My Prejudiced Uncle Walked Into My Office Today...

...with his wife, singing a song about green cards. Apparently, after driving past a road crew with some Hispanic males working in it, they spent the remaining time in the car coming up with hilarious lyrics about illegal immigrants set to the tune of Feliz Navidad.

Having learned from previous bitter experience that it was pointless to try for anything like a civilized debate with my uncle (he once told me that gays had no right to marry but interracial couples could because those couples were “people”), I had no intention of calling him out for his tasteless behavior. He must have seen the look on my face, however, so he insisted on discussing his views on immigration. Sadly, like many bigots, he used this election cycle’s GOP Fear Tactic® of “illegal immigration” to mask his latent contempt for all immigrants (at least the brown ones- legal or otherwise). During the course of his tirade, ostensibly against those who enter our country illegally, he mentioned his hatred of government forms and retail products with both English and Spanish text, immigrants who took jobs from “real Americans” and how his taxes were being wasted on social programs used by immigrants.

Personally, I try never to interrupt anyone, regardless of the provocation, even if they constantly interrupt me; first, it is rude, and second, it drives home the point that his argument is probably not that convincing if he refuses to let anyone else get a word in edgewise. Despite my uncle’s constant interruptions (and his wife telling him to shut up and let me speak), I was able to explain to him that new immigrants often need some help acclimating to our society and multi-language labels and forms were a small price to pay; that most or all the “good jobs” the Hispanic immigrants (deep down, I knew that Mexicans were all he was concerned about) are taking in our particular area are lowly kitchen, janitorial and fruit-picking jobs; and that everyone at some point gets something from the government, pointing out that, as a Veteran, he received 100% free healthcare which was paid for entirely by taxes. Using his argument, I asked him if people who do not qualify for government coverage should resent their taxes going for his personal healthcare.

At this point, he slapped his hand hard on the table, mumbled something under his breath and left me alone with my aunt who apologized for his behavior. She and I talked about immigration for a little while longer until I had to leave to pick up my son from preschool. At this point, my uncle came out of his office and started to harangue me about just why he deserved his free healthcare, how he spent eight goddamned years in the navy, how he had to hold a (whatever rifle they issued naval officers at the time) in Saudi Arabia guarding against Shiites who wanted to kill him and HOW DARE I question his service to this country and just how stupid liberals like me were, etc.

I walked past him half-blocking the exit, hoping to be able to control my own temper while he was yelling at me. Unfortunately, I eventually snapped, not only calling him prejudiced but extremely selfish and that all he cared for was himself, all while we were walking to our cars.

As I later explained to my father (who runs the company for which my uncle and I work) I never even wanted to talk to my uncle in the first place, let alone have the whole thing disintegrate into an ugly shouting match at the end. Frankly, I could have said a lot more to my uncle at the time but knew it just was not worth it, since my uncle thrives on conflict.

I do not feel bad about what I said, but I am ashamed at myself for losing control. What is it with these goddamned conservative Republicans (yes, my bigot uncle is one of Bush’s 28-ers) that they cannot have any debate on any issue without turning the whole thing into a perceived attack on their personal integrity while simultaneously bringing out the worst in their opponents?

“The GOP- Bringing out the worst in people since 1854.”

and abuse it is! I hope that your father can have a talk with him.

Repeating something like:

"I'm sorry, but we shouldn't talk about this so I'm ending this conversation."

He rattles on . . .

You say "This conversation is over".

Get up and leave if you have to. Yes, I know it's your office but just leave until he's gone.

Remember, when you're trying to change a set of dysfunctional interpersonal dynamics, the other person will work even harder to bring you back in. Just get up and leave when this starts happening.

Be consistent about it.

It's dysfunctional and codependent to let him offend you like that. The same goes for you engaging with him in any way.

Remove the fuel from the fire. Just leave.

It's hard, I know. But it eventually works. He'll leave you alone.

Hell, lock yourself into a bathroom or supply closet if that's the only way you can get away from that overbearing blowhard. Wait a while and come out and ask gently, "Are you done yet?" If this triggers another tirade, keep a paper trail. Tell your dad you're looking for another job because you just can't take it any more, that your uncle's bullying is not only affecting your work but your health, because it sounds like it is.

Then do it.

Remember, this will go on only as long as you allow it to go on. If it means leaving your dad's company, so be it. However, I sincerely doubt it will mean that.

No one should have to put up with that type of browbeating at work whether or not it's from a relative or a relative of the boss. It's just not worth it.

You cannot argue with them, but maybe you can ask him not to be an asshole (word it better) in front of you. I am with you, though, because I get to a point that anger takes over. I hope you get to a point that you can just dismiss him as a crazy person.

I think it would be nearly impossible not to shout at that awful man...

If I were you, I would tell him to get the hell out of YOUR office.

And get your dad to back you up on this.

Your uncle, as you already know, is poisonous and to be avoided.

What a sick SOB.

I'm sorry you have to deal with him at all...

We're always polite. We always try to get the morons to understand why (racism/bigotry/misogyny/etc) is so fundamentally flawed. They won't listen. They CAN'T listen. If they hear it, and take it to heart, then they are bad people. And since the people they watch on TV (Dobbs/O'Reilly) or listen to on the radio or read online or in papers all tell them they're right, they can't possibly be wrong.

It never works. It ends in frustration for you, and you feel bad. They won't feel bad for 2 seconds.

It's that much worse when the person is so vehemently anti-immigration and their whole lifestyle depends on it.

Sorry you had to deal with that. I have certain topics that I can't even go near with friends. I have a friend who was rational, but not hateful. 9/11 happened, and he went so far off the deep end, that our conversation topics have been limited to technology.

We got into such a shouting match one time that I was afraid that he was going to call homeland security on me. Something along the lines of him yelling "You can't tell me that those people in Iraq are freedom fighters!" I was trying to show him how stupid it is to call somebody in their own home an insurgent. The "What if our streets were being patrolled by some other country, how would you feel" bit didn't work at all.

It sucks.

luckily he lives in New England and i live in SW Florida and we don't work together!

My uncle and aunt (she is my moms sister) have two sons who both run a part of their family business. The older of my cousins is very liberal and progressive but the younger who is a few years older than i am actually collects and reads everything Ann Coulter writes! Now i love my cousins AND my uncle but i have learned to keep discussions very light and not get political because it is rather pointless, at the end of the day. My older cousin and i have had lengthy conversations on the political point of view shared by his brother and dad and we both agree that it is best to avoid those types of subjects at all costs.

There is just no shifting some people.

You have my sympathies for your rather rough day.

It is a form of Blasphemy. "I know God's mind regarding _______________ and it is my responsibility to see that everyone conforms to the ultimate truth about ________________ and to punish them if they don't."

They do not perceive complimentarity between "opposed" truths. The whole world is either "I" or "not-I".

Grow a set.

People like that push until they get what they want so they can feel superior. Your uncle is a bully. If it makes you feel any better you could jot him a little not apologizing for your outburst but in the same sentence letting him know that does not mean that you are sorry for what you said. You might want to work in something about mature discussion and NOT AT MY OFFICE while you're at it.

Just a thought.

It's a really good idea to figure out a way to deflect his bs, to shut it down so that it won't ruin your day.

Let him find some other target to project all over, hopefully an inanimate one.

:hug:

Your uncle is an asshole. But your father, if he is in charge, is responsible for the workplace environment.

He deserved a good verbal lashing.