It's on a tuesday...

So there I was again out on my front lawn minding my own business and out marches my neo-con fundie neighbor Phil. Generally, Phil is a good guy. He is though, very uptight and humorless in that fundie sort of way.

Anyway, he marches right up to me and states clearly, "you can have my car".

Momentarily, shocked by Phil's bizarre and quite sudden sense of generosity, I said, "come again?"

Phil gazes off philosophically, "yup, you can have it. It's all yours. In fact, you can have anything I own"

I was reeling, had my normally selfish neighbor, the one who stated that people on welfare really aren't poor and in need, is suddenly having a real awakening? or was it a long delayed aneurysm? Or perhaps and more likely, it was in desperate need of repair and just wanted to unload it on me.

"well, Phil", I began, "What is sparking this sudden generosity?"

Phil looked me straight in the eye. "We are being called to God...next tuesday".

Suddenly, the image of a bumper sticker on the back of Phil's behemoth of an SUV shot through my mind, "Caution: in case of rapture, this car will be empty"

"Tuesday. ahhh, I see, well Phil, given that you are such the holy roller and are more than certain to be one of the first on the elevator to cloud land, can I get your word in writing?" I eyed him plainly.

For the briefest of nano-seconds, I saw doubt pass before Phil's eyes. He stammered, "well, I, um, sure.." His eyes darted about.

"Because, you know Phil, with your limitless faith in God, and your more than assured spot among the truly chosen, you should have no problem signing it all over to me", my comment hung in the air like a dung ball. I could see Phil's mind trying like all hell to figure a way out.

"Devil!" Phil Squawked.

I raised my eye brows, "pardon?"

"Lucifer!!" Phil screamed.

"Oh Phil, You hurt me, I lent you my edger." I replied.

Phil looked at the sky, "you are testing me!" then back at me, "Beelzebub!" Phil foamed.

Phil then screamed at the sky and stormed off. I continued watering my grass.

I thought about all of Phil's pent up behavior over the frustration of believing in something so much, that quite literally, he has defined it so his life depended on it.

Like most fundies appalled at "America's moral decent into hell", rather than take stock in life and love those around then and live the word of God, they instead choose to give everyone and everything lip service about burning in hell, because it's the easy in that self righteous way. Actually, working up a sweat and actually communicating to someone that is 1) a different color or heaven forbid 2) of a different religion and 3) may have a different opinion, would require them to go beyond themselves and experience what life is really all about. As a result anyone outside their realm of reality is looked upon as a none believer. It's just easy that way for them.

So come next Wednesday, when Phil gets home from work, I won't poke him in the side with a "what happened to the rapture" type of comment. That's to obvious.

I'll just causally look over at him and say, "nice car". He'll get the point.

omg monitor needs cleaning.

hahahaha

I nearly spewed water on my computer laughing when I got to this part:
"Devil!" Phil Squawked.

I raised my eye brows, "pardon?"

"Lucifer!!" Phil screamed.

"Oh Phil, You hurt me, I lent you my edger." I replied.


You get a blue ribbon for thinking fast on your feet! :evilgrin:

God's Clock is Ticking
Look for Jesus' Return

Right here in Tiburon, on the Bay.

I just cannot believe these people are smart enough to even drive.

Hilarious and an unusual find in them thar parts.

:rofl: "Beelzebub!" Phil foamed. :rofl:

It does sort of make you wonder if there's going to be a few Jamestown news stories in the near future though.

Jamestown or Jonestown? Both kind of fit the rapture crowd.

-Hoot

of the world, I heartily share your skepticism.

One wonders when Phil will have had enough.

Perhaps getting the spare key from him on Tuesday morning might be your next best tactic. Find out what happens when you make the very reasonable request. Ask to see the paperwork, wouldn't want to get stopped by the cops.

You can milk this one a LOT.

I love it.

Not all of em are going, you know. There are a mere 500,000 in the Remnant, as predicted. There are millions of these Raptureclones. No wonder they're afraid. They may not be of the "True Faith" when God's finger comes down.

I never have experienced it so vividly before.

Thank you.

That was WONDERFUL! and it made my day. Just what I needed to temporarily forget about my MIL, niece's wedding planning, etc.

Ya know, these are the kind of 'followers' that show up in some people's near-death experiences eating their own in the pits of hell. They are truly a scary bunch here, but imagine what they'll be like when they find out that living and practicing christ-like love for their fellowman was what it was all about - not just talking big, judging and condemning people based on their looks/beliefs. All I can say are "Paybacks are a bitch!"

Come next Wednesday, when you "causally look over at him and say, 'nice car'" add, "Hey, I hear a lot of homeless people went missing yesterday. Weird, huh?"

Yes, I am sometimes an evil, vindictive bitch.

:evilgrin:

"Have you seen _______? He's been gone since yesterday ..."

:thumbsup:

...good one...

"And my weed dealer isn't answering his pager anymore!!!!"

a statement form (like the popular "Karma tickets") so we can print them out--every time you see a bumper sticker with Fundie spew on it, whip out a form and ask them to sign their stuff over to you when they're raptured. Fun guerilla theater!

Excellent.

BTW, a minor quibble. In second to last paragraph, "That's to obvious." should be "That's too obvious." Easy mistake to make.

Since he believes so much that he's going to be Raptured ... I mean, he's being tested by God, right?

So, Wednesday comes, he's standing on his lawn since whenever, tell him that you'll loan him YOUR SUV ...

:rofl:

you get your edger back on Wednesday?

Hilarious. Thank you so much, we all needed this. Your banter is brilliant.

I agree with a poster above, send your wife over on Wednesday asking if they have seen you.

I have long had a desire to fill about 50 blow up dolls with helium and release them outside the closest fundie church windows during their meeting.

K&R

:toast: :bounce: :toast: :thumbsup:

Nice snappy comeback!
:applause:

seem to posses a sense of humor and walk around with dour expressions in that Puritanical stoic sort of way. Like the couple in that Grant Woods painting American Gothic.

Maybe he can get an oil change over the weekend, too....:evilgrin:

about oil changes etc. Make sure he's maintaining it properly. :evilgrin:

I would hope that if there is a God, and I suspect there might be but am not really sure because he/she/it seems to generally keep out of my day-to-day affairs, that God would encourage skepticism and questioning, and the free use of the gifts I've been given.

This guy sounds the the antithesis of that, and I just don't get it; why, if you've been consistently led down the primrose path would you adhere to a faith that emperically qualifies as questionable at best?

Beelzebub, he called you? I'd have just laughed, and laughed and laughed right in his face...maybe pulled an Elaine Bennis with my index fingers posed on my forhead as horns.

There seems to be a prohibition against mocking somebody's faith...I don't get that, either - particularly when it's kind of goofy on it's face.

is defended to the bitter end.:toast:

They've never given me a specific date like Phil did, just
"real soon". I ask them if, when they're raptured I can
have their house and belongings, and could we go make it
legal. They hem and haw and aren't too sure about their
faith at that point.

This reminds me of a flyer I made for our North Texas
Skeptics Mythmas bash in 1999. I put on it, "It's the
end of the world! Can I have your car?"

When the rapture comes, can I have your iPod?

That's good. I'll have to remember it!

www.cafepress.com/democatic

I gotta get a dozen of those to hand out.

K&R

if I believed in a god...I would never be so arrogant as to believe that I would be personally selected by Him/Her for some supernatural event.....what a bunch of Asshats...sorry, but if I knew this guy I'd be ruthless next week .................when he's still pulling weeds in his yard......

I fricking laughed out loud for a good five minutes. You are brilliant.

Phil looked at the sky, "you are testing me!" then back at me, "Beelzebub!" Phil foamed

Mr Z would like to say that if he doesn't sign over the car then your dear friend Phil has failed the test.





:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

As it stands now, though, I think he's investing in a lot of real estate and stocks and bonds.

Excellent story, Javaman. The only thing missing was "Gargoyles!" :)

What really annoys me about people like that is that they honestly expect that it's going to happen IN THEIR LIFETIME. I saw a poll of people here in america, something like 40 or 50 percent thought that the rapture was going to happen in their lifetime.
It's been 2000 years. It hasn't happened yet. What makes you so *&%ing special that god would make it happen just in time for you to see it? You think his ENTIRE plan is about just you and no one else, it was all planned just right so that you would be there for the rapture?
Seriously, how ARROGANT is that. To expect God to be there at your beck and call. Bad enough that they spent their time praying for things to help them out, they expect the entire world to end in their lifetime. Just to suit them.

Bumper sticker I saw in Alabama some years ago.

I know I'll be here, but I wonder about some of the other DUers ...

And I too will be here next Wednesday, so let us know. The advice to have your wife go over and ask Phil if he's seen you is excellent.
dumpbush

Very funny. You write well.

and sees your clothes scattered next to your garden hose, and you nowhere in sight... :evilgrin:

Loved it. :thumbsup:

everyone else. The key is that something bad is going to happen to us, and something good is going to happen to them.

this post killed me!

I can't imagine having a neighbor like that. LMAO at your response to him. :applause: :rofl:

Put some of your, and your families clothes in the drive way, just like you vanished and left your clothes behind.....shoes, socks and all....lol

to one of our more fundy dorm-mates.

Left clothes in "just worn" positions on chairs, beds, couches, toilet seats, etc. Left phones off the hook, irons plugged in, hair blowers running. Left records playing, electric typewriters switched on, showers and sinks running. Then we all ditched and left everything for his return from class.

He didn't talk to us for days.

:rofl:

I had a very weird run in with a fundie yesterday. I walked into a store which was stocked with wild animal figures which my kid absolutely loves. The guy keep wanting me to take the tour of the place which was decked out like the ark and a giant tribute to moses and all I wanted to do was buy a plastic animal for my kid and get the hell out of there. I was so creeped out my skin was literally crawling! No lie! We left without spending a dime-thank "gawd"!

My only regret is that I didn't ask the nutjob if he was rapture ready! :evilgrin:

I'm wondering if Phil made the trip last night, and how you are enjoying his car and all his goodies.
Or has Phil merely imploded and figured that maybe.. just maybe.. he has been scammed by those he believed in?
Like I say., just wonderin'?

:popcorn: :think:

you'll miss out on, tormenting him like that. :rofl: