Desperate Feminist Wives (from Slate)

More: http://www.slate.com/id/2137537/fr/rss/

have woken up to the fact that they have been sold a bill of goods when it comes to marriage.

The more I think about marriage, the less interested I am in taking the plunge. It just seems like so many women become less themselves and more miserable with each passing year. "The problem that has no name" may be a creeping dissatisfaction with an institution that is ultimately sufficating and oppressive for women who want to make something out of their lives. We are taught that we can't be happy without finding a husband and settling down, but it seems to me that marriage makes it even harder to realize one's full potential as a woman and a human being.

The entire institution is inherently sexist and oppressive.

but it certainly isn't easy in our culture. And there's not a lot of societal support for building a marriage like that. Progressive women are more aware of the many ways in which they're getting screwed, and they can see the many things that need improvement. Being oblivious to our screwed-overness might make us happier, but at what price?

I dislike these "unhappy feminist" studies, because the conservatives always pipe up and tell us that our unhappiness is due to our rejection of our "true nature." I would argue that, if we really are more discontented, it is because we see the world more clearly. We can see how much better things could be.

I think the message of this article is "Stop thinking, be happy."

;)

after I got over anger at how biased the reporting on this was.

I'm going to take a bit of exception to your remarks anyway.

I think one of the things often overlooked about the feminist movement is that it paved a road for women to CHOOSE. I have friends who work from home by choice. I have friends who are stay at home moms by choice. I also have friends who work in the corporate world. I have friends who are single by choice and I have friends who are married by choice. That's the point, isn't it? CHOICE.



This might be true for some progressive women, but I highly doubt it is true of all progressive women. (For instance, the one here typing this message to you -- the only one for which I'm allowed to speak.) I also have to wonder if you would feel the same about any marriage, or only a heterosexual one. Would a marriage of two lesbians also be inherently sexist and oppressive? Two gay men?

I cannot disagree with your belief that marriage makes it "even harder to realize one's full potential as a woman and a human being." For women who want a life which extends beyond their home and family, having those obligations always make the process more difficult -- but not impossible. On the other hand, if I'm unable to go march on Washington because of responsibilities at home, I can either sit and sulk or I can make the best of the situation (organize a local march, watch the televised event with my children and explain to them why it is important, etc.) There are women in this world, however, who believe the only way they will reach their full potential is through their home and family. Shake your head in bewilderment all you want about those ladies, but they are entitled to their belief and their choice.

Finally, I'm not sure how to explain my last point without diving into my own personal experiences. Although I've done everything within my power to balance my home and family against my own personal aspirations, there are always women who want to tell me that I'm somehow failing at life. When I'm among mostly other stay-at-home moms, I'm shunned because I do not place my entire focus on my home and family. When I attend meeting with work-outside-the-home moms, I'm shunned because I do not place my entire focus on my career. If any of those women would take time to talk to me, they'd learn that I am happy with where I am right at this moment. In my opinion, I've found a solution which works for me. Why should other women be trying to place such a guilt trip on me for it?

I have a friend who is a stay-at-home mom. While I often shake my head when she tells me she needs to rush home to help get the kids in bed or whatever, she just smiles. One night she told me (as she was slipping on her coat to leave a meeting early), "I think what people don't understand is that I like being a part of the group, but, for now, it makes me most happy to concentrate on my family. The girls won't be young forever and I just don't want to miss a thing. When they are all in school, not only will I be able to do more for myself, but I'll be able to do it with a clear head."

I thought about her words for a long time that night. At first I wanted to tell her that she shouldn't feel guilty for not always being home to put the girls to bed, but then I realized the reason she felt guilty wasn't because someone had pushed that on her. She felt guilty because it was something she truly wanted to do more than anything else.

While I'll not sit here and lie to you by telling you how perfect my marriage is, I will tell you that I'm lucky enough to be sharing life with my best friend. We have our moments of disagreement just like people in any relationship (inside or outside of marriage) are going to have. I know from experience, however, that when I'm hurting, he is the only person I want to comfort me. When I've been presented awards or honors -- even those times when you're asked to stand at a meeting as those around you applaud your hard work -- they mean so much more when I can share them with him. The best thing about marriage, according to us, is that we walk out into the world with the full knowledge and understanding that someone else always has our back.

The problems in our society aren't going to be solved by traditionalists who believe all women should be in the home or by (what I'll refer to as) radical feminists who believe no woman should ever partner with a man. I think we, as feminists, have a responsibility to the whole of women to set up a table with amazing opportunities. Once a woman comes to that table and selects one, we shouldn't be berating her, but rejoicing in the fact that she made the choice. Our primary focus should be on the women in our society who, by circumstance or design, have had their choices stripped from them. (The woman who's husband left her alone to raise three kids and now she's working two jobs. The woman who can't take six months from her corporate job to spend time with her newborn. The woman who loses her job because her son or daughter is always sick and she must miss work. The woman who is degraded by society because she chooses to be single.)

There are many things we, as feminists, can do to better the overall plight of women. I do not feel, however, painting all women with the same broad brush is one of them.

you may gain some insight to your own questions...

First, let me say thank you for sharing.

But you ask "Why should other women be trying to place such a guilt trip on me for it?" and then say this: "While I often shake my head when she tells me..." Is there a raised eyebrow icon around here somewhere?

I'm not trying to "call you out". I do think sometimes though that we don't realize how we contribute to the situation ourselves. We have to be careful of the subtle things we communicate to each other that we probably don't even mean. I'm sure you don't mean to place that "guilt trip" on your friend as perhaps the other women don't mean to place it on you. Sometimes subtle communication can be meant but sometimes it's interpretted through the lenses of our own guilt colored glasses. (FTR, I know I do it too and I hope you take this with the spirit it was intended.)

This was beautifully said: "I think we, as feminists, have a responsibility to the whole of women to set up a table with amazing opportunities."

I caught it as I was typing, but left it in because - ugly as it is - it's the truth. Women (even me) do have a hard time just letting other women be whatever it is that makes them the most happy. I think most of it is done with the best intentions. In my particular case, I want my friend to have activities outside of her home and family. I think it will expand her world and make her more happy. As she very nicely pointed out to me, no one else can decide for her what happiness is or where she is going to find it.

I definitely take your post in the spirit it was offered and with the full realization that I still have some changes to make if I wish to be the feminist I aspire to be. (Admitting you have a problem is half the battle, right?)

I think it's important not to cover our human failings just to sound "better" on the boards. In doing so, we have the opportunity to talk about our own involvement in "the system".

So why do we do that to each other? I hear a lot the idea that women are competitive with each other, that we put each other down, that we will stand with a man to win his favor rather than stand with another woman. A lot of people suggest it's that we do it to feel superior but I suspect it's just the opposite - we do it because we feel inferior. For example:

I was changing in the gym locker room this morning and there was a nice looking, fit, self-assured woman in there with me. So why did I feel she must be looking at me as if I didn't measure up? Was she feeling the same thing? Why didn't we initiate a conversation?

Where the heck does that come from? I prefer not to go back to the caveman hunter-gatherer genetics thing if possible because, I'd like to believe we've evolved a little since then... but I haven't figured this one out yet. So we feel judged by other women and admit we do it too but is it that we're judging them or judging ourselves? And why do feel the need?

Anyway, I'm just rambling... Thought since your posts were so introspective/sensitive you might be interested. BTW - I'm also in the happily-married-to-a-progressive-man camp. Just thought you'd like to know you had some company on that front. :hi:

My husband has secondary-progressive Multiple Sclerolsis and is unable to work. I do the providing. I also do most of the hard labor--such as the major remodeling project I have going on right now. My husband suffers from horrible fatugue and there are days were he can't get off the couch. We raised four children together as his disease slowly progressed-- they are all out of the house now (one called last night and says she needs to come back.. sigh..)

But back to the topic. My husband is my best friend, my favorite companion and I wouldn't trade him for anyone. But there are times when I break down, when I'm exhausted, when I don't think I can watch him deteriote anymore, days I just want to run. But..

In my marriage I'm very happy. Because I choose to be. I take it head on, discard what's not important. In my career, I wouldn't be anything else but a nurse. (I see all kinds of pro-feminist oppurtunities in nursing--I annouce that I'm a feminist, and in a career comprised mostly of women, these women who would never call themselves feminist find they have much in common with my opinions...)My husband is one of those (unlike me) who needs few words to say a truth.
We're both liberal, progressive, we vote, and we care--really care-- about our neighborhood, our city, our state, our country, and the world. He with his fatigue, often needs to follow my lead, but he doesn't go just because I do. He needs my energy, not my control. Interesting situation for a feminist, no? I could control as much as I wanted to, but we divide labor as much as possible. I give him as much control as he can take, as much as he can handle. I admit I push him when I think he can do more.
He needs me, but he also loves me so deeply, so profoundly that it's almost impossible to explain. It's the most sacred thing I know. I can be exactly who am, I can grow and change without any pretense at all.

So I'm a bit left out. I don't care. I've learned what they call "happiness" comes from within---I don't care how trite that sounds-- and it can in the be found in difficult situations. Sometimes you gotta be cleansed by fire.(so to speak)

As far a the article itself--I found it a bit silly, a bit condesending, and a bit childish. (Christian stay at home mom's are happier than Feminist stay at home mom's--in fact they're just plain happier--so there) The authors themselves admit that defining "marital happiness isn't cut and dried" And the time of the survey is over a decade ago. Times have changed have they not? I wonder what a survey would find now?

and be assured of getting honest responses! I suspect that the pressure to conform skewed the conservatives' responses, and I don't know how to get around that. I still haven't seen any of these surveys that I considered well-designed, but the media clearly loves 'em. :eyes:

even a brief glance at this "study" reveals some obvious flaws. For one thing, I think that progressives are much more able to talk about our unhappiness than conservatives who have to think everything is great. If things are not great, they would have to change something and that, pretty much by definition, is against conservative ideals. A conservative woman would have to admit that the "traditional" role she is playing might not be everything it should be, which for her would call into question religious beliefs on top of everything else. It's easier to just tell the pollster that you're perfectly happy and go pop a valium or repress.

would fit that description. Their churches do a lot to foster bottling up emotions, holding "women's functions" where the wives are constantly reminded that their lot in life is to bear up under the load and not endanger the family harmony by complaining. If they were to open up and confess that they weren't perfectly happy, it would be with a trusted friend, certainly not a pollster. I've found that some of the conservative women I know become deeply ashamed of themselves if they let a negative comment slip by.

and the study completely overlooks the fact that most of the women in Betty Friedan's book were not feminists or progressives and they were unhappy with their limited lives inside marriage.

A woman who can afford to stay home and raise kids full time has either decided to accept a lower standard of living and is okay with it OR has a husband who earns enough that she can stay home without either her or the children suffering any economic disadvantage.

Most women who have jobs outside the home do so not only "just to get out of the house," as my pre-feminist mother would say, but because the family would fall into poverty if they didn't. Their husbands may or may not expect them to do a "second shift" at the end of the day.

I bet a lot has to do with whether the husband thinks of tending his own children as "babysitting" or cleaning the house that they both own as "helping."