve known for only a few months than I do to the people I’ve known online for years...You don’t have to do away with online socializing, but don’t allow it to crowd out meeting people locally. If you do that, you’ll only cause your interpersonal skills to lag further behind.

more here:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/how-to-go-from-introvert-to-extrovert/

In my considered opinion, it's a load of bollocks.

Fairly recent research has shown that introverts and extroverts are actually neurologically different. You can't REALLY "go from introvert to extrovert", unless you get a brain transplant. You can learn to ACT like an extrovert, but it'll never be anything BUT an act, no matter how good you get at it.

I see the problem as being NOT introversion, but instead the essential shallowness of American society, which says that if you aren't a gregarious extrovert there's something wrong with you.

I have found that to be true.

Whenever I go out in public, be it at work, or an evening out, I always refer to it as "my game face," The part of me that smiles a lot and schmoozes a room. ;-)

My objective in those instances is always to find the more introverted ones and develop a rapport with them. Don't get me wrong, I can certainly make a go of it with extroverts, it's just that they wear me out sooner than I do them. I've also learned to honor knowing when I've reached my stimulation limit in such environments. If it's a party or an evening out, that's when I say goodbye and leave. That's OK.

Just last night, I went to a party an acquaintance at work had. I was familiar with that group from work, but I didn't really "know" them. I hadn't spent anytime with them working or anything. But I thought it would be fun; they seemed like a happy, fun-loving group, so I went.

And I had a blast!! :D

I laughed, and danced, and talked about living in the suburbs of England as opposed to my little rural patch here in NC. I floated between the larger extrovert group that was trying different drinks and the other two introverts in the room, who had their own conversation going.

But you know what?

After midnight I turn into a pumpkin! :D The drink experiment was still going strong, but I was tired by then. Tired of the noise, tired of the activity in the room. I wanted some peace. So I told the host what a wonderful time I had (which I genuinely did), gathered my dishes and when to my car.

I was glad for the silence. *sigh* It was like I had been on high alert all night and I could finally stand down.

I got home around 1am and slept ti 10:30. :D So here I sit at lunchtime just now eating breakfast. :7 B-)

I seem to NEED a few drinks to help me socialise; sober, the auditory stimulation and crowded environment would start getting to me after about a quarter of an hour (I've experienced sensory overload from excess stimulation before, and it's just NOT any fun). Personally I tend to gravitate more towards the other introverts at social gatherings, and I find I usually end up needing to leave early...I seem to have a fairly low threshold for overstimulation, though (which probably has something to do with the fact that I have Asperger's Syndrome, in addition to being very introverted).

My general rule of thumb is that I need about 2 hours to recharge for every 1 hour spent socialising.

I have learned to fake it, and do it well, but it sucks the energy right out of me.

I agree. Someone just directed me over here. Cool. I never though of that, but jeebus does interfacing with my own species wear me the fuck out.

Not on the internet, of course, because you don't have to do all the things with your face and voice like you do in person...but in person it is just exhausting.

I'm the type of person that is introverted when I'm in my hometown or if I'm out of town with people I know but if I go to another city by myself it's like I'm a whole other person. If I were to go to a bar in my hometown by myself I would sit and drink by myself and then go on home after a bit but if I were traveling and went to a bar I would have 10 new friends within an hour of walking in the door. I've tried bringing my roadtrip persona into my everyday at home one but it never works. Weird.

Why would I want to be an extrovert? I don't find them delightful. They irritate me. :shrug:

The only other person that I know that's irritated by extroverts is my mother. I was starting to think that it was a family quirk. Personally, if extroverts didn't insist that there was something wrong with my introversion, I'd be happy as pigs in mud to talk with them sometimes.

I recently left a church because among other things, they insisted that I be more social than I am. They were always asking me to join some committee, run this or that event (it is a small rural church).

Really what this meant was that I spent quality time in the kitchen, mostly to escape the noisy fellowship hall.

Now, I don't mind participating... sometimes.... to the best that I am able. But I also hate having to repeatedly say "No." Like some people just can believe that you don't want to always be doing something in their presence. :grr: And of course from their perspective, your degree of participation directly correlates to how much you like them. :eyes:

edit: I left because I got frustrated I couldn't seem to make them respect my boundaries. Most are 30 years older than I am and still consider me something of a little squirt, eventhough I'm in my mid-40s! I got tired of playing second fiddle, or good daughter.

I will probably eventually join another church, but it will have to be one that I can have a much more equal relationship with as far as private/social time. I don't know who that will be yet.