"Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced"

I was directed to this blog post from a non-political site. I thought it was amazing.

http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/#comments

Among other things, her description of the incident involving the afternoon-date-guy was dead on. I knew someone like that who was otherwise good company and I couldn't figure out what exactly was wrong. Now it's been articulated for me. Just came a few years too late...


It's hard to pull out the four best paragraphs, but here are three that are typical:

"When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s Rapist. You may or may not be a man who would commit rape. I won’t know for sure unless you start sexually assaulting me. I can’t see inside your head, and I don’t know your intentions. If you expect me to trust you—to accept you at face value as a nice sort of guy—you are not only failing to respect my reasonable caution, you are being cavalier about my personal safety.

Fortunately, you’re a good guy. We’ve already established that. Now that you’re aware that there’s a problem, you are going to go out of your way to fix it, and to make the women with whom you interact feel as safe as possible.

To begin with, you must accept that I set my own risk tolerance. When you approach me, I will begin to evaluate the possibility you will do me harm. That possibility is never 0%. For some women, particularly women who have been victims of violent assaults, any level of risk is unacceptable. Those women do not want to be approached, no matter how nice you are or how much you’d like to date them. Okay? That’s their right. Don’t get pissy about it. Women are under no obligation to hear the sales pitch before deciding they are not in the market to buy..."

Great find.

This is probably the best thing I've seen in a very long while to bookmark and send to the guys who asks why women don't like "nice guys like me."

From now on, every time one of my guy friends starts repeating that well-worn conversation about how women "won't even take the time to get to know me" I'm emailing a copy of that blog post.

Of course, then they're going to complain about how unfair it is that guys have to be considered potentially a rapist. It's unacceptable! Geez, women should just be telepathic or something, and intuitively know who the the safe guys are. It's every nice guy's RIGHT to be considered safe, don't you know!

I see interesting conversations happening very soon with my meetup group friends. :P

I highly recommend it for all women AND men. Good blog, by the way. Thanks for posting.

One of the things I always knew was coming, but still find surreal, is while I just hit 50, and my desirability is less, my chance of rape is not. So not going through what younger women go through as often is a relief, but that protective fear will be there for the rest of my life.

One of my joys in life is my 11 year old grandson. We talk about a variety of issues, including women's issues. He knows what feminist means and he knows that Nana is one. The topic of rape hasn't come up in the way that would show me this is an age appropriate article for him, but I'm going to bookmark it as well as print it out for when the time comes.

(And off topic, my grandson, when he was coming over had picked up this horrible habit of saying "That's so gay" as a put down. Well we've HAD that discussion. I'd say things like "I don't think a TV show can have an actual sexuality", and he'd roll his eyes. So the last two times he came over, I made a bet with him. If I swore any swear word, and I swear a lot, I owed him a nickle. If he referred to something as 'gay' as a put down (we established that 'Gay' as someone's sexuality was Ok) he owed me a nickle. The first time we just about broke even, but he pulled way ahead; the last time I ended up owing him $2.25, and he didn't use it at all. Thought I'd share that little technique. Kid's not a homophobe, but I hate that "so gay" shit--it's far more offensive to me that
the word 'fuck')

This post is one of the best...sadly the comments turned into an epic battle as Nice Guys insisted on their right to approach anyone they damn well please.

regardless of how they see themselves. :(

The definition of a "nice guy" as far as I knew has always been a straight guy who leaves women alone unless he's invited. That means you don't bother women. You wait for a chance to be introduced. You wait until she wants to talk to you. And if she doesn't ever want your attention, tough shit. Move on.

I guess nobody ever told them, or they think it has changed some over the years. :shrug:

It must be really heady stuff for these guys to think they are so important, and so powerful that they can dictate to everyone else how they must be perceived regardless of their actions and actual personalities.

"If I get pushy or I invade your privacy and personal space you are REQUIRED to accept it and still think that I am a really nice, friendly, charming guy. And you still have to really like me even though I'm a stranger and you don't know me, even if I'm creeping you out by refusing to leave you alone. If you don't like me, then you're a Bitch and maybe I'll give myself permission to blame you for it and hate you and maybe even do bad things to you and it'll be all your fault, not mine!"

"But remember, You have to give me credit for being a nice guy. Because I said so!"

:(

The more someone insists on being a nice guy the more I will assume he is a potential or undiscovered rapist.

Then these 'nice guys' start the weird non-logic in one form or another, ie no mean yes--she really wants it, or the ever-ready 'Why do women like badboys, I'm such a nice guy and I can't get a date'(laid)

That last always bugs the shit out of me,(the first is simply criminal thinking) possibly in part because in my world, a 'badboy' is, well, bad, but more because I work in a profession dominated by women. I occasionally do a spot check about the 'badboy theory'. Many women have a story of someone who goes out with 'losers' (such a nice, middleclass word)but they describe these women as ones with significant emotional problems. Others tell me personal stories, and it seems to take only once, or occasionally twice, and these women learn quickly they want nothing to do with some asshole.