Upclose: McClellan reveals true passions- lying operatically, dog grooming

April, 20, 2006
Texas Landcrab Dispatch
Walmart, TX - In an intimate interview with former Press Secretary Scott McClellan he revealed his plans for after his retirement. Along with moving back to his home town, now named after the only remaining business, he has decided to combine his two passions; telling lies in opera form and making mutts look like pure breeds.

"I was never much of a singer until that fateful night in 1999 when I was invited to a PNAC meeting in a large chamber hidden deep under 'K' street. After they had removed my testicles with a curvy golden ritual knife and offered them up to their ultimate lord Rev. Sun Myung Moon, I found that my singing voice had turned to a velvety alto/low soprano that could hypnotize and lull any low IQ individual into believing anything I sang. Often times I'd find squirrels, raccoons, and freepers gathered outside of my bathroom window after I get done singing in the shower in the morning. It's so cute!"

"As for my passion for dog grooming, it has been a lifelong thing for me. I guess I'm just a natural. And since my first job at the White House as Deputy Press Secretary is really just a glorified hair dresser, I was a natural fit. The first trick to a healthy coat is diet, so I immediately altered the food that President Bush consumed to give his hair the High Pro Glow. Off the record, the trick is chicken livers, vitamin C, mixed with hard food...shhhhhh."

Mr. McClellan is expecting to open his own business, 'Scotty's Doggy Style' where his only advertising will be his voice booming from the open window.

:rofl: