Halloween Reform (Please tell me this published student paper is a joke)

Tomorrow is Halloween, and I feel a compelling desire to comment on some of the lunacy that has surrounded this year’s celebration of Paganism, candy and the one day of the year when people are allowed to be everything that they aren’t usually. Channeling the spirit of Rev. Jerry Falwell, I’ve come up with three specific proposals for widespread Halloween reform that will allow the holiday to continue but will finally root out the Satanism once and for all.

1) Halloween uniforms.

Whether they are perverting respectable professions like nursing and law enforcement or threatening our future security by glorifying toy guns and light sabers, kids can’t be trusted anymore to pick their own costumes. But we can’t just ban costumes because that is half the point of Halloween, so what do we do? The same thing we do for rebellious school kids: uniforms.

Boys should only be allowed to dress up like cowboys because they are authentically American and they never hurt anyone either (except maybe Native Americans). Girls should only be allowed to dress up like Barbie, but not beach Barbie or any of the more scantily clad Barbies. This way, we can strictly enforce gender roles and prevent the further degradation of our country’s most respected professions.

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America's most trusted professions: cowboys and Barbie.

Sad that we can't actually be 100% sure these days, isn't it?

Don't you?