Mark Morford: Let us kill all the teddy bears

Note to radical Muslims: I've now named my favorite coffee mug 'Muhammad.' Hope that helps

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Here's what I like to do every time I see a throng of frothing religious zombies marching in the streets of Sudan or Pakistan or Colorado Springs or anywhere else in the world, carrying knives and torches and holding festering clots of fear in their hearts as they burn flags or photographs or copies of "The Goblet of Fire" or "The Golden Compass" or that sweet little book about the cute gay penguins in the Central Park Zoo and all screaming for the instant death of someone who dared to suggest that, say, Jesus was actually a liberal pacifist or that L. Ron Hubbard was a nutball hack or that it's perfectly delightful to let sweet little schoolkids name a sweet little teddy bear 'Muhammad.'

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Indeed, the distressed reaction from normal Muslims must be a very similar to what average Christians experience when they hear about yet another loud-mouthed gaggle of Bible zealots using Jesus as a weapon to attack and bash and impede, to go after gays and women and science and sex and terrifying little books about girls and magic dust and talking polar bears.

It's a common Christian lament. It's also a bit bogus, unconvincing, hollow. Because the fact is, the extremists of any religion merely serve to illuminate the fact that there's always something inherently dangerous in giving yourself (and your national identity) over to such divisive, woefully dualistic systems that, no matter what your stance, absolutely insist that man is but a flawed, lustful animal that can never truly know God. Or to put it more crudely: The fanatics may like to pee in the pool, but religion built the damn pool in the first place.

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All these thoughts swirl and dance when suddenly I read that the pope, perhaps the most dangerous, out-of-touch world figure in all of organized religion's dour pantheon, has declared that atheists — atheists! — are responsible for some of "the greatest forms of cruelty" in history. I laugh out loud. It is a wonder that lightning did not strike him dead on the spot.

Pascal: "Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." Twain: "Man is kind enough when he is not excited by religion." Tom Robbins: "A sense of humor, properly developed, is superior to any religion so far devised." Salud, gentlemen.

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As for me, I love Great Danes. Also Dobermans and Ridgebacks and sleek Lab mixes. Alas, I do not yet have a dog. When I finally get one, perhaps I shall name him Allah. Maybe I shall get a second dog and name her Buddha, my parrot Jesus, my new mattress set Shiva and Shakti, my car Dionysus, and my favorite Pyrex sex toy, naturally, oh sweet Lord. This is the plan.

For now, I shall do my part to defuse the raging drama of perceived blasphemy in the world by naming my favorite coffee mug Muhammad. I suggest you do something similar. Spread God around. Unlock the cage. Defeat toxic zealotry. After all, is God not everywhere, in all things at all times in every possible way? You bet She is. Really, why save her for just the teddy bears?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2007/12/05/notes120507.DTL&nl=fix

but what a wonderful article! Also, I just finished reading "The Golden Compass" and have started "The Subtle Knife," the second novel in the trilogy. I highly recommend them. I suppose that means I'm damned... oh, well, I'll name my recliner "Odin." Maybe that will score me some points. }(