States forced to change their official mottos to English

State governments were caught off-guard yesterday as the Senate voted to make English the official language of the United States. The sudden emergence of a single lingual standard is forcing many state Legislatures to abandon official state mottos -- inspiring phrases adopted decades ago which hardly anyone can remember and certainly no one can pronounce.

Alabama, for instance, is considering changing its Latin motto -- Audemus jura nostra defendere -- which means "Did you get that at Wal-Mart?" to the much simpler "Roll Tide!"

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South Carolina was all set to change its official Latin motto -- Dum spiro spero -- but the motion to change it was tabled after no one could remember what it meant. Ida Mae over at the state archives had written the translation down on the back of a receipt and thought she filed it under "M" but thinks now she may have thrown it out.

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Minnesota's motto is in French -- L'étoile du Nord -- and is a holdover from territorial days. Coincidentally, back then there was a whorehouse in St. Paul by that same name. The new motto will be "When the ice caps melt, we'll be beachfront property."

California's motto is from the Greek -- Eureka -- which is what Congressman Duke Cunningham said every Friday when the plain brown envelope arrived at his office. The new motto -- "You mean Paul McCartney didn't have a pre-nup?"