Beverly Tan: Why I F**cking Hate Starbucks

from HuffPost:




Beverly Tan
Why I F**cking Hate Starbucks
Posted November 27, 2007 | 01:44 PM (EST)

After all these years, I've reached a very important conclusion: I'm a simple kind of girl. I like my produce plain and unadorned. Most days, I only wear sunblock and lipgloss. I have never owned a blow dryer. I truly believe that sunshine and a long walk does more for your spirits than any self-help book.

This, I suspect, is why I hate Starbucks. Oh, don't get me wrong. 3 out of 7 days of the week, you will probably find me at a Starbucks. I wish I could be more militant about it, and be one of those people brews their tea at home to bring to work. But I don't. I'm lazy. And Starbucks is so ubiquitous. Which brings me to my first point:

1. Number of branches
There are 7 (count them, 7) Starbucks on South Beach. Do you know how small South Beach is? You can never have a secret hookup with someone and not run into them at your gym thirty minutes later. I know all the homeless people by their smells. Gossip travels at the speed of light. THAT'S how small it is. So why are there 3 Starbucks on Lincoln Rd alone? Is it because we have all suddenly developed a taste for Javanese coffee roasts? No, my friends. It's called being a "loss leader." Starbucks doesn't give a shit whether they make money or not, because this is a publicly traded company with deep, deep pockets. Their only goal is to grow and expand as quickly as possible, so that eventually all mom and pop businesses get edged out of market share. The kicker is, the bigger something gets, the shittier the quality becomes. Like McDonalds. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Quality
A rose by any other name doth smell as sweet. Especially if you're on the Starbucks marketing team. Brazil Ipanema Bourbon? Joya del Dia? Guatemala Casi Cielo? Are you fucking kidding me, people? Your coffee SUCKS. The best coffee that I have ever had was at a lowly hawker stall in Singapore. It was rich, black and gleaming. It smelled full-bodied and robust, and it woke your ass up at 6AM , a full-on caffeine extravaganza. And it was called, simply, "coffee." Your Mocha Sanani Cha-cha-la-la by comparison, tastes like a cross between drain cleaner and flat Pepsi. The fact that you are exploiting Third World Countries and militia-led countries to harvest cheap beans doesn't make my cuppa joe taste any better.

3. Music
Enough with the lesbian folk singers and the Miles Davis already. We get it! We, your target audience, are supposed to be sophisticated and discerning connoisseurs of world music. So why is that that every time I walk in, some Jewel rip-off is warbling in the distance? Did anyone at the mothership do their market segmentation research? Are you guys aware that Miami is 80% Latin, and that you'd be better off playing Suenelo Sound System or at the very least, classic Celia Cruz? Must you subject the entire world to what sounds like the Dawson's Creek soundtrack? I have news for you - THERE ARE NO WHITE PEOPLE IN MIAMI. THEY HAVE ALL FLED TO BROWARD.

4. Pretentiousness
Of all the things that piss me off most, being pretentious tops the list. This is why it irks me to no end, when people do things like perfume their dogs and bring them to pet yoga. That's called "being an asshole." On this note, the "The Way I See It" ad campaign has raised Starbucks' asshole-ness to an unprecedented level. It is bad enough that self-help gurus and life coaches clog the airwaves. Must we now suffer the travesty of having dimestore philosophy on our coffee cups? And it's a "medium" chamomile tea, not a "Grande." You're headquartered in Seattle, not Florence. Oh, and you want me to TIP YOU for this holy annoyance? No thanks. Give me my change, all of it. The next time I'm feeling introspective and want to read someone else's rhetoric, I'll crack open my copy of Hume.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/beverly-tan/why-i-fcking-hate-starb_b_74324.html

Starbucks, uncaring corporate monolith who pays health insurance costs for part-time employees, offers educational reimbursement, good working conditions and pays a fair wage.

God, I get sick of reading this shit over and over and over. They're not perfect, but they're sure as hell much more benign than Wal-Mart or other predatory retailers.

Julie

:shrug:

but their coffee really DOES suck:hangover:

in case I can't find any activated charcoal after an accidental poisoning - I'm sure the sludge they pass off as coffee would work just as well . . .

And that's what really counts. And I do know that the local coffee shop downtown in my small WI city employees really cool people, pays them well and they are ACTUALLY baristas and not button pushers and those guys know how to draw a real shot of espresso. So I go there and not the corporate shitty-coffee vendor. I don't want to pay for crappy coffee.

or they are shelling out their hard-earned cash for swill, because they like the paint on the wall

but Starbucks is a pretty responsible employer

and their bennies are better than most.

too!

How much can she possibly "hate" it?
Oh, the dilemma of being a writer and having nothing important to write about, LOL.

So she is working on hating it.

I hate this place!!(deeply sips her decaf chi soy milk latte) I hate this place!!! (adds generous amounts of cinnamon in drink) I hate this place (add chocolate to her drink) I hate this place!!! (takes a full body inhale of her drink almost draining the cup)

I hate this place!!! Now give me one to go!!!

that's what is so absolutely ridiculous about her stance. It's BS.

And I live in a Seattle suburb!
You won't hear me bitching about Starbucks, I'll just go to their competition.

Edit to add: And, I like Starbucks.

that I actually like starbucks, too. (Pumpkin Spice Latte is yummy and worth every bit of the $4.00 price tag!)

But, again, I only go once a month. It's too fattening and dessert-like to have that every single day! I certainly wouldn't go three times a week, and I REALLY enjoy it when I go!

Overpriced, but good. And I don't mind the number of locations--the closer I am to a hot coffee supply, the better.

But, they can make a really good latte. For nearly $4 they certainly SHOULD! LOL

I have to admit to becoming intolerant to a less than identically prepared latte at the ole "FOURBUCKS" as someone termed it. If they oversteam and whip the milk so that the cup is damned light, I'm PISSED. If they are out of cinnamon, I am pissed! NO, I don't go all Rambo on them, but the more expensive the damned coffee, the greater the expectations and the less tolerance for "error" :crazy:

I agree, Starbucks coffee is terrible!
guess it goes to show you the power of advertising when dishwasher and flat pepsi are considered good coffee and preditor marketing is considered good business.

It's too expensive, by about 400%.

There's nothing simpler than brewing your own coffee. I can do it while sleepwalking, and it's always much better than Starbucks at about 1/10th the price.

Man, I'm in the wrong business

My first thought was, "You get paid for this? Bland, derivative, behind-the-curve rantings about how evil and shitty are the places you spend money, and how you patronize these places out of nothing more than sheer laziness?" My next thought was yours - "Man, I'm in the wrong business."

mikey_the_rat

See how much more entertaining that is?

What I don't get, though, is why 2 asterisks?

Good stuff. I remember when Starbucks was the up and coming hip alternative, now it's mainstream. Funny how that works. Full disclosure, I've never been to a Starbucks, ever. Even though I'm surrounded by them too.

The number of branches entry made me think of something I saw this weekend. I was driving down the street and as I entered another state saw three chains of the SAME gas station on the same block. Three Speedways on the same block. One, separated by a store, then another on same side of the street. Then, two stores down on the other side of the street. All within 30 yards or so. I thought, 'you have got to be kidding me'.

bland coffee, ok donuts, 1970s style plastic decoration, no music.

I'll use a non-brand coffee shop if I can, but starbucks if I can't. And the kids (some of them not kids at all) working the counter are generally nice folks.

So sue me :P

Nasty, bitter crap. When I go to get a coffee I just tell them how I want it and POOF, there it is...no stupid sugar packets or creamers to be seen.

Honey Dew or Dunkies for me!

I appreciate the many branches of Starbucks. But I'll stop at a local coffee place too if I see one when I get off the offramp. Some of the Starbucks shops have very nice people working there---gay friendly.

I have no complaints.

(Seattle). Its impossible to go anywhere in the downtown without a starbucks nearby.... there have to be at least 150... and keep in mind the downtown, from Safeco Field to lake Union is a half hour walk, tops.

Their coffee is poor. I do my home brew in a Vibiemme machine, from beans I roasted and ground myself. I know whats in the beans, I know the tamp, I pull my own shots, and when doing espresso or (ugh) that american confection known as a Latte, I froth my own soymilk (also made by hand). Let me tell you, pressing a button is not pulling a shot.

They over roast their beans. Above a Full City + Roast (about 30 seconds after second crack or so), you start losing the character of the variety of bean, and the bean tastes more of the roasting technique than the origin. if that is so, then who cares about the various beans, if it is all 'espresso roast' or 'italian roast' or whatever.

I don't need a push button barista handing me a shot of underextracted, overmilked crap in a cup. and for how much? $3-$4 a shot? I can almost buy an entire pound of good organic fair trade green beans (from a microlot) with that.

And No, I am not a snob... I could care less about sounds in the air, or whats playing on someone's iPod... give me a shot of Kona, straight, with its delicate oakey undertones, like a fine borbon, only without the DUI hazard.

Starbucks should be fed to the prisoners at Gitmo.

just ribbing you....}(

I can't stand the stuff myself, but even I found myself drooling a little.

"And No, I am not a snob"

right. Spare me. I agree that starbucks overroasts their beans.

If i cannot have Medical insurance, and a 401(k) is somewhere between playing the slots and burning your money (risk wise), at least let me have my fun of eating healthy and nutritious.... Becides, I figure I can give the machine to my kids. If i can afford them.

There is nothing wrong with informed snobbery. Learn to love your inner snob.

Plus I envy your way classy coffee machine.

And keep it the hell away from my moo cow fuck milk! (Lewis Black)

Personally, I like Starbucks better than any coffee I can buy at the grocery. I make Starbucks at home. French Roast. Just a matter of personal taste.

Bake

>And keep it the hell away from my moo cow fuck milk! (Lewis Black)<

I can't pass the milk aisle in the store anymore without breathing "Moo cow f*ck milk" under my breath.

Julie

I know the tamp, I pull my own shots, and when doing espresso or (ugh) that american confection known as a Latte, I froth my own soymilk (also made by hand). Let me tell you, pressing a button is not pulling a shot.

OK, I found that really sexy. Am I weird?

I hate coffee, but that entire post was hot. :P

Now you two are both teasing, taunting and titilating me all the same :9
(not that I mind, mind you....)

Truer words were never written.

she hates Starbucks but still goes there three times a week?

I actually LIKE Starbucks, but go only once a month, for a special treat. They are everywhere, but it's easy to make your own coffee. Or pick one up from a deli. Or a Dunkin Donuts. Or anywhere else. She just wants to complain about something.

It's pretty yummy. The Peppermint Mocha is too mocha, but the Peppermint Hot Chocolate is good.

it now takes 20 minutes for me to get a sandwich and a cup of milk at any place that also offers coffee because to be competitive with Starbucks, they have to offer all the froo-froo extras. So while I'm dying of hunger, just wanting a club sandwich and milk, the person is front of me is ordering a double-mocha-espresso-grande-non-dairy-steamed-light-cream-with-sprinkles and one Splenda packet and one Equal packet with a shot of vanilla, and after the minimum-wage-slave figures that all out and gets it done, my lunch hour is 3/4s over, but before I can begin ordering, that person will be back up at the counter complaining because the barista put in a NutraSweet packet instead of Equal.

And I know the order I listed doesn't exist, but then I don't drink coffee, damn it!

I just want my sandwich. :(

TlalocW

good food, and if you want a coffee, they just give you a cup. Go fill it yourself from the urns. You get light roast, dark roast, hazelnut or decaf. No frilly froo-froo crap, and the soup is quite good.

The joke is if the boss ever takes you to Panera, you're being fired. He's done that twice.

TlalocW

Just roll the windows down or somebody could die.

on edit - I will instantly self-destruct if I ever say anything other than small medium or large when ordering a cup of coffee. Grande...my ass is grande

They're not all that bad.

plain & simple. TAZO teas are a joke.

Those things are everywhere.....but here. Not a Starbucks for more than 30-40 miles, yet i survive.

while she probably wrote this pretentious pile of "me! me! me!" whingeing for free.

except for their stupid size labels, "Venti" "Grande" and whatever.

Their coffee might be slightly overpriced by quality standards but you also pay for an attractive, comfortable place to enjoy it, and consistently good service. That's a deal.

:hi:

I rarely go, anymore, because I got an espresso machine and I can make my own lattes for way cheaper. But I have nothing against the place.

You want real coffee? Go to Guatemala, paddle 20mi up the Rio Polochic from Lake Izabal. 2nd straw hut on the right.

Singapore, heh. What a lightweight.

Homer and Marge are at opposite ends of a rather pretentious-looking food court ordering from different restaurants. The camera pans below the store fronts to reveal a giant vat labeled "GENERIC MEAT". I wouldnt be surprised at all if all Starbucks varieties came from the same vat.

There's usually a good independent source for coffee near any Starbucks where people are nicer, less pretentious,
and the scene is more laid back. Use your Starbucks as a guide to the place nearby.

I walk an extra block to buy my coffee from the independent coffee shop rather than starbucks.

They've got prime location next to the campus. But the thing is that the locals are still driving them into the ground. I'm wondering how much punishment Starbucks will take before they pack it in and shut it down as a lost cause.

We had several local coffeehouses that were well established before Starbucks came to town. Thus, they got a dedicated customer base, and Starbucks is simply being undercut by the fact that their coffee sucks. Even the students will walk an extra couple of blocks to get better coffee.

That is all.

...is like me, not liking coffee at all?

I can't stand the stuff. No matter who makes it, how it's make, what it's made from. I'm not that crazy about the smell of it either. The smell of some of the flavored coffees, like hazelnut or French vanilla, is downright sickening to me.

I think I first tried coffee when I was around ten or so, and gave coffee another try every few years or so after that to see if my tastes had changed. Somewhere around my mid twenties I gave up trying and decided I'd probably never like the stuff.

What I find amusing is how even people who supposedly like coffee -- in general -- are very often not exactly loving the particular cup that's in their hands at a given moment. "This coffee is terrible!" they exclaim... and then, with a grimace, they keep on sucking the stuff down. It seems addiction is a much more powerful motivator here than flavor. :)

I always used to love the smell of the EightO'Clock beans in the supermarket--a harbinger of things to come, I guess. I didn't start drinking it daily until a few years ago--was (and still am) a tea drinker. So now it's decaf tea at night, coffee in morning and afternoon. It was an acquired taste for me--I doctor mine up with real cream and sugar.

When your horny enough, they'll do, but you'd rather have something better.

...but I'd rather skip the coffee and masturbate. :)

It will do in a pinch, but I prefer the real thing.

...but I've personally never quite understood the "any port in a storm" view of sex, wanting not just a relief from sexual attention, but the sexual act itself, so badly that having sex with a woman I didn't find attractive would be a satisfying thing.

I only get it if there is no other coffee house in a 3 block radius, and I include Gas Station and seven eleven coffee.

In a Consumer Reports test, McDonald's coffee beat the hell out of Starbucks.

I was not surprised.

But otherwise, I find it way better that Ashtraybucks.

Teehee.....Yup. The only thing I ever get there is a tall soy latte, because the 3/4 cup of soy milk takes the edge off that bitter-as-hell 1/4 cup of coffee.

If you don't like it, don't go there.

nt

but this is the promotion of not liking things. Just pretty negative, isn't it?

I guess it bothered me that she said their coffee sucks. It doesn't. They are pros at what they do. So I see the majority as pretty baseless accusations.

Interesting article here:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16951509/

because they go to the shitty ones. And usually, it's because they are afraid to try something different, or because they've "bought the image".

Then the rest of us have no choic but to brew our own coffee or drink swill.

She should invest in a decent coffee pot or espresso maker and then she can avoid that which she hates.

and the last 2 times I got a mocha from the drive thru Starbucks it was luke warm and was sort of blah. I even told them to please make it hotter the second time around & they didn't. I have long wondered at the popularity of Starbucks-their coffee has never seemed all that special or good to me.

Give me instead the little mom & pop coffee drive thrus that we have all over the Pacific Northwest any day-they ROCK. :9

the Wireless access isn't FREE. What's up with that? Well of course, it's a contract with T-Mobile Hotspots, but just about every other coffee shop I go into has FREE wireless.

I tend to hang out at coffeeshops when my daughter is in class, just an hour or two at a time, and I want to get some work done, but I hate that I have to pay for wireless at Starbucks.

I realize it's not free to the company, but if just about every other coffee shop in town offers it free, surely Starbucks can too.

My favorite is a tiny chain (there are 2 shops I think) here called Surf City. Good coffee, great atmosphere, comfy chairs, dog friendly, and did I mention free wireless?

I don't hate Starbucks, though. It's just a coffee shop.

Starbucks has cleaner bathrooms though. They also have the single seaters so you can really nuke the place and watch peoples eyes water as they come out after you leave...

Wow, a tirade about Starbucks! That's just so...I dunno...last century...

If there's any left.

Lovely.

she deserves a :hug:!

don't really enjoy starbucks coffee myself. well, except for their coffee ice cream. i found mcdonald's coffee much better recently (i know, i'm a coffee heretic). but i'm not a big coffee drinker so this doesn't phase me.

but i did break down and guffaw about the dawson's creek world musak shlock pushed on the clientele. i keep getting supporting images of "Friends", "VH1", and "Hootie and the Blowfish" and then i just can't take it anymore. i just break down laughing. "listening to this appalachian cloghopping with tibetan throat singing is, like, so amazing. i'm sooo there buffy. i'm, like, transcending my inner chakra or something, like phoebe in that hideous caftan during that episode with ross 'n rachel..."