The Joke Buffet 5-13-07

The Sisters of Mercy


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

He realizes that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

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Signs That You Might Be Trailer Trash


The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this! "

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

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Dubya

While walking down the street, Dubya was struck by a large wheel of cheese that fell out of Swiss Air Flight # 19.

Sadly. George does not make it and his soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome George!"...says St. Peter..."we seldom see Republicans here, so we're not sure what to do."

"No problem Pete, let me in I'm worthy"...says Dubya.

"I'd like to but I have orders from the Man Himself, he says you have to spend one day in hell then one day in heaven so you choose where you'll live for eternity."

"I've made up my mind, I want to be in heaven"...says Dubya.

"I'm sorry, but we have rules"...so, St. Peter escorted him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell.

The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a country club, it's 72 degrees, no oil shortage here!

There's a Texas-style barbecue with cloned cattle and genetically engineered corn.

Standing in the crowd are other Republicans who had helped him out over the years.

Expensively dressed, Jerry Falwell, Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh, greet him, then they reminisce about getting rich at the expense of the poor and the liberals.

Soon, the devil approaches Bush, then says..."have a milk shake and relax, Dubya"

Dubya drinks the shake, and takes a liking to the devil, but it is now time to go.

Dubya got on the elevator then returns to heaven and St. Peter says..."now it's time to visit heaven."

So for 24 hours Bush hung out with a bunch of honest, good-natured animal rights activists, people who enjoy talking of family values instead of money and power.

"All these people are poor!"...Dubya thought to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
St. Peter returned, then said..."so, you've spent a day in hell and a day in heaven, now you must choose."

The Jeopardy theme plays softly as Dubya reflects for a minute, then says..."I belong in hell with my friends."

So St. Peter put him on the elevator and he went down, down, down all the way to hell.

The doors of the elevator open, and he finds himself in the middle of this barren, scorched earth, covered with leaking 55-gallon drums of toxic industrial waste, kinda like Gary, Indiana.

Horrified, Dubya sees his friends dressed in rags, and picking up the industrial waste with teaspoons.
Lucifer comes over to Dubya then puts an arm around his shoulder and says..."thank you!"

"What happened?!"...says Dubya..."yesterday I had a Texas barbecue, we had a wonderful time, now there's a wasteland and everybody seems miserable!"

The devil smiled, and explained..."see, yesterday I was campaigning...today I got your vote!"

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Leaving The Convent

In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.

"Mother, I want to quit the veil."
"But why, my child?"
"To become a prostitute."
"What? What are you saying?"
"I said I want to become a prostitute, Mother."
"Oh. You had me worried for a moment. I thought you said Protestant!"

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Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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I've Fallen And I Don't Want To Get Up

A catholic priest was giving confession one day when members of his congregation walked in and said, "Forgive father for I have sinned...I cheated on my husband/wife this week and I have no one else to turn to." The priest would reply, "You are forgiven my child...but try to keep from repeating this sinful nature."

Sunday morning comes and he decides to direct his sermon to all of those people who had committed adultery. The congregation was observant in the priest's actions because he said if they couldn't do better than this he would leave the church. The congregation liked the minister, so they came up with a code word for every time they had committed adultery...they would go into confession and say that they had "fallen" that week.

A couple of years later, that priest had died and was replaced. It came time for the new priest to do confessions and he noticed that many of his members were coming in, saying they had "fallen". The new priest was concerned about his congregation and took it upon himself to go to the courthouse and talk to the mayor.

The priest walks into the mayor's office and says, "Mr. Mayor, you have to do something about your sidewalks and walkways in the community."

The mayor looking puzzled asks, "Sidewalks?"

The priest says, "Yeah. Many of your citizens have fallen this week!"

The mayor realizes what the priest is talking about and says, "There's no need to be concerned father. Don't worry about it and go home."

The priest replied, "No need to worry about it...I think if anyone should be worried it should be you; even your wife has fallen 3 times this week."

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Not In The Book

Three preachers and their wives were killed in a car accident, upon their arrival at the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter.

The first preacher walked up and said" Hello St. Peter, I'm ready to come in".

St. Peter checked his list and said" I'm sorry your name is not in the book."

"What!" exclaimed the preacher," I have been a preacher for thirty years!"

"Yes" replied St. Peter, "However, you are guilty of gluttony, you loved food and sweets so much you even married a woman named Candy."
The pastor, defeated took his wife’s hand and walked away.

The next preacher came up to the St. feeling pretty certain he would be allowed in. "I'm ready to come in St. Peter" he said with a smile.

"I'm sorry, your name is not in the book."

"How can that be?" asked the preacher, "I have been a pastor for 20 years!"

"You are guilty of the sin of greed, you loved money so much, you married a woman named Penny."

Defeated, the preacher took his wife’s hand and walked away.

The last preacher, certain of the out-come, turned to his wife and said, "Come on Fanny, I'm not gettin' in."

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No Room In The Inn

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod --one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, 'Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.' The Jewish lady said, 'But your sign says that you have vacancies.' The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, 'You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town...'

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, 'I'll have you know I converted to your religion.'

The desk clerk said, 'Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?'

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, 'He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.'

'Very good,' replied the hotel clerk. 'Tell me more.'

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, 'He was born in a manger.'

'That's right,' said the hotel clerk. 'And why was he born in a manger?'

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, 'Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!'

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Religious Man And An Atheist

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

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You Get What You Pray For

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"

She responds: "I can't see my ass coming into work today."

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Husband Wanted

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married and put a want ad in the local paper: "HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person."

On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you----you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"

She snorted, "You have no arms either!"

Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"

The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still good in bed?" she asked.

The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?

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Name Dropper

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked, "Do you like pussycats?" With that the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

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Top Ten Questions Not To Ask In A Job Interview

What would you never ask in a job interview? Try these...

10. What's your company's policy on severance pay?

9. How long does it take your company's bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?

8. Could I get an office that's really close to the exit?

7. Does your company's life insurance cover suicide?

6. Who's the ugly bitch in that picture on your desk?

5. Does your company's insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?

4. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?

3. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?

2. Does your LAN have a firewall that blocks triple-X websites?

1. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?

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Lost My Panties

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a GirlsNightOut, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, and then threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

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Top Ten Eleven Reasons To Go To Work Naked

11. No one ever steals your chair.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

7. So that -with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

... And (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

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The Lost Sponge

Woman was stepping out of the shower when her 5 year old son comes in. He stares at her vagina, points, then asks, "Mommy, what's that?"

She thinks hard to come up with something and she says, "its my little black sponge".

The kid satisfied with the answer left to go play. Two mornings later, the boy asks his mother to see her black sponge again.

His mother replied, "I lost it".

The boy said, "I thought so Mommy. Cause yesterday, I saw Auntie Jessica cleaning daddy's face with it."

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Why??? Just Why???

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If love is blind, why do some people believe in love at first sight?

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed," if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all the Acme products, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why would all the king’s horses and all the king's men try to put Humpty Dumpty back together, when it doesn't even say anywhere in the nursery rhyme that Humpty Dumpty was an egg?

Why would you send horses to put a broken egg back together?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

And this is not a why question, but I wondered if anybody knows the answer: Did Adam and Eve have navels?

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THE Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

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Short Supply In Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer, and waited . . for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" say the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" ask the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

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Leaking Seal

A penguin is driving across the desert when the air conditioning goes out in his car. He rolls the windows down and keeps going until he comes to a service center along the highway. The penguin goes in and begs the mechanic to fix the air conditioning in the car before he dies from the heat.

The penguin goes into the convenience store attached to the service center and spies an ice cream cooler in the back of the store. He immediately goes back, walks right into the cooler and closes the door behind him.

An hour later he comes out with vanilla ice cream melting on his face and chest. The penguin leaves a twenty on the counter and returns to the service center to check on his car.

As he approaches his car he asks the mechanic how things are going. "Well," says the mechanic, "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replies, "Oh no, that's just ice cream."

I live in a mobile home. Why do people look down on those who live in mobile homes and call them trailer trash? Most of us mobile home dwellers are not foul-mouthed, beer-swilling, ignorant redneck Republicans.