I need other womens' help... my half-sister.

I'm the eldest; I have two sisters who have the same mother and father that I do; I have two half sisters who are my father's daughters by other women. There's a 17 year spread between me and the youngest. I barely know my baby half sister, who is just getting into her teens. Her mother hated my father's other children, considering us threats to our common father's affection and (more importantly) resources. When my father chose to retire, my baby sister's mother left my father. (I know she's not a baby anymore, but she's kind of stuck there for me -- she'll always be my baby sister.)

Don't get my wrong - my father's no prize. He's a right asshole with paranoid delusions and a control streak. He has a temper and he can be violent to the adult women in his life. He makes sexist, racist and just plain bigoted comments without thinking. But he has never raised a hand against my baby sister and he would give her the moon on a string if that's what she needed. He's done better by her than he has done by his older daughters, and I can forgive him a little for his utterly wretched treatment of us because at least he's tried with the baby.

I found out tonight that my baby sister smuggled a letter to the mail to my father and told him that my former step-monster (my baby-half sister's mother and my father's ex-wife) and her new husband are abusing my baby sister. It's a believable story - my sister's mother is as ill-tempered, controlling and narrow-minded as they come. I admit that I never had much in the way of a relationship with step-monster, because I was gone when she and my father hooked up. I know the kid a bit better; she's amazingly stable and well-adjusted for coming out of such a chaotic and emotionally dangerous home. So it's credible, and I need to report it (which I will do) as part of my professional duties.

The dilemma I'm having is this: Of all of the family members my baby sister has, I am the physically closest. I live about 100 miles north of where she lives. (Her mother intentionally moved her far away from our father as a means of controlling both my sister and my father.) My father's about 1000 miles away. I am also the least well suited in terms of emotional stance to be a parent. But there's no one else. My sister's other sisters are either young mothers or unable to take on a teenager; my father is ... not the greatest. My father's mother is in her 80s. His brothers are in their 60s. Of all of her family, I am the only one that is financially, emotionally and socially stable enough to take on a teenager, even for the short term. So as I fill out this reporting form, and note my relationship to my half-sister, do I check the boxes that state that as a relative, I would be able to provide short-term and/or long-term foster care?

How do I make this decision? Do I just walk away from my baby sister and leave her to whatever vicissitudes go along with being the unwanted child of two unfit parents? Or do I just do the duty that no one else could do? I don't want a child. I've never wanted a child. I don't want to be a parent. But my sister didn't ask to be born, either.

Thanks for reading. I'm so muddled. Any advice would help.

Will it mean placing her in an also untenable (albeit possibly safer than her current) situation? Obviously, you are doing the correct thing by reporting the abuse and, hopefully, the authorities will remove her immediately. You didn't mention her age. Is she old enough to have her preferences taken into consideration?

It's definitely a tough situation you're in. It's easy to say go ahead and check the boxes but taking full-time responsibility for a child, particularly a traumatized one, is a HUGE thing. And if you are doing it reluctantly, the poor thing will sense it no matter how much you try to hide it. You may want to explore what types of foster care options are available to her. Foster care gets a bad rap but there are some truly wonderful people who do it and who have experience with abused children.

Of course, whatever happens all depends on what determination is made about her current situation. I hate to say it, but don't be surprised if your sister is not taken out of her home. Caseworkers in most states are so overloaded that they often can't do thorough investigations. She's lucky to have you in her corner as I'm sure you will keep close tabs on it. Best wishes to you, regardless of your decision.

Her options are our father, who lives in Vegas; our 27 year old sister in Illinois who (besides being as sensitive as a turnip - I love her, but tact and grace she has not... this is the sister who is about to join the Foreign Service as a ... member of the diplomatic corps... ) is working on finishing up her education, raising her 5 year old son basically by herself (my BIL is ALWAYS on assignment for his company) and is considering taking a job in India or Saudi Arabia; our 23 year old sister and her husband, who are not in a position to raise a 13 year old....

Or me. Her mother's other kids are younger than my two full sisters, economically perilous, and emotionally unstable. Any of us would be better than her mother, since none of us hit and there's no emotional-sexual abuse (not physical sexual abuse, but the type that comes from inappropriate discussions and commentary).

I worked in that community for a few years, so I know that I can get the report to someone who can and will do something about it. But as you say, that doesn't mean that H. is going to end up out of her mother's hands.

The sad, ironic thing is that the best person to raise H. and the person most likely to help her turn into a functional adult is the one person who would never, ever be allowed to raise her -- my mother. My mother's highly competent when it comes to raising young, emotionally battered females, H. likes my mother and my mom genuinely likes H, even though H. is the ultimate reason my mother and my father split. (H. was born 3 days before my mother and father's divorce was final.) But since H.'s mother and my father both have wronged my mother, they have to self-justify and so despise my mother with a raging passion.

I'm wondering if you were to take in your sister, even if it's only for a short time, perhaps if your mom is nearby she could offer a good amount of support to you and your sister in the process?

because you know you can do that one. If she shows up on your doorstep, you'll sack her out on the couch, right?

If you know you're not equipped to deal with her longterm, that's a good thing. If she ends up in the worst scenario, in the foster system, you ARE equipped to watch her like a hawk, and that's a very good thing. The foster system sucks the most for kids who don't have anybody who gives enough of a shit to check up on what's happening in the foster home. You do.

People who are emotionally damaged by growing up in wildly dysfunctional family situations generally aren't the best people in the world to take on custodial arrangements. Sometimes they do and it works. Sometimes it's a failure. You're the only one who knows whether or not short term care can possibly morph into a long term committment.

In any case, your job is to forward her letter to the authorities and get her out of that situation. Your job is to keep her safe until a suitable place is found, yours or someone else's. Your job is to keep an eye on her to make sure nobody hurts her like that again.

If you choose it, your job can also be to see that she gets into therapy so she can start to heal.

There's a difference between taking on a 13 yo and a 17 yo......

How much time have you actually spent with her?

What is your relationship like now? Think how that relationship will change.

Is she a "good kid"?

Can you *be* an authority figure?

She'll need structure and consistency - can you provide that?

How will YOUR life change? $$, time, schedule, dating, work. Are you prepared to deal with that? \

How are the schools in your area?

Was she asking for help? Will she resent you for reporting it? Even abused kids don't necessarily
want to leave their homes. How would she feel about leaving behind all of her friends/school? How much *trouble* is her mom going to cause YOU for reporting it?


I'd say at least short-term - see how it goes - you can always let her stay longer if it works out.

Start with a reputable crisis line. No one of DU.com can help you get a relative out of an abusive situation, nor should they be pretending they can.

I definitely heard you when you said you did not want a child, and never wanted a child. I don't discount those feelings at all.

But, is it possible that you could take your half-sister in for a few years? At age 13, she could be almost more of a companion than a child. This is a hard age for girls, as you know. If you have a good relationship with her, giving her a stable and loving home for the next five years could go a long way to helping her mature into a responsible, functioning adult.

If she continues with her unfit parents, or god forbid, becomes a ward of the state, her future is just so much bleaker.

I may have missed this, but are you married? If so, what does your husband think? If money is a concern, perhaps you could be declared her foster parent, and be able to receive the stipend that the state pays for foster care?

You're in a tough spot, alright. I wish you luck with whatever you decide.