A skeptical look at the modern wedding ritual

Queen for a Day

Neil Shister

As far as contemporary spectacle goes, can anything compare with a wedding? More than a mere civil or religious event, the day represents the confirmation (or sometimes, the repudiation) of a contract--not between the marrying couple, as one might first think, but between the bride, her parents, (to a lesser degree) the groom's family, and their social aspiration. Of course, in a society officially dedicated to egalitarianism, social ambition can't be too readily admitted. Instead, it calls for a language of fantasy, as a reading of some key sources of wedding wisdom shows.

"A wedding is a couple's day of days," proclaims the latest edition of Emily Post, raising the bar of expectation up to the stratosphere. You can hear this same allegiance to make-believe in the voice of the new editor of Modern Bride. In her inaugural column she announces that her editorial mission is to help readers replicate her experience of perfection: "I really did have the wedding of my dreams, the wedding that had been floating around my head for years before I met my husband."

There are, to be sure, dissenting views. Thus Miss Manners, the Washington Post's mistress of nouvelle etiquette: "Few of those who prattle about the 'happiest day' seem to consider the dour expectations this suggests about the marriage from its second day on. . . . At any rate, someone whose idea of ultimate happiness is a day spent at a big party, even spent being the center of attention at a marvelous big party, is too young to get married."

Unlike her colleagues, Miss Manners thinks that a few reminders of reality can bring some sanity to the proceedings (after all, 50 percent of first marriages will dissolve). But such reservations barely qualify the dominant message pumped out by the popular culture: that the wedding day is the moment for "once in a lifetime" grandeur. Caution gets lost, overwhelmed by the deluge of luxuriant images (mostly advertisements) such as those crammed into the 900-plus-page June "Special Planning Issue" of Brides Magazine.

More: http://www.bostonreview.net/BR23.5/Shister.html

Suffocated by mirrors, stained by dreams
Her honey belly pulls the seams
Curves are still upon the hinge
Pale zeros tinge the tiger skin

Moist as grass, ripe and heavy as the night
The sponge is full, well out of sight
All around the conversations
Icing on the warm flesh cake

Light creeps through her secret tunnels
Sucked into the open spaces
Burning out in sudden flashes
Draining blood from well-fed faces

Desires form in subtle whispers
Flex the muscles in denial
Up and down its pristine cage
So the music, so the trial

Vows of sacrifice, headless chickens
Dance in circles, they the blessed
Man and wife, undressed by all
Their grafted trunks in heat possessed

Even as the soft skins tingle
They mingle with the homeless mother
Who loves the day but lives another
That once was hers

The worried father, long lost lover
Brushes ashes with his broom
Rehearses jokes to fly and hover
Bursting over the bride and groom

And the talk goes on

Memories crash on tireless waves
The lifeguards whom the winter saves

Silence falls the guillotine
All the doors are shut
Nervous hands grip tight the knife
In the darkness, till the cake is cut
Passed around, in little pieces
The body and the flesh
The family and the fishing-net
And another in the mesh

The body and the flesh

(...and I'm happily married, BTW.)

Quakers know how to marry and bury.

The Silent Meeting - Vows/Exchange of Rings

Typical Quaker worship services are conducted without a minister or any vocal leader. Instead, the congregation gathers to worship in complete silence. During worship service, only if you are moved by the Spirit to do so, you may add to the service by standing and offering inspired observations, prayers, or songs.

A wedding ceremony, which is conducted the same as a Meeting for Worship, is no different. When they feel the time is right in the silent service, the bride and groom rise and give their vows to one another. They take each other's hands, and can either say their own words or borrow from these traditional Quaker vows:

"In the presence of God and these our family and friends, I take thee (bride/groom name) to be my wife/husband, promising with divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful wife/husband, so long as we both shall live."

Traditionally, Quakers did not exchange rings, but today many couples participate in this custom.

http://www.weddinggazette.com/content/003179.shtml

We had a nice lefty rabbi from Berkeley who was pretty cool.

Thanks for sharing that.:)

in silence, gathered for the day.

We've had several weddings here at our Meeting and they are truly restful, wonderful things. However, before a Meeting will marry you, you have to attend a session of a committee for oversight of marriage...both singly and together...before the Meeting will allow you marry there.

extravaganzas? My gut is telling me they went over the edge in the 80's. My folks (married 1947) had a service in their church, a reception in the hall attached to the church, then drove down to Florida for a honeymoon. I think this was the norm in postwar US. Maybe the G.I.'s were just anxious to get on with the business of living life, I don't know.

I've got a book by Marcia Seligson, The Eternal Bliss Machine, that hilariously depicts the wretched excess of weddings in the United States. It was published in the early '70s. The only thing dated about it is the author's belief, expressed in the last chapter, that the "younger generation" was on the verge of rebelling against this insanity, and the simplicity of "hippie weddings" would soon become the norm. If only... :eyes:

We should've. I'm never going through that horrifying mess again. Everyone was all concerned about the dumbest crap, spending the insane money on the dumbest crap (pew bows?!), and mostly just posturing for social standing's sake. I wish I had been strong enough to fight for my dream wedding--in a small chapel on a dune overlooking Lake Michigan that could only seat up to forty people. *sigh* That would have been perfect, but oh no, everyone else wanted me to have the big church wedding so they could prove just how wonderful they were.

Can you tell I'm still angry about it? ;)

We were young and dumb and spent about $100 on ours 20 years ago.

One friend made the cake.

One friend took pictures.

My dress was from a secondhand shop - $18

Flowers from family gardens

Rings - $30 (cause the shop owner liked us)

no church - we did it on a hill beside a log cabin in the Rocky Mountains

Pastor was an Uncle, no cost there.

It was beautiful, and much better than any fancy overpriced wedding I've ever been to.

Oh yea, and it was bring your own booze for the reception. :D

oldest daughter's wedding a couple years ago...and he's not wealthy. :eyes: :puke:

madness!!

and at times is just hysterically funny.

" If 'x' number of people give $50.00, it will mean we can buy..."

" If 'x' number of people give $100.00, it will mean we can buy..."

etc...

<speechless>

How unromantic...

I remember kids in school telling special friends, "I want you to be my bridesmaid." A wedding was the crowning glory of a girl's life. No one thought past the festivities. I'm in the South now, and it doesn't seem as though any of that has changed. It's all about the party, and the expectations are high.

If I were young and getting married today, I'd opt for civil ceremony, in Europe, maybe.

room by her Democratic county commissioner in January with only family present. We had our honeymoon in April and our reception in June (how's that for making a party last for a long time - LOL).

I never felt pressured by my family or friends to hold a huge wedding.

With all the pressure and focus on stupid details of the ceremony, I wonder if the main point of the whole thing is not getting lost... And the couple finds itself following an empty script somebody else wrote for them, mostly...

I'm often called upon to typeset wedding invitations for a print shop, and can't believe how elaborate some of these weddings are in this town. Sometimes they even include children as a miniature bride and groom. This doesn't seem to extend to the honeymoons, though. Often, they'll go to Gatlinburg or someplace nearby.

I have attended too many weddings where the objective seemed to be to turn a young woman into a fairy princess. Her intended was secondary, if he counted at all. The more histrionic the wedding, the faster the union dissolves, is my observation.

I enjoy watching Judge Judy rule on cases involving dashed dream weddings. The plaintiff is always the bride, sometimes including the groom, often accompanied by teary mothers as they carp about receptions ruined by bad side dishes, and wedding gown alterations not delivered till the morning of the ceremony. No matter in whose favor she rules, Judy always delivers the same advice: "So your wedding wasn't perfect. Get over it! Life is short! Go home and have a happy life!"

I'm observing one unfolding involving some Republican colleague... The preparations, that is... So pathetic and wasteful... Then they the couple is going to go on their much advertised honey moon and gain another 20 pounds each... Yuck...

you are so right. There is a direct relationship between how overblown the ceremony is and how quickly the marriage ends. I've joked for years that my plain little Presbyterian wedding with its lack of drama and spectacle may not have been showy, but damn, those weddings take. They're ironclad. We're on our 28th year of marriage.
Seriously, you're right about the wedding culture being sick. It sets up women, in particular, for a totally unrealistic idea of marriage. It's not about being the center of attention and getting expensive gifts. It's about a partnership.
The money people spend is their business. Lots of jobs depend on this wedding culture. But it does concern me if young people are saddling themselves with ruinous debt at the start of their life together.
I guess it's the bride's little foray into show business. Her day to walk the red carpet while the photographers snap photos and all eyes are on her.
I'm just saying my drab little wedding - one bridesmaid, a couple of those horrible impossible to sing hymns, five minutes of fatherly advice from the minister, and bam, we're done. Now, just try to get out of that sucker. Can't be done.
Bland but binding.
(horrors. I bought my dress off the rack. It's been worn as a Halloween costume more than once.)

It was quite the spectacle. I couldn't even count the number of attendants, but it seemed like a small army. Every moment was scripted and photographed and video-ed for posterity. I can't even imagine what the price tag was and I don't want to.

But, a poor schmuck like me made $250 in tips for one night's work, so while I think it's ridiculous in the extreme, it keeps a roof over my head that my Monday thru Friday, 9-5 job can't do on its own.

One reason would be to get more gifts, but, I can't imagine all the extra gifts would make up for the extra cost. Why have so many attendees? A large crowd of attendees seems to be a status symbol.

MandateMyAss: apparently it works out fine for you.

well enough to want them to share their wedding day? Many guests at weddings that size are business associates and their dates, distant relatives, and friends of the parents. I'll bet many of the brides and grooms have never even met many of their guests.

This point was driven home to me some years ago when I travelled 3000 miles with my mother to attend the wedding of a cousin on the East coast. It was a huge blow-out. The bride and groom never even came around to greet anybody at the reception. A year later I returned for a bridal shower in honor of another cousin I am much closer to. At that shower I was finally introduced to my cousin's new wife, who had no idea I had been to her wedding. It was embarrassing.

I only have one child, and, when the time comes, she can have any kind of wedding she wants, but I hope she'll keep it small and intimate - a day to share with close friends and family. Anything else is superfluous.

Your post is excellent, and I will bookmark it for myself, not only because it was well written, but, because it was a good message!

Every summer someone posts a "What should I do?" thread about a conflict between attending a game and going to a wedding. I love football but I am in the "go to the wedding if you want to stay friends" camp. There is always some pious grandstanding bastard who takes the football fans to task for even thinking about suggesting missing a wedding they're invited to.
I got to thinking about this one day and it occurred to me. To women, their wedding is what football is to men, only more intense. The wedding is a man's lifetime of following say, the Georgia Bulldogs, crammed into one day (well, there is the planning).
And I say it is just as unrealistic and destructive and just as much a loss of priorities as any Joe Six Pack's football habit. It is not exaggeration to say that there are millions of women whose weddings are far more important to them than their marriages. The bridal industry is one of the thriving sectors of our economy whose disappearance would benefit the "American family" people set so much store by. I can recall the last wedding I went to last year. The bride's mother, absolutely one of the finest people I know, so lost her shit on the day of the wedding that she told everyone in her family (her husband as well as the bride) that she had had it, she wasn't going to the wedding...which was taking place at her home. Yeeesh. Let's come back to sanity, please.

Long, traditional Catholic ceremony. Drawn out reception, with several sappy, long winded speeches that we were obliged to pay attention to.
I barely knew the couple, which lowered my interest from the start. After 4+ hours, they still hadn't even cut the cake. I couldn't handle any more boredom.

I had never before met the bride, but she seemed like one of those young women who think their wedding day is the pinnacle event of their life. She probably proposed to him! She did look lovely, though. But seriously, how many hours does an acquaintance need to revel in the glory of a newlywed couple?

PS: before anyone asks "why did you go, then?" I was asked to go, to keep someone company.

At least in women who are my age (end of Baby Boomer/beginning of GenX). There's something that happens to women when their daughters become engaged. They turn into Mother of the Bride-zilla. Even if a young woman is accomplished, professional, and "liberated", the mother insists on "tradition" and doing what's proper. It's not just my mother, either. I saw this happening to younger collegues and relatives of both genders. My co-worker just got married this weekend, and he was sharing with me his "future mother-in-law" stories.

For my wedding 12 years ago, we pushed our own personalities into it as much as we could. Of course, it helps if you have crazy friends who bring "The Time Warp" for the DJ to play. Totally blew my mother's proper little mind, but we had FUN at the reception. Afterwards (because it was a daytime wedding), we went back to our condo with friends, got drunk, and watched "Rocky Horror Picture Show". :D

If we had it to do over, I'd go to Vegas and get married at the Star Trek Experience, or the wedding chapel at the Luxor or Caesar's. Heck, we even threated to elope and get married by an Elvis impersonator!

We tried to save money in doing it, too. I found a local place that rented bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses, which REALLY helped us out. My whole outfit cost $250, and I didn't have to clean it or store it. When people asked why I didn't want to save my wedding dress, I told them that if I ever had a daughter, I'm sure she'd want to wear a dress with her own style, not mine.

ago. I highly recommend it. It was planned in two days, and cost less than most engagement rings.

were still paying for when the divorce papers were signed a year or two later.

The whole idea of a big wedding - from the frou frou invitations to the designer dress to the cocktail hour, professional photographer and videographer, lavish spread, "chicken dance," and multi-tiered cake - serves very little purpose other than to separate people from their money.

The wedding is one day. The marriage is (theoretically) for a lifetime.

Once the last drunk guest has staggered out the door and the bar tab has been settled, its just the bride and groom navigating the turbulent waters of marriage and ultimately makes no difference whether they spent $50.00 or $50,000.

starring Bette Davis, Ernest Borgnine, and Debbie Reynolds. The daughter wants a simple wedding, but her mother wants a huge affair to impress her friends and relatives. Borgnine, the father, is a cab driver who really can't afford it.

:)

Very contentious. Borgnine is saving up for a medallion for his taxi. Bette Davis is dead set on that big wedding. The bride just wants to elope.

In fact most of them are going to end in divorce.

The celebration should be switched. Have bigger and bigger anniversary parties for the longer the marriage lasts.

But at the beginning? It should be considered experimental.

Almost in the hope that a huge ceremony will create such a powerful memory that the marriage is gonna sail smoothly for the next 30 years without any effort... Fools! :)

..and that makes me too young to marry, then I'll never marry. :)