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Yes, big bad tough Republicans. You know, the folks who talk tough about kicking Iraqi ass all the time, who thought the whole war would be a "cakewalk."
Hard to believe, isn't it? But it's true.
They're afraid of Iran going nuclear. Not just concerned, but shitting-in-their-pants afraid of it. I mean, seriously, what would they do with the bomb even if they DID get it? Blow up Israel? What the fuck for? So they could get bombed into a radioactive cinder by everyone else? Hell, Pakistan already has nukes, and they've already shown us how unstable THEY can be. But Iran--Iran scares the CRAP out of the Republicans.
They're afraid of those dirty, nasty immigrants. Ignoring, of course, the simple fact that their parents, grandparents, or great-grandparents were probably immigrants as well. Unless they're 100% Native American and, let's face it, you show me a Republican Indian and I'll show you someone who makes a Log Cabin Republican look like a fucking genius.
They're afraid of Al Qeida. Not just worried about what the rat-bastards might be up to, but shaking-in-their-boots, "please read our e-mails and listen to our phone conversations" scared of the fuckers. C'mon, man. They're a bunch of cave-dwelling religious maniacs who, in the past several decades, managed to mount ONE particularly effective attack aimed at American soil (there were two, but they kinda screwed the pooch on the first attempt. Hell, it took them two tries to take down the Twin Towers, and the guy who made the first one is STILL rotting in prison). They're not HYDRA, for Chrissakes. They're not the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. They're a bunch of fuckwads hiding in caves with a crazy loudmouth bastard for a leader and a goddamn video camera. They're not the fucking Sith. Sincere and diligent surveillance should be enough to stay ahead of them. We hardly need to throw the Constitution in the trash and piss all over it for good measure just to protect ourselves from them.
They're afraid of gays, as if a little oral sex between consenting adults being accepted as "normal" will induce critical mass and cause the planet to explode. As if leaving people the right to love and even marry the person of their choice will suddenly bring heterosexual marriage and opposite sex relationships to a screeching halt.
They're afraid of secularists, as if letting people believe how they want to believe (or disbelieve) for that matter, will bring the United States government crashing down overnight and plunge the nation in to lawless anarchy.
They're afraid of "socialized medicine." As if taking care of the needs of poor people will instantly bankrupt society and leave everyone vulnerable to a sudden outbreak of the Bubonic Plague. As if working to ensure a healthier populace wouldn't be good for everyone in the long run.
They're afraid of "eco-terrorists," as if everyone who thinks the planet is worth saving is going to start burning down new construction the minute their backs are turned.
They're afraid of paying to maintain infrastructure, as if repairing aging bridges might invite trolls to move in beneath them...as if the next bridge that collapses might not be the very bridge they're crossing over at that very moment.
They're afraid of paying their fair share of taxes, as if they don't make use of the same economic structures that everyone else does, as if they don't rely on the fire departments to protect their homes, the police to protect their communities, and the feds to protect their banks from masked gunmen. As if they don't expect the FCC to protect their children from accidental glimpses of Janet Jackson's nipple piercings during their annual televised super-gladitorial game.
They're afraid of drugs, as if the drug war they trumpet has done a single thing to combat the spread of the most dangerous illegal drugs across nation and, instead, hasn't given the unscrupulous every financial reason in the world to spread the scourge to the most backward communities in the country. As if the pharmaceutical companies they love so much aren't at least as guilty of pushing questionable substances into the hands of citizens on a daily basis anyway.
When you get right down to it, there isn't much the Republicans AREN'T afraid of. So afraid, in fact, that they'd be willing to give up just about anything to anyone who promises to protect them from the multitude of boogiemen waiting just around the corner.
Republicans...the Party of Whiny Cowards. Their symbol shouldn't be an elephant--it should be a scared little bunny caught in the headlights of an on-coming semi.
Now THAT would be truth in advertising.
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