Dear Freepers, October 2008

I know that in the past we have not gotten along. We call you 'morans.' You call us 'commie faggets who need killin.' Gosh (gentle laugh) we've disagreed on almost EVERYTHING haven't we. From whether gays should be allowed to marry to whether gays should be shot execution-style. From whether creation to be taught in schools to whether 'atheistic science peoples' should be shot execution-style. From whether abortion should be kept safe and legal to whether abortion clinics should be all blowed up. We have different opinions on economics, too. For instance, we think workers have a right to unionize to protect their interests and you think that union activists are mob-connected commies who ought to be shot execution-style. We think health care should be universal and you think that things are fine the way they are, that the solution to health care is to kill the poor execution-style. The softies among you, though, just want to work them to death. We also disagree on the way. We want to end the war; you want to nuke the entire Middle East, North Korea, Venezuela, and France. As you say in that delightfully funny patois of yours, "Turn them sand-n****** into glass!"

We have so very many differences, but I must reach out to you in the spirit of bipartisanship. Let's reach a middle ground. Somewhere in between gay marriage and kill-the-faggets. Somewhere in-between intelligent design being taught in science classes and intelligent design not being taught in science classes. Somewhere in between abortion being legal and abortion not being legal. Somewhere between pulling out of Iran and moving into Iran.

Our candidate would like us to come to a consensus with you. And if you will not speak to us or budge from your murderous ideals, we'd like to speak to the Republicans that you've disenfranchised, the ones who haven't turned Democrat yet. You know...the rich ones. Can you pass this message to them?

Dear Rich Republicans, October 2008

In the spirit of bipartisanship, we'd like to have a word with you. In the past, we have not gotten along so well. But things are not working out so well for you because you actually do like abortion and you aren't really interested in gay marriage debates at all. You believe science is important and you value a classical education. If we could band together we could over-power the freepers and create a party that smashes that sort of attitude.

I suppose we'll have to compromise on the issues we do disagree on. We don't like the war, but you love it because you're raking in the billions! We support unions, you spend millions of dollars to suppress them. We want open media, you control the media for your benefit. But we'd like to compromise because we need bipartisanship!

I understand that you won't pull out of Iraq because it's just too lucrative. I also understand that you want to rape areas that have been devastated by disaster. Our position is that we'd like you to stop. Your position is that you'd like to expand into new, more lucrative wars. I have a perfect bipartisan solution! We won't ask you to stop: you can have Iraq and New Orleans as your playground, but that's it. What? No good? Gosh, well okay. Don't you want to be bipartisan too? Oh you do! Great! Well then how about unions! We know that you want to crush workers rights and you know we don't want to be crushed. How about you crush us a little less? Maybe? Did you really say maybe?! Great! I'll take that as a YES because I know I can trust you--you are educated and eloquent and you don't carry weapons. You're staid and a little pudgy and you wear sweaters. You look very safe. You don't look dangerous at all. What about good health care? No deal? It's just a slippery-slope to full-blown communism, you say. Well, alright. Maybe I'll talk to the fundamentalists about that. Maybe we can find some common ground...

Dear Republican Fundies, October 2008

I realize that most of you who are amenable to working with us are working with us already, but our candidate is really, really into this bipartisanship thing. It's our great hope that we can heal the divides between us. We know many of you are distressed about the economy. We also know that many of you care about the environment and oppose the war. Many of us are also religious people. We are Catholics. (Oh, you don't like Catholics, sorry.) We are (cough) Jews? I'm sorry? Can I repeat? Nevermind. We are also Protestant, some of us are even evangelical! See, we've reached common ground already.

Okay for starters I know you're not into abortion. So let's see if we can find common ground on that. Some of us are willing to trade D&C, what you call "partial-birth abortion" for a little American unity. That say you? Oh, you want Roe v. Wade overturned? No, no that's not on the table. Gosh, you guys drive a hard bargain. Okay let's move onto the gays. We've always been willing to compromise on them. This should be easy. How about we don't move forward on civil unions, but we overturn DOMA. No good, hmmmm. Okay, we don't move forward on civil unions, you don't try to push a Constitutional Amendment. What? IT'S A Deal? GREAT OUR FIRST DEAL! I'm so relieved. This bipartisanship thing might really work out! How about ENDA--without the transgendered, of course. No, no, no drag queens and bulldykes. (Laugh) I know, they make me uncomfortable too! No ENDA, huh? But these people gotta have someplace to work. You can' t just be allowed to fire them without reason or refuse to hire them. Let them work at those hairdresser jobs they're so good at, is that what you said? Oh, sorry I misunderstood. You said let them all move to San Francisco. Well, it's not that big of a city and it's expensive. Well, no, Republican Fundie, they're not all rich. Oh I'm wrong? Now, Republican Fundie.... I'm going to stand firm on this one. If we can't reach a consensus on anything else, let's reach a consensus on this: think what you like, but you cannot make me say that all gay people are rich. Can we agree on that? Good. This is really working out. Now can we talk about science in schools? Your idea of bipartisanship is to teach Design and Evolution side-by-side so the students can choose. Well I am deeply moved by buzzwords like freedom and choice, but it seems like a waste of time and tax dollars. That's it? Take it or leave it?

Okay. I'll take it.

2009

I love this new era, this new era of hope and change. I'm sure that through bipartisanship, things are going to turn out fantastic for America. I'm really getting the hang of it. I am a little bothered though because nothing has changed other than Fox News is a little less mean to us and freepers are less rabid. They're talking about imprisonment and round-ups rather than execution-style killings. I'm still glad the Rich Republicans don't give them what they want, though! Those Richies are too smart for that. They didn't honor their word, though. I'm so sad! They seemed so nice and educated and reasonable! But they are still fighting us tooth and nail on union issues and worker's rights. I suppose the march to war in Iran has slowed considerable and that's a big economic hit to them. And we have agreed that some people might consider waterboarding torture under some circumstances. President O. has really put his foot down on order torture, though. He doesn't do it ever. Man, the Freepers constantly freak out about that. It's a big risk for him to take politically. Gay rights aren't going backwards at least. They're not going forwards either.

But what else can we do? What? Do what we want when we have the office? But that'd be PARTISAN! And Americans don't like partisan politics! That's why so few people were Republican when the Republicans controlled everything. That's why everyone loved and respected the Democratic Congress of 2006-2008.

It's a real shame about those two seats we lost this time. I blame those moonbat radical leftists for overreaching. Progress moves slowly. Very, very slowly. Sometimes it moves so slowly you can't even tell which way you're moving, sometimes it might seem like you're not moving at all. But it's got a nice narcotic feeling to it. Like everything's going to be okay at some point in the future. We are constantly in the state of hope. I'm not even bothered by the fact that the Republicans are regrouping. I hear they're going to attack again. But they'll never win. The American people don't like partisan politics. They never did and they never will.