Weekend Report: Bush appeals to congregation, eye contact avoided

4/24/2006
Dallas Oil Examiner
Dallas, TX - Last night an inflammatory 60 Minute interview between Ed Bradley and a former top CIA official, Tyler Drumheller — a 26-year veteran of the agency aired exposing the ignored evidence and lies that led up to the Iraq War. In anticipation Karl Rove set up a preemptive strike.

President George W. Bush attended his regular church yesterday morning, the Highland Park United Methodist Church in Dallas, with his wife Laura. Though the president is usually reserved to prayer, song, and mumbling in tongues intertwined with the outbursts of "Hallelujah!", "Amen!", and "9/11!", yesterday he addressed the congregation in a nationally televised broadcast to all evangelical churches.

"Brothers, Sisters, evangelical Teximerican patriots, now that we have gone through a rousing sermon and drank the Kool-aid of Christ, it is time for me, your humble servant and savior, to respectfully ask you, the sheeple of whom I serve, to NOT WATCH TELEVISION THIS EVENING OR YOU WILL TURNED TO A PILLAR OF SALT...NO...CHANGE THAT...CRAP! YOU WILL BE TURNED TO A STINKING FLY RIDDEN PILE OF CRAP!", the people then rocked back in shock, horror, and agreement.

"Like Sodom and Gomorrah, the liberal television will be a hot bed of sin, featuring lies, sex, and violence..." The congregation then looked at each other with a 'what's new' look when the President elaborated, "There are going to be retired CIA traitors, fat jiggly ones, telling lies about me and my cabinet of future saints. I will tell you that this man is a sinner NON-TEXAN who eats troughs full of mad-cow commie Canadian beef, naked, with his gay lover Serge the illegal immigrant."

He then urged the congregation to turn on TBN tomorrow then break off the dials on their televisions, throw out their remotes, and never turn them off or they will be "left behind".

60 minutes logged exceptional ratings for its time slot. Hannity later labeled the broadcast "racist". Everyone is still trying to figure that one out.