Feminine Products you don't know what to do with

Some of you might remember the old ads for tampons, pads, and sprays that used a lot of words and images without ever explaining what they were for. (When I was a kid, I went on a spree of sending away for samples, which were popular then -- just because I wanted to get stuff in the mail -- and one of them was for "feminine napkins." I figured they'd be nice table napkins. My older sisters almost died laughing and STILL nobody told me what they were for.)

Carol Burnett once did a skit on those "feminine sprays" like FDS (do they still make those?), where she had the product, and was watching an ad trying to figure out where the hell to spray it.

I just thought of these things because I got this great catalogue today from the Vermont Country Store (it really is a great store -- thanks to AZDem for turning me onto it!) and it includes an ad for "Modesty Mates." They look like little flowers. The copy says:

Modesty Mates Ensure a Discreet, Nondefining Appearance
Feel a little self-conscious every time you wear a sheer or clingy blouse, sweater, or swimsuit? To dress with confidence, apply these self-adhesive Modesty Mates and enjoy a smooth, nondefining look. They naturally mold to the shape of the breast and the soft absorbent center ensures daylong comfort. They're also completely waterproof so you can wear them while swimming or exercising to prevent chafing, yet they peel off painlessly when the day is done. For use up to 8 hours. 2-1/2" diam. One size fits most.

What cracks me up is that in the whole description, they avoided the word "NIPPLE!" (I'm guessing that's what they're for -- to cover up the outline of nipples?) Reminds me of the old phrases like, "feel fresh and feminine all day!" (Which begs the question, What's it like to feel masculine? Unfresh & Smelly? If a woman is unfresh, is she no longer feminine?)

Do you recall any similar euphemistic descriptions? Are they still in use today?

They're for breastfeeding moms. :D

but I thought "non-defining" meant covering up the shape...? :shrug:

while I would have absolutely no personal knowledge, seems like a nursing mother's nipples tend to get bigger :shrug:

in that case I'd think they'd call them "Mother's Modesty Mates" or something...? It could be for both.

I was once involved with a conversation among dancers during costuming, about who was more or less "nipply." (Starting with, "I can't wear that one, I'm too nipply," from one dancer. "I'm nipply too," said someone else. The director turned to another dancer asking, "Are you nipply?" etc...)

I can understand not wanting to leak on clothes (there are special pads for that I used to wear when I was breastfeeding) but why are we so hung up on just the appearance of nipples, under clothing? And why are we so hung up on nipples that this ad couldn't even explain what "Modesty Mates" are for? :shrug:

when mothers use them for their intended purpose, nipples can sometimes leak a bit. (I've just grossed out all of the lurking men. My work here is done. }( )

They pour on competing menstrual pads in one commercial always cracks me up. Blue? Blue? Hey guys, you missed a detail there....

Any ad that speaks of "feminine hygiene" sprays, tampons, pads,douches- whatever, that is supposed to cover up odor just pisses me off. Put male (evidently) pleasing perfume on and miss potential deadly disease symptoms. Real nice, advertising assholes.

Never did they say a word about shoving it up your vagina! Now that's euphemism for a product that is meant to deny nature while opening the user up to possible infection by altering the Ph and eliminating the natural, helpful flora.

While I think showering before a hot date is a great idea, some of this stuff is just plain nuts. Who hates their anatomy so much to use it?

or the ludicrous ads on television and in magazines making women think they need them? Especially women that don't have women to guide them and tell them that a lot of this stuff is full of it.

Which of course, isn't to say that there aren't women out there that do think this stuff is necessary, and there is some self hate going on there.

When I was growing up, the women in my life just seemed to hate to have to talk about any of it. Trying to engage any of them in conversations about this stuff was next to impossible. Thankfully, being curious and resourceful I was able to find out a great deal on my own, but it wasn't easy.

better than bandaids did. Back in High School when women were all going braless we used to try to hide it from our parents who were disgusted by it all. Being not terribly large I was able to get away with it until one cold day with a not terribly thick blouse on the bandaids made a very unusual print on my blouse. Busted. Pun intended.

I had a very difficult time trying to figure out what all that stuff was, nobody would talk about it. I do remember insisting that my mother answer what Tampax was in the middle of a bowling alley once. I think she got the vapors over that one. Times have certainly changed.

My mother never NEVER told me anything about anything. I got my period when I was 11 and had to figure it out for myself, because I had been very well trained in "discretion" and "shame" by that time.

It took me 10 years to get used to the idea that just because I was a woman, didn't make me "different" or abnormal. (Pretty much when I got pregnant with my daughter, lol.)

I remember when I went to 7th grade being very embarrassed that I had pubic hair. I had no idea that it was a normal thing, I thought it was something that happened to me because I was bad. You can imagine how stunned I was to find out that it was normal. That and the fact that I had no idea that it was normal not to have a penis. I was so confused by those silly videos in 5th grade because I thought that everyone had one but me.

I was so ashamed and like you it took me many years to get over that.

and I am mad as hell about it!

Some days I just want to scream... right now, I want to... I just finished yet another article that will go unappreciated by pretty much everyone who reads my work and I am sick and tired of being treated like a fucking space alien because I am a woman...

(That felt good, lol.)

starting at age eight or nine.

I picked up that there was something called menstruation, which involved bleeding from the uterus, but my knowledge of anatomy was incomplete, so I assumed that the blood came out of the navel. I figured out that sanitary napkins were for menstruation, so I imagined them being used to daub at the blood as it oozed out one's navel.

Then my whole concept came crashing down when I saw an ad that said, "The feminine napkin you can wear and forget."

I puzzled over that one until I saw the movie that was sponsored by Modess sanitary products and shown to all the fifth grade girls. :-)

I mean, a clean woman doesn't have an offensive odor, for chrissake, and trying to convince women they smell like tuna...well, guys, that's just childish. And if you ain't clean, spraying perfume over it is just gonna make it smell like flowery dirty crotch.

But I don't see anything wrong with the nipple pads. I don't like having my nipples visible in public through a too-thin bra or swimsuit, because some people are riveted to the sight of a nipple. I'd as soon not attract the attention of creeps. My nipples are for a very select group of people to view, not the wide world. ;-)

It's kind of the same way I feel about the outline of my vulva. I'm not about to walk around with visible camel-toe.

I recall going into my mom's room to ask her something. My stepfather came in behind me and handed her a maxipad. She apparently was embarassed as she just tucked it down the front of her nightgown while I was talking to her. Until I got the "facts of life" movie and talk in school in 5th grade I thought maxipads went in a woman's cleavage. :rofl:

And that whole idea about "feeling not-so-fresh", why is it only women have to worry about that? I've encountered some men that don't smell so approachable, yet I don't see ads entreating them to spray or flush their nether regions with toxic chemicals. (I did, however, see a faux ad on SNL for a product called "A$$ Don't Smell" which portrayed a guy who terrorized office mates with his foul smelling behind. He found a can of the product on his desk, and to the delight of his office mates used it. There also was one for pine scented jock-cup inserts. :rofl:)

I've actually encountered only a handful of women that I could smell that "not-so-fresh" odor from normal speaking distance - usually women who were taught by their old-fashioned mothers that it was unhealthy to bathe during their periods (yes, women used to be taught that - ugh!). But I have encountered a whole hell of a lot of men who could benefit from MDS Masculine Deodorant Spray for their Unmentionable Areas which smell a whole lot like Limburger Crotch. So why aren't there ads for No More Jock Stench spray?

About it being unhealthy to bathe during your period. I wonder where that ever came from. :crazy:

I'm sure the reason there aren't ads for "No More Jock Stench" spray is because the guys who reek of it are the types who just don't give a darn.

Guys! Don't strike out with foul balls! Let's face it fellas, some kinds of cheese aren't ever going to win first place at the Wisconsin State Fair.

and EW! all at the same time! LOL!

I went outside and we started opening them up like presents and sticking them to stuff...

My mother was horrified...

You made me literally laugh out loud, lol.

I love it!!!

two small children covered in maxipads. They had also opened the tampons, and wrapped the strings around their ears so they could be worn as earrings. She says she took pictures for future blackmail purposes. :rofl: