"Them that die don't create the agony and strangeness of life. Only the living do that."

i watched the movie Clara's Heart the other night -- i haven't seen it in years but remember i really liked it.

i had forgotten the storyline.

it opens beautifully, the music is beautiful, it has several special "moments" and then...

the young boy, moping on his bed, feeling sorry for himself about not making the swim team, about his family life falling apart, is recalling how perfect life seemed when his little sister was still alive and asks clara:
"Why did Edith have to die and mess up everything?"
and then the answer...
"Them that die don't create the agony and strangeness of life. Only the living do that."

i burst out in tears. i stopped the movie. i rewound it and played it again. i rewound it and wrote it down. and i sobbed and sobbed, and talked to my mom--telling her of course i know she didn't create the agony i have since she's been gone--she would never have intentionally done that to me. i don't blame her. but i do attribute the agonies to having lost her. although i know she couldn't help it--i know she never would have wanted me to hurt so deeply and carry this agony with me like i do so often--nearly constantly. and i know she would feel terrible (or does feel bad) knowing she is at the bottom of my sadness.

i read the quote over again. "only the living do that." and i felt that was true. i create my own agony. and the amazing thing i felt--at that moment--is that if i'm creating it then i don't have to create it anymore. i don't have to. i can stop it.

so often i feel i get swept down into the depths of sorrow, that i tailspin out of control, helplessly carried on waves of grief. but this revelation that i had -- from a movie quote! -- is that if i'm creating it then i am controlling it. and if i am controlling it then i can NOT create it. or at least make an effort to not create it; to not let it take me over the way it has & does.

after about fifteen minutes of talking to myself and my mom, sobbing, coming to grips with this new concept that i, no matter if i'm aware of it or not, retain some control over myself and my emotions, i felt as if i had just had this Major major breakthrough. it was huge for me. i wanted to call my daughter and tell her--i was so excited. but it was 1:30 in the morning and i waited to share this with her. but it was really huge for me.

and the next day the challenge for me was to try to see some things from a different perspective, a lighter perspective. and i made an effort and it seemed to make a big difference. it was a good day yesterday. and today has been pretty good too.

i'm not saying this is guaranteed to keep me in a brighter day every day--but after feeling so out of control and helpless for the past eleven months (without any money or insurance to get some professional counseling) this was a real breakthrough for me.

my friend said it came to me at a time when i was ready to hear it and learn from it; that it came naturally, and simply, and easily. and he's right.

i hope it sticks with me. i hope if i start that downward spiral i'll remember that it is just me creating my own agony. and if i choose to stop it then i can--and since i understand that i create my agony i need to remember/understand that i don't have to do that anymore.

i know a lot of you have come to terms or found peace with a loss in your life. that's what i'm trying to do too. anyway, i just wanted to share this with everyone here. and maybe it can help someone else too.

Your breakthrough is huge, and it WILL stay with you.
There will still be days when you are sad (like on the anniversary of her death, birthdays, holidays, etc..), but hopefully, they will have eased in intensity.
Just be good to yourself, and DO allow yourself to feel in control. That means you can control when you choose to be sad or hopeful, optimistic, lonely, or whatever you happen to feel.

I rejoice with you, orleans! :hug:

Ruth