My column about the "five freedoms" story

This won't be published until tomorrow because my weekly newspaper column runs on Thursdays, but I thought some of you might enjoy an advance peek. Feedback appreciated! Once published, as usual, the column will be online. Last week's column (and previous ones) can be found here:
www.cumberlink.com/articles/2006/03/01/editorial/rich_lewis/lewis01.txt

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Don't you get tired of people telling you how uniformed and uneducated we Americans are?
Oh no, 76 percent of high school students think you can write to Abraham Lincoln at his Gettysburg address!
Oh my, 87 percent of American college students think Paris is the capital of Hilton!
Stuff like that.
The latest in this endless string of gripes about our collective ignorance was in the headlines just yesterday. The McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum in Chicago released a study showing that 52 percent of Americans can name "at least two members of 'The Simpsons' cartoon family" but only 28 percent can name two of "the five fundamental freedoms granted to them by the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution."
The museum glumly reported that 22 percent of Americans can name all five members of the Simpson family while only one-tenth of one percent can name all five of the freedoms.
Ok, so when they got a phone call out of the blue asking them to name the five freedoms -- speech, religion, press, assembly and petition -- only 28 percent of Americans could remember two of them. You've probably exercised all five of those rights in the past year and knew darn well nobody could stop you because "they're in the Constitution." Somewhere in there.
And yes, 45 percent said the right to own a gun was guaranteed by the First Amendment. Actually, it's the Second Amendment, but on the bright side, that's only off by one.
And sure, 21 percent said the right "to own and raise pets" is in the First Amendment, and 17 percent said the right "to drive a car" is in there. If they aren't, they should be because Fido and the Ford as just as American as the flag.
But what grinds my gears isn't the suggestion that the country is falling apart because the citizenry got a D on a pop quiz in civics.
No, what ticks me off is the suggestion that we should be ashamed of knowing so much about "The Simpsons."
In fact, the headline on this study shouldn't have been: "Ignorance of First Amendment spells doom for America."
It should have been: "Knowledge of cartoon show proves America on right track."
Because those who watch "The Simpsons" are far better citizens -- and human beings -- than those eggheads who could win a few bucks on "Jeopardy" by cleaning up on the "Obscure Facts about the First Amendment" category.
No matter what the topic -- politics, economics, religion, relationships -- if you want the skinny, the Simpsons have it. For 17 years, Homer, Bart, Marge, Lisa, and all the other Simpson characters from Mayor Quigley to Mr. Burns to Ned Flanders have unerringly revealed the truths and consequences of American life. You have the right to speak and assemble, and that's important -- but the beating heart of American life is all about D'oh! and donuts.
In fact, "D'oh" -- Homer's trademark expletive and the ultimate expression of the esteemed American tradition of achieving enlightenment through blockheaded error -- is now enshrined in the Oxford English Dictionary.
How important is "The Simpsons"? Well, in 1998, Time Magazine TV critic James Poniewozik named it "the best TV show ever" in the magazine's roundup of the greatest artworks of the 20th century.
And if the Freedom Museum thinks it's important for us to grasp basic political and civic principles, well, as Poniewozik wrote, the political lessons in the show are "both timeless and au courant," not just "the comics" but also "the news."
The show has had a huge influence on popular culture because it evenhandedly exposes the highminded and the hypocritical in the way we actually live -- skewering the behaviors of those on the left, right, middle and the inside-out.
Jonah Goldberg, editor of the conservative National Review, says "The Simpsons" is "possibly the most intelligent, funny, and even politically satisfying TV show ever" because its satire "spares nothing and no one."
The show regularly rips America's consumerist gluttony (those donuts), but also mocks the self-righteous abstainers, such as when Lisa encounters a pompous "level 5 vegan" who won't eat "anything that casts a shadow."
Having the First Amendment right to practice your religion is certainly important, but remembering that your religion is one of many may require a little needling now and then, and the show gives it to Catholics, Jews, Unitarians and every other religion, right down to Pastor Timothy Lovejoy of the Springfield Community Church, who is described as "a pan-denominational windbag."
While American media fret about poking fun at ethnic issues, "The Simpsons" regularly visits with Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, the Indian manager of the local Kwik-E-Mart, portrayed, as Goldberg notes "with his outrageously stereotyped accent, religious oddities, bullet scars, and unapologetic price gouging."
"I love this land," Apu declares, "where I have the freedom to say, and to think, and to charge whatever I want!"
Now that's my America, freedoms included.
You feel bad that you can't name the five freedoms in the First Amendment? Well, maybe you should, a little. At least keep them on a card in your wallet in case some pollster calls you up someday.
But feel bad that you can name the five Simpsons? No way, dude, and I have only one thing to say to anyone who suggests otherwise.
Eat my shorts.

Rich Lewis' e-mail address is rlcolumn@comcast.net

personally, I've never watched it, nor am I interested in watching it. I do wish that more people were interested in our government and learning about the important issues effecting our nation and the world. I guess that's because the Simpsons will never lie us into war, but they may lull us into passivity when it comes to doing anything about what is going on in our country and the world.

You're the only one so far and I appreciate that. I don't think "The Simpsons" will lull anyone into passivity -- maybe nibble at their consciences a little, which can't hurt.

because your argument was good-and I'm sure would have been more compelling for me if I watched the cartoon show you talked about.

its your writers, and especially two of them - stevie king and kurt vonnegut - who have routinely and repeatedly explored the values, principles, and grassroot struggles of the american individual through their stories. without even visiting the unites states once, i have a decent grasp of moments from american history such as the civil rights movement, the depression, the rockefeller age of white-gloved capitalists, and the genocide of native americans. all thanks to the wonderful writers the country has given us. i would also add twain, stephen crane, and henry miller to that club.
its an amazing place, america is. someday i would like to visit it.