Free to Good Home

Because of our current political climate, we, the intelligent, compassionate citizens of the United States, are being forced to seek another home for several million of our fellow citizens.

As much as it pains us to admit it, these folks just aren't a good fit in our home anymore. We originally thought it might be possible to rehabilitate them, but we've had to give it up as a lost cause.

They are very aggressive, spending too much of their time and energy growling and snapping at anyone who gets too close. Impossible to house break, they frequently urinate on our Constitution. They are prone to fear-biting, cowering in the corner, then launching themselves without warning, often attacking friend or foe alike with no consideration beforehand. It's not that they're dumb or anything...they're just very fearful and often forget who is and is not their enemy when in the throes of panic.

They make excellent guard beasts--though we do recommend the use of a heavy chain to keep them from straying too far. They're extremely destructive when they slip their leash, tearing up whole cities and chunks of countryside if allowed to run amuck.

They can be placated by feeding them treats of empty platitudes and reactionary rhetoric, as well as bible verse taken completely out of context. They enjoy praise, and can easily be controlled through empty flattery. They particularly enjoy being referred to as the "Chosen People" or "Patriots" though it remains unclear why they think they're 'chosen' and what, exactly, is patriotic about their actions and attitudes.

They are all purebred registered Republicans, with papers. Many, if not all, come from a good lineage. Many are show quality, though some are only pet quality. They can be shipped with or without their own toys and bedding--as you prefer.

We'd be very grateful to anyone willing to take them off our hands. In fact, at this point, we'd be willing to pay YOU, or, at the very least, allow them to take their personal fortunes with them.

in abject desperation,

The TRUE patriots of the United States of America

I'm not keen on it when I read it in Ann Coulter or Michelle Malkin, I suppose I can't be keen on it when I read it here .

Bryant

Give me a break.

Thanks, Mythsaje, that was a great grin inducing post.

:D

I really hate republicans shitting on, I mean in my house

While they might be vicious in groups, when you separate them out they become nearly paralyzed by their natural inclination toward indolence and their utter inability to act without careful and precise direction.

They require minimal feed and watering as conservation of energy remains their highest priority in the absence of specific instruction.

Using a Republic as a doorstop makes a bold fashion statement and will be the source of much conversation for years to come as visitors speculate on what it would take to rouse it to guard dog status. Even the mention of taxes and socialism only cause it to grunt derisively.

The potential for violence in the presence of specific instruction makes them a good deterrent to thieves, but you'll find the average Republic lethargic enough to hold the door shut efficiently for many decades.

Fucked them up in the head.