Mods: I have permission from the author to post this entire rant
DU'ers: The Author of this wants to hear from you, and I will be emailing his radio show this thread to discuss on his show next week. I emailed him and got permission to post this here, and he will be taking up your replies sometime next week.
If you want to confront him directly you can do so noon-3pm (CA Time) at www.knzr.com - Double click on the live web cam on the left (you may need to scroll down) and make up a name to enter the chat room.
I asked the author/radio guy if I could post this here and send him the results - he said yes. So have at him, and this weekend I will send him this thread to mull over.
Confront hate radio head on, don't let guys like this get away with their hate.
The Retrosexual Male
Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stands and I can't stands no more. Every time my TV is on, all I ever see is a bunch of wussyfide, effeminate men or gay guys redecorating houses, talking about concepts like "style", and the "grooming" or "fixing" of guys like myself by a bunch of "Nancy Boys."
Now last night while watching one of my poker shows I like to watch, there was a dating tip for men from one of those dudes from that stupid show Queer Eye For the Straight Guy. WHAT! Then I keep hearing of this thing called the "Metro Sexual Male." A man, who looks, talks, walks, and acts totally gay, but still dates women. What the.....?
It's time for the Real Men to react to the Will and Grace mentality that is permeating our society.
It’s time for all the real men of the California, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and repeat after me ENOUGH!
I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The Code
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with stuff. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you JUST DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need one shelf (possibly 2 shelves if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old. A good old-fashioned western wear shop or even Wal-Mart is all you need for casual clothes and jeans. And for suits try the Men’s Warehouse. You're gonna like the way look.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill things (or people) if need be. This falls under the "dealing with stuff" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors mess up rooms in his house on national TV, nor does he watch such wastes of time. And the only cooking shows he watches are about either chili cook-offs or grilling. Or anything with Rachel Ray. Ooooh she's hot!
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for any woman. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a foo-foo little squirrel bait. And in the long run, she ain't worth it anyhow.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree-chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH STUFF. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you. So buck up cowboy!
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DAMN DATE.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That is really gay. However dressing in kilts, and banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily to bond with other guys is just fine.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. (If not, he can borrow some from my friend Carl, who has enough wound stories to last for 3 lifetimes)
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual's bunghole is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Hooters hot wings have been recently consumed, you could lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with yours unless you want us to, and you won't mess with ours period.
A Retrosexual WILL buy feminine hygiene products if he has to, but only under protest. This falls under unpleasant things you have to DEAL with. And get some Hagen-Daas while you’re at it.
A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus or subway etc. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks make me sick" look on his face.
A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has either straight vodka or gin and vermouth dammit. And maybe an olive or onion. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch??
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massage and cunnilingus skills are the way to make up for a small penis, guns are simply TOOLS OK! And are often essential to DEAL with stuff. Plus it's just damned fun to shoot things.
A Retrosexual Does NOT talk about the size of his penis, the length of his penis, or the manner in which he uses his penis.....PERIOD
When a dear friend is injured it is a Retrosexual males duty to make sure his buddy is ok, and once that is established, the duty then changes to ridicule over being a dumb-ass and getting hurt in the first place.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious
healthy relationship. These hobbies include but are not limited to boxing, rock climbing, fishing, hunting, riding a Harley, playing hours of poker with his buddies, outdoor grilling, RV-ing, working on the car, or admiring a passing woman.
A Retrosexual satisfies his woman every time. A LOT!
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow, or sever rain, or even a blizzard without sliding all over the damned road or driving under 20mph.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Where ever it lands is where he wanted
It to land in the first place.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract. A handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself, such as spilling coffee in his lap. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.
Crying. OK, many men have asked me when a Retrosexual man is cleared to cry. I have given this question a great deal of thought. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing and throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) the death of a loved one, death of a pet ( fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part. Finding a scratch on the side of your brand new Mustang GT is also reason to cry, momentarily, then the firearm/dealing with stuff clause gets put into effect. It is also permissible to shed a tear when the Duke "buys the farm" in one of his movies. Remember “The Sands Of Iwo Jima?”
Retrosexuals don't describe objects with terms like "precious," "cute," or "adorable." Women are not “objects” therefore those terms are permissible when describing chicks.
Retrosexuals don't choose favorite sports teams by the colors on the jerseys.
A Retrosexual will never raise a finger in anger at a woman, and any male who strikes a woman in anger will receive a 9mm hemorrhage, to be dealt by the closest Retrosexual at hand.
A Retrosexual does know how to cook - outdoors, over an open fire, on a barbecue grill, in a smoker or a turkey fryer, or in a clambake pit. These are essential skills needed for the maximum enjoyment of the red meat and the fish and game he has killed and cleaned himself. It is also acceptable to cook things in pots, so long as it's done outdoors and preferably uses large quantities of beans.
A Retrosexual can recite the Pledge of Allegiance without mumbling, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. That includes the “under God” part. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.
A Retrosexual's allegiance is to God, Wife, Family, Country then Self in exactly that order of importance.
A Retrosexual knows his history. As a consequence he knows war is messed up. That's why a Retrosexual prefers war as an away game.
And a Retrosexual knows that you win a war by making the other Poor Dumb Son Of A Bitch die for his country.
'Hi, have a beer.' between two Retrosexuals is considered a long conversation. Stares are small talk.
For a Retrosexual, a muscle car has 8 cylinders, 4 barrels, a stick shift and is 100% American made. They should also have been manufactured between 1955 and 1975. Rice burning, sewing machines on wheels with funny lettering and a lot of do not apply.
Retrosexuals shake hands. Hugs are for French wimps.
Retrosexuals don't wear "fragrances" other than a small dab of Aqua Velva behind each ear.
A Retrosexual does NOT have soft, anti-bacteria, aloe smelling hands. They should be tough, have at least 1 cut at all times, and if your lucky hair on their knuckles. Pumis is the only thing that you need to clean your hands with unless you’re going out on a date. In that case you would use large amounts Orange hand cleaner.
A Retrosexual carries a wallet, with no more then 1 major credit card, and no less then 6 local hardware store credit cards. Also there is 1 picture of the family and 1 of his wife alone...nude if possible. Under NO circumstances is there any coupons, 9 haircuts get 1 free punch cards, or anything that involves the word "bonus"
A Retrosexual considers "a sport" to be anything with large amounts of full contact hitting. Things like bicycle racing or golf does not apply.
When a Retrosexual has a dinner party, there are only three requirements: Meat, Fire, and Beer.
When a Retrosexual locks his keys in the car he will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore a woman’s pleas to call AAA until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, he will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if he knows what he's looking at. If another Retrosexual shows up, one will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and crap, I wouldn't know where to start." They will then drink beer.
A Retrosexual will be capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time he says it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and he and his buddies have to go hunt down an after hours joint.
A Retrosexual has to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen, Molly Hatchet or The Doors come on, and then, he has to tell his woman every single time about how the Boss had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. A good woman should not behave as if she does not find this fascinating.
A Retrosexual will share equally in the housework. His woman should expect to do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. He will do the rest.
A Retrosexual doesn't give a hoot in hell about birthdays. There comes a time when you should stop expecting people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
A Retrosexual doesn't need to march in a parade to show who and what he is. His proper actions are proof enough.
A Retrosexual doesn't protest anything. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is just to annoy people who are not in them.
A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting naked in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey) He will also refuse to watch "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" “The English Patient” or “Thelma and Louise.”
Acceptable movies for the Retrosexual man may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Guns Of Navirone, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddy Shack, Animal House, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee film, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Fight Club, Tora, Tora, Tora, Blackhawk Down, The Patriot, or Patton. And of course anything staring John Wayne.
A Retrosexual never mixes his drugs. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A Retrosexual will keep his ears clean. This is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
A Retrosexual is courteous of other drivers on the road. Always dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in your sights.
When a Retrosexual man is sending his wife down the road with a gas can, he knows it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. Remember life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "...Holy smoke...what a ride!"
A Retrosexual does not leave the house without at least a 4 inch Buck knife in his pocket at all times so to better help him deal with stuff. A leather-man tool or a Swiss army knife is also acceptable.
Unless you have a 2.2L Dodge Caravan with a Turbo III that does a 10 second quarter mile, a Retrosexual does not drive a minivan.
A Retrosexual makes at least one attempt to fix something before calling in a professional to do it.
A Retrosexual who smokes does not smoke Virginia Slims.
Arbor Mist, drinks with umbrellas, Zima, or any alcohol that is clear and comes in a 12 oz longneck shall not be consumed by a Retrosexual.
A Retrosexual may only go to Jiffy Lube to get his car inspected.
A Retrosexual does not patronize automatic car washes.
Should a Retrosexual require the services of an automotive mechanic, the mechanic must be old, grumpy, and look like an extra from a ZZ-Top video.
A Retrosexual considers his car to be an extension of his castle.
One does not change the radio station, eat, drink, smoke, have sex in, borrow, or touch the Retrosexual’s car without permission.
A Retrosexual knows how to drive a car with manual transmission.
A Retrosexual knows it's not how you play the game, it’s whether you win or lose that matters. However if he looses he will take it like a man. Again, this falls under the "dealing with stuff" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual knows exactly when to not 'give a rat’s ass'
A Retrosexual doesn’t touch a married woman, whether you think she wants it or not. Besides being “just wrong” her husband will find it easy to get away with hiding your body.
A Retrosexual knows that Smith & Wesson is the original "Point & Click" function.
The only pink a Retrosexual wears is the faded bloodstains of past knife-fights.
Now comes the fun part. Feel free to add your own points to the Code and pass this along to all the real men in your address book. Long live the Retrosexual Male and God Bless America.
http://www.knzr.com/Article.asp?id=499123&spid=17153
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