A friend of mine who'd been raped just called me-- I need advice!!!

About two hours ago (that's around 2:30 a.m.), I received a phone call from a friend of mine. This friend is a gay man in his early 20's and is currently in grad school... He has a quirky personality, so it didn't surprise me that he'd be calling me that early in the morning. It even sounded like he was drunk, so I assumed he'd been out at a bar and accidentally hit my number on his cellphone.

But instead, the first thing he said to me, in his intoxicated state, was that he'd been "talking with a girl named Lanetta about rape, and it was comforting to know that someone else had been through the same thing. But we're OK."

I wanted to make sure my ears weren't playing tricks on me, so I asked him to repeat it. He said, "Lanetta and I were at a bar earlier, and talking about how we've both been raped, but we're doing OK." He then joked about how he was drunk and hoped I could understand him.

I was astonished and was immediately overwhelmed with what to say, because I'd never had this conversation with a friend of mine. I asked him when this happened, and he said last October, and he then went into a gutwrenching description of the incident. He said he was at a gay bar, and a younger boy bought him a drink, which turned out to be drugged. Then this guy took him into the restroom and proceeded to rape him, and then my friend kept yelling at him to stop and even clawed at this boy's eyes.

Let me point out that this person and I have been friends for a number of years, and since I'm bisexual, I obviously didn't think twice about the homosexual aspect to all of this. So all of a sudden, he stopped himself, then burst into tears, and yelled, "Oh god!! I just realized who I'm talking to! I hope you don't think less of me!"

I frantically assured him that I didn't, that as a friend he meant the world to me, and that I have no right to judge him or anyone else, and that he was allowed to call me anytime of day about anything he wanted. That seemed to comfort him, and then he said (still obviously crying), that he wasn't bothered anymore, and was going to deal with it.

I told him I think he has convinced himself that he isn't bothered by it, that anyone who calls up a friend nine months after an incident this happened, still obviously has it on his mind, and I spent a long time telling him he needed to find professional counseling, possibly from people at his university.

He refused, saying that he could deal with it, which I judged as being only partially the reason he didn't want to find help. I remembered reading astounding statistics some time ago of the large number of rapes that go unreported because the victims don't feel safe or feel that they are guilty. So I asked him as much, and he said yes he felt guilty because he "should have fought harder" and "shouldn't have had that drink." I tried my goddamn hardest to convince him he has no reason to blame himself, and that the only person to blame is the son of a bitch who took advantage of his body and his free will by drugging him. I tried so hard to convince him it wasn't his fault. Hell, I even told him that rape comes from a Latin word meaning to steal, and that's what this bastard did to him-- he stole his dignity. But I'm not sure the message got through.

I then asked him if he was afraid that a rape crisis counselor would disregard him because of his sexuality, which he said he was convinced of. I told him that those counselors and mental health professionals had the same love and willingness to see him well that I did, and that it was their job to accept him in his condition, and that our country's stigma toward homosexuality shouldn't inhibit him from finding help, but he said going to a counselor was so scary because of it. He also said that because he'd had sex with many men, and has even had numerous one-night stands, so "being raped shouldn't bother" him.

We chatted for a little over an hour, and one of the last things he said to me was a request not to tell one of our closest mutual friends because he wanted us both to respect him. The advice I gave him was that no matter what he does in life, his true friends would always love him. He agreed, but said he didn't want us to worry about him because he wants us to be happy and proud of him. I said we both love and support him, and that nothing would make us happier and prouder than having the courage to go speak to a professional counselor. He said that if I really thought that was best, he would talk to someone else about it.

Anyway, sorry for such a long post, but this has been disturbing for me, and I don't know how I'm going to sleep for the next few hours... As soon as I got off the phone, I remembered a speaker at my college last semester talking about her raped daughter who later committed suicide, which kind of worries me now.

So I have a few questions: First, it would be of great comfort to me to know if I said the right things to him. As I'm the only person he's told about this, I feel my words in particular have tremendous weight, and I hope I didn't say any of the wrong things.

Secondly, I don't know what to do next. He was drunk during this phone call, and he even admitted that he probably would forget our phone call in the morning. Should I take him at his word that he would seek help, or do I need to follow up on this, and how should I go about it? Keep in mind he lives nearly six hours away from me.

Third, should I tell anyone else about this, namely, our close mutual friend I mentioned earlier, who would no doubt be astounded and concerned beyond belief at his plight, but also who he didn't want to know about this?

Finally, any resources, links, or materials you could provide on this topic would be helpful. This is the first website I've visited since the phone call, so I haven't checked anywhere else. That I'm dealing with a gay man potentially changes the way I go about this, as well.

I'd appreciate any other personal adivce you folks would have to offer.

Rape is not an act of sex, it is an act of power. So there aren't any lines drawn for man-man, woman-man, etc...since there isn't a classification of "homosexual rape"...it is just RAPE.
This isn't your news to tell--telling other friends behind his back is a betrayal of trust.
Please talk to him again when he is sober and tell him you are there for him, urge him to get counseling (any rape crisis line can do this) and let him talk about it as much...or as little as he wants.
Good luck.

A portion of our conversation was actually devoted to rape versus sex. Regarding your mentioning of an act of power, he also said he was embarrassed because he was raped by a younger male and should have been powerful enough to fend him off...

(on the chance you are using everyone's real name)

and i echo what the first poster has said--don't tell your mutual friend, talk to him when he is sober, talk about this specific issue, and then encourage him to talk to a professional counselor.

Thanks...

That's what a friend called her new coat, and other things from her family. The coat was ruined on the roof where the two men...

But she was able to sit around a table and tell her co-workers what happened to her, and I learned from it.

Rape is a devaluing. Gifts are given to those who are valued. It isn't a quid pro quo. It doesn't erase anything. But it restates a concept that may have been lost: that this is someone who has value, who is valued, who is precious and deserves the best, no matter what some stupid idiot did or thought.

So when I got the call about my 17-year-old cousin, I slipped an evil eye bead on a 14k chain, put it in a box with a ribbon and ran right over. And told her that evil eye bead was to protect her from now on. That was a lot of years ago and she now has a profession, a husband, two stunning, wonderful children. I dunno if the bead helped.

But your friend is talking about losing respect. Losing value in the eyes of his friends. In his own eyes.

If this were my friend, I'd give him a solid, tangible gift, a talisman that proves the dark thoughts are false, the respect is still there, the value is still there.

A therapist can do all kinds of things. But a therapist is not a friend. Since this is a man who feels that his friends will not value him anymore, a gift is a quick and concrete way to prove that's crap.

A gold keychain? Something he can carry with him. Or something he can look at at home that reinforces his worth.

Because you know what? Talk is cheap. Anyone can say anything. (My favorite worthless phrase, btw, is "call me if you need anything.") Taking the trouble to shop for and wrap a gift can do as much as a month of therapy...but I never said don't do therapy.

For one thing, telling his friend to get therapy could be seen as washing his hands of the matter. A call-me-when-you-aren't-filth-anymore gesture.

A gift is between him and his friend. And it says, you are still treasure NOW. No matter what's happened. That makes getting therapy a whole lot easier.

But it's certainly cheaper not to believe me.

it's a tough situation. I would follow up and see if he remembers the conversation, but even if he doesn't at some point you should bring up, obviously as gently as possible, just what the conversation was about. I think you should just continue to be a good friend, give him support and love. Urge him to get some help, even though his reservations are viable ones. You were right in telling him that a counselor would want to see him well, I'm sure that was reassuring. Like you said, distance is a factor, but stay in touch and stay supportive. Let him talk as much as he wants and on his terms. Mainly just be a friend. I would not tell Emily, not unless his behavior became very destructive or something. Let him tell her when he's ready, or if he gives you permission to tell her. You did well in assuring him that you both care for him no matter what. I think you did well, and I'm sure others will add more that will be helpful. The best I can say is be a good friend and stay supportive. :)

You can call the gay pride/gay support group and ask the same. Without using names or identifying your friend in any way, you can gather information for your friend, and then let him know where he can go when he is ready.

The "I'm drunk now and won't remember what I said later" bit is a cover-up. First he told a stranger -- the anonymity of the confessional, as it were. He needed to tell someone he trusts -- that was you. Don't tell your mutual friend; wait for him to do it himself. It's taken this long for your friend to be able to talk about this assault at all; it may take longer before he seeks professional help.

This is an awful thing to hear from a friend, and you are doing well with the situation. The Rape Crisis Center may actually have information useful to you, as well.

Hang in there. :hug:

Hekate

--for just that purpose.

Don't tell anyone else without his express permission. Jesus. That's a no brainer.

I think the best thing you did was tell him to get professional help. In my opinion, he needs gay-friendly therapy to deal with the sexual assault itself and the horrendous self-worth issues implied by his statements that he 'shouldn't have been bothered' by being raped, simply because he's had many one-night stands. If you get an appropriate segue, you might want to tell him to seek out counseling services more substantial than what his university offers. (A university student health center really shouldn't be handling a sexual assault survivor with your friend's mental health problems anyway.)

There are lots of GLBT rights and support groups that can provide you with references for gay or gay-friendly medical providers, but you'd have to reach out to GLBT folks in your area to find the right ones for your friend and you.

I agree with pretty much all the advice you have been given. You don't mention anything about location but I am assuming he must be in a decent sized city. He should be able to find a good counselor in a decent sized city. He has a tough road ahead of him. This is all caught up with any possible shame he feels for being gay. Add in all the other feelings rape victims feel and he isn't in a great place. The only other thing I would mention is alcohol. He is in some danger of alcoholism and that concerns me. I know what that is like as I have been there. Keep up the good work and good luck.