If you "keep a dirty house" it's ok to be beaten by your husband?

I am watching a program on PBS..called "Headwaters: Stories/Rural America".

It's about wifebeating and women's shelters.. A sheriff, just said that a guy said the reason he beat up his wife was because the house was always dirty..Of course, the sheriff sent two deputies out to 'SEE HOW DIRTY THE HOUSE WAS'..because a jury would want to know..:puke:

These two women decided to open their shelter andf has 13 beds.. Within a week they had THREE HUNDRED women begging them for a place to stay..


:(

:sarcasm: of course...

good lord..the world does need a drink. Seriously sad.

me

I claim to deplore violence but I am large, strong and well trained and I'm not sure but I think I would have hurt this man had I been a witness to this abuse.

Also: Had he been a single man the house probably would have been worse. A FAMILY is a TEAM and team-mates deserve respect.

Why didn't he get off his ass and help clean the place?

was the ridiculous part.. No Matter WHAT shape the house was in...that's no reason to beat her up.. The way he said it was to infer that "Well if the house is dirty, you kinda deserved it"..and that a jury would side with him if the house was dirty...

Of course these women profiled are dirst poor, and have less than zero self-esteem.. Most of them are fairly young, but look much older than their years..:(

It made it look like only poor women are victimized by abusive husbands and need shelters. In fact, we know that's not true. But it is probably also true that middle class women are much less likely to allow themselves to be photographed for a documentary about domestic abuse because they perceive themselves as having more to lose.

Lots of them see the nice house, the nice car, the social circle, and the reluctance to leave all that sometimes keeps them in the marriage. Sometimes it takes the husband/partner to go after a kid before the woman finally says "enough"!

It's false, but there is still a "belief" that stuf like that doesn;t happen to "nice people"..and to admit it is to admit that you are "one of them"..

and lots of "nice guys" batter their wives , using alcohol as the excuse.. The fact that alcohol abuse itself is now considered a disease, only causes more conflict. Some of these women think that once he gets the alcohol use under control, everything will be ok..and they stay..

Alcohol is the gasoline..not the car..

It may be that he had an eye to securing a conviction, and an appreciation of what actually might sway a local jury and judge. A thing like that runs far beyond a single law enforcement official, and a couple of deputies saying "Hell, it weren't that bad...." could be useful....

was 100% condescension in a "good-ole-boy" sorta way ..

at which it would be "bad enough" to warrant beating "your wife"... What year are we living in again?

The sad comment here is that he lives in a place where that makes some sort of sense.

abuse will occur in my presence without being met by physical response (remember SING?) as a counsellor to battered women for many years, i was threatened on a number of occasions, and, as I calmly explained to one, if he was, in fact, going to "beat the crap out of me", then he had better make sure he knocked me unconscious with the first hit, because otherwise, he would be a soprano the rest of his life.

I know the work you did helping battered women and their families was worth more than TEN bull necked hotheads...

BTW remind me not to pick a fight with you.

My ex-husband hit me several times and I'd defend myself, but really tried to wallop me when I caught him cheating and kicked him out. Weird, but it took the cheating to make me get him out, but it gave me the strength and courage to get him away from my little family.

So, at that point, I threw his shit on the driveway, kneed him in the balls, took our then 15-month-old son and stuck him in the car and used the tonage of Detroit steel to protect us while the asshole got his stuff and got out.

I now have full custody, the house, a new and very, very sweet, kind, handsome and loving husband and a permanent order of protection.

mine was the father of my son, who only had the cojones to punch me when I was pregnant.
Our last encounter (other than court) ended with a roll up carpet and a baseball bat. He never laid a finger on me again.

>remember SING?<

I wondered to myself if Ms. Bullock ever imagined that her demonstration of SING in "Miss Congeniality" would help any woman who needed to defend herself without martial arts training. That movie's been seen by millions of women; let's hope someone found that 30 seconds or so truly useful.

Julie

Nothing... You've already told her twice.

If you find this joke funny, you need to stop beating your wife.

Totally fucked up. I had no idea that the phrase "battered women" is only 30 years old. I did know, unfortunately, that cops and judges empower these assholes who abuse women. I felt just sick for that woman who had her kids taken away because her husband could afford a lawyer and she couldn't....so she ended up going back with him. How many times does that same sick narrative have to be repeated?

Or worse: the woman whose husband found her, went back to living with her, and ultimately killed her. There is no justice.

So when they have a domestic abuse case before them, they automatically side with the offender because he's one of them.

the woman gets mad and refuses. "I love him' "stay out of it" 'if I needed your help Id ask"

Wanted to bring it up since it has happened to me, when women friends would call me and tell me about the abuse, and then get mad at ME for calling the police, or threatening to. It becomes disheartening and after awhile, you just give up. It has happened more than I care to say.

assuming that's not the one they're wearing when they're beaten/stabbed/shot to death by their loving husband.

and her choices, no matter how much you disagree with them. It's a horrible position to be in...I've been on both sides of it. Many women are in denial about their situations, or cannot conceive of a life other than the one they're in, for reasons too many to list here.

You offer your support, try to point out the alternatives, and stand up for her no matter what she chooses. Sometimes the best way to support is to help her live in the situation she's in, as awful as you might find it. You're not in it. Hope that one day she'll be ready to take the constructive steps she needs to take to rebuild her life.

DON'T GIVE UP. Your support is recognized...but you can't make the choices for them. They have to get there on their own. It's heartbreaking to live through either way, but please, please don't give up just because *you* feel disheartened. It's not about you.

Wish I was the kind of smart together capable person who could put together a women's shelter... damn, it's God's true work.

in Bush America!!!

I watched C-Span last night with their focus on "Carter Center" where the Carters were taking questions from folks in the audience.

I was impressed by Roselyn's answers about Africa and what Carter Center was doing to build "latrines" in African Villages and he work for "Mental Health" programs where she also praised Tipper Gore..and it was a Celebration for Carter Center and I knew they have done good work in the past and are focused on small corners of poverty on the globe...and I applaud them.

BUT...Roselyn Carter revealed ONE IMPORTANT THING! She said: "My daughter and daughters-in-law DON'T (full caps mine) APPRECIATE how hard it was for MY Generation of Women to fight for Equal Rights...and I still have hope that the "Equal Rights Amendment" will pass...because I think we need it put into LAW."

Roselyn knew what we "of a certain age group know" that RIGHTS NOT GIVEN...AND RIGHTS NOT EXISTING....AND RIGHTS TAKEN AWAY...at some point CONVERGE...and when they DO...it's up to FEMALES TO RISE UP!

But...I don't see the intrest out there and neither does Rosalyn Carter...and that's so sad to see..Very SAD!

:shrug: But, as Rosalyn prefaced her comment: "Young women out there today have SO MANY OPTIONS!" (full caps emphasis mine)

"So, Many Options" didn't come "cheap" ...is my final THOUGHT on THIS....

:-(

My father never ever laid an abusive hand on my mother. Never even talked down to her or tried to make her feel small or powerless. So when my ex started abusing me, I literally had no idea how to deal with it. I had never even heard of such a thing. I was very ashamed because I couldn't get him to stop, I thought it was my responsibility to help him through it. Jeebers.

This "dirty house" excuse reminds me of the time he put a knife at my throat and said, "Clean up the bathroom, bitch!" Then he stood over me with the knife while I cleaned the bathroom until he was satisfied with how good it looked. That wasn't nearly as bad as the time he aimed a loaded shotgun at me. Holy terror. How did I ever live through that marriage, I don't know.

Finally I caught him with somebody else, thank God, because at that time infidelity was a clearcut reason to get a divorce. I was gone faster than you can say, "Bye-bye, bastard."

When we split up, he got another girlfriend. Shortly after, he beat her up so badly she ended up in the hospital. What a creep.

:hug:

:hug:

day after marriage, we are flying home. he had the tickets, alll control of the gates and times. os i was constantly asking, where are we flying out from, when are we flying out. he got frustrated with me, and grabbed on(not hurting, but forceful) and turned me to look at the flight board behind me. i turned around, looked him in hte eye for a minute. i didnt talk to him for up to four hours after that. not a word. silent

he never did the male force intimidation i man you woman thing and has been 11 years.

was like after married, he tried on the suit. i was ready to walk

i had a father that never did anything to my mother. i was a confident and older female on my own for years. and there wasnt a chance in hell i would live in a situation where any man figured he has any authority over me

the woman isnt powerless in this. the man always tests out to see how far he can go. by the time he starts hitting, a woman has allowed so much

it isnt blaming the woman, but it is empowering woman, taking them out of the victim role. there are things women fail to do for a number of reasons. they dont have confidence, they are afraid, they feel victim, they grew up in a family that had this and thinks it is how it is. many reason. not blaming women. let me say it agian. lol

My ex and I never had a cross word until shortly in our marriage. He responded by kicking me in the stomach. I guess he was tired by that time of playing the good guy and his nature came out.

In fact, he never raised his voice at me, ever. It was always threats with weapons, shoving, kicking, hitting me with objects, choking, and hitting me with his fist a couple times.

I won't even let someone grab me by the arm now. I don't go ballistic, but in my mind they're written off. I just won't play that game again of trying to "help" someone. Keep in mind that in my first marriage, I had just turned 18, I had 3 brothers, and had never witnessed abuse of any kind against a woman. It was quite a shock and I had no reference point to figure out what was going on. Since I was married, and an "adult," this was a situation that I thought I had to resolve on my own.

Think about it. Would you go on a second date with a guy who roughed you up or even displayed controlling behavior? Probably not. Often they couch their controlling behavior in loving and concerned terms. How many women have heard these phrases:

"I love you so much that I'd kill any guy who so much as looks at you."
"Don't worry about money, honey. I'll take care of everything. It's my job."
"That sister of yours never liked me. She's got it in for me. You're my wife now."
"I just want to be with you all the time. I don't need friends. You're all I need. Why would you rather hang out with your girlfriends than hang out with me?"

It takes on myriad and subtle forms in the early stages--so much so that you don't even know it's happening. It's your classic slippery slope. It's the answer to the question so many people ask: how can an intelligent woman wind up in a situation like that? Answer: it's easy because it doesn't happen all at once. They prey on your weakness, and they are weak themselves. Every act of jealousy, every "protection" means "he loves me" in the mind of a woman with shaky self-esteem. By the time she figures out that it doesn't mean anything like that, it's too late: he's beating her up, either physically, psychologically--usually both.

From the school of "been there, done that" and woke up scratching my head wondering how my husband could have broken 3 of my ribs and I didn't see it coming.

my post was not about defending. both posts here reinforces exactly what i am saying. yet you argue it in a position of powerlessness

i said my own experience day after ring went on

post above, soon after married
your post, do you think they would do in courtin

of course not. just as i said

yes all those comments are said. right there is the clue in to loss of power. you say no way i had a clue. if man said these things, which is common, would clue me in, before the kick in the stomach

NOT blaming you

a lesson. you clearly know what control feels like now and would not allow it. you didnt before. sheeeeiiiit i hear it in men all over the place, the country club,... bosses, fellow employees. experience allows us to recognize

and to state that no woman would willingly/knowingly walk into this situation. ya? uh huh. but for diffferent reasons. because they think they deserve it. because (many women feel this) they think they can change the man. cant change man, only self. because it is financially secure. what woman would allow a man to say, baby i will take care of you financially. a s if that is a condition in marriage. my line was, .... i can take care of myself, i am not gonna take care of you. so, he had better be able to take care of hisself.

if any woman married, answering yes to the question of being taken care of, unconsciously she allowed herself to be controlled

this isnt about blame. just the male/female dance we have been doing from the beginning of time

I take your point about power. But you have to believe you have power before you can use it. I look at my situation 10 years ago, having been told for the previous 12 years that I am too stupid to hold a job (I am Phi Beta Kappa) or need to be institutionalized because I am "crazy," and I can assure you that I would have laughed at you if you had suggested I had any power in that relationship. If I didn't believe I deserved abuse before, I sure did believe it by then. Coming to your own personal power is a difficult journey, and you have to be ready for it. Nobody can do it for you.


I'm just saying that it's not just weak or insecure women who can be abused. It can happen to anyone. ANYONE.

Peace to you.

bad cooking is another reason

and giving your husband "that look"

and being too slow getting him a beer

and making noise during the football game

and not being nice enough to his friends

and wearing that one outfit that he doesn't like

and taking too long to get ready to go out

and talking on the phone too much

and being friends with that one bitch he can't stand

and not wanting sex or wanting it when he can't

and, well, I think you get it

:puke: is right

bastards

for not keeping a cleaner house?

(There is a reason we don't have a Marble Rolling Pin.)