DU women (and men), how do YOU control tears in professional situations?

Here's what I learned at a seminar for women professionals:

Curl your hands into fists. Dig your fingernails into your palm until you feel the discomfort. It will dispel the emotion bringing on the tears.

Do men ever get this advice? My gut feeling is no, but it would be interesting to find out.

They are better at clamping down their emotions from an early age. Usually anger is the result.

the men in my family (obviously NOT conditioned that way, lol) are much more likely to tear up than am I.

they just keep flowing :rofl:

when I'm tired and beat down, I find it hard not to tear up a little bit.

That's usually not in a "professional" situation. I found it happened when I felt I was being treated unjustly or singled out for criticism when others, too, might well deserve it...

when you're feeling vulnerable.

the solution to those pesky female emotions is literally to inflict pain on yourself. Just. Wow.

This is very disturbing to me.

Crying is something I do with every emotion when it is felt very strongly. I can't make myself cry and I have never thought of my tears as a sign of weakness...annoying at times because my face gets wet, but not weak.

If I want to hide the signs of my intense emotion from others, I simply leave the room. Clawing myself is not an option.

:hi:

:hi:

I have witnessed both a man and a woman cry during a meeting because of the intense pressure on them. For both of them, their leadership credibility went directly in the toilet. No one was impressed that they were "real people" because that isn't what we needed at that time.

I'd feel like I was giving someone else power over me.

Right or wrong, it's how I feel.

There are many people in positions of power/authority (and a lot who aspire to these positions) who look for weaknesses. When they see vulnerability, they exploit it immediately without remorse.

Played many. Luckily, it's the end of the ceremony that gets me and I'm rarely required to play the recessional. When I greet the happy couple with tears in my eyes, wishing them a lifetime of good fortune, I get a hug, kiss, "That was so beautiful, thank you!" and cash in an envelope.

I don't think crying in a professional situation whether you are a man or a woman, in a position of authority, is a good thing. You're totally right about their credibility.

I should say though that it depends on the situation. I remember a boss of mine, great guy, who cryed at work when he found out his father had died. He apologized and left for the day. We all felt really bad for him, but it didn't affect our opinion of him. It probably increased it if anything.

It's one thing to cry if you've been injured, or something insane happens...like on 9/11 a female higher up at the company I was working at started crying as we listed on the one radio we had when Peter Jennings confirmed that the first tower had collapsed. Nobody held that against her at all.

Breaking down under pressure because of work though is bad. Why? Dunno, but it is. Probably because it makes someone look incompetent, as if they dont' know what to do.

I have never seen anybody male or female start crying

It's annoying and I normally get pissy with them.
LOCK IT UP. Your embarrasing yourself.

and never lost status as a result. Though I am thinking of professionals, this is in the non profit world where there may be a different standard.

profession because emotion is seen as normal, human - lack of it would likely raise eyebrows!

But if this is about Hillary "crying"
1) She didn't
2) I don't believe it was genuine only because Hillary has shown her stuff for quite a few years - YEARS - and this is entirely new. Also politically beneficial to "soften" her image.

during sad moments. Many nurses pride themselvs on holding it together professionally. I only saw one or two of my colleagues lose their composure, overall.

I work in healthcare as well and crying is not an option. People are counting on healthcare workers to hold it together when the shit goes down.

pride themselves on their professionalism and when the chips are down that really is a test. It hasn't meant they aren't compassionate; it is just that they have a job to do and they are determined to do it and do it well. It's got to be a hard job to do...

That happened when my dog was dying of cancer. I wasn't particularly proud, but there it is (was). I am human, big whoop.

Control your breathing, you control your thought. When you control your thought, you don't necessarily get control over what you feel, but you have much better control over how you respond to it.

I'm not a woman that cries when I get upset.
I cry at milestones- the birth of a child, babies first steps, watching them grow etc.
And I cry at movies sometimes. But I would NEVER cry in front of people I wasn't totally comfortable with.

but even men get choked up when they are passionate about a cause

And all her descendants are pretty similar.

As I've gotten older I've relaxed about it some and have found a well timed tear to be very advantageous.

... and I've been in some pretty stressful work situations, but I don't recall ever tearing up in a work environment.

I'm not in love with my job or my coworkers, so there just isn't enough at stake to cry about it.

If you don't care that much, then no. But I worked for "causes" all my professional life (I am retired now) and they always meant a lot to me personally...

just kidding.

what a bizarre question. Just like the line from "a league of their own", "there's no crying in business if your're male. period. Any admission or act of any emtion except anger is seen as weak, and you get culled from the herd.

I'm not saying that's a good thing, I'm saying that's the way it is.

Personally, I cry at movies, which makes my wife happy for some reason, but not something I'd share with male coworkers.

I think the female presenter at the seminar meant well; she was obviously trying to help other women cope with tears, because she agreed with your basic premise. Extreme circumstances demand extreme solutions sometimes...

any admission of "weakness" on a man' part in a business situation works against you.
I recall I once admitted to be a little nervous about public speaking to a superior, and from that point on I was basically shoved to the side.

He seeks out sad films, and I think it's because that's the only time he allows himself to cry. He's lucky to have that release. I have seen far too many good men devoured alive by their anger for lack of it.

Damn. This thread is making me tear up.

I have had to leave for a while and come back later for fear of giving the people who were stressing me out the tongue-lashing of their lives, or worse. That hasn't happened very often, though, thank goodness.

I figure that if a person, whether male or female can laugh in a professional environment, get angry in a professional environment, chide co-workers in a professional environment, tell jokes in a in a professional environment, flirt in a professional environment, then it seems crying is fair game too.

My boss (male) cried the day his father died. No one thought any less of him-- and I imagine a few of my co-workers allowed him even greater credibility after that. I cried the day after I had put my dog/best friend to sleep. I remember the entire office floor welling up during the morning or Sept. 11 some years back. However, I'm sure there are many, many people who apply the prudish Victorian standard of sexuality to people for showing emotion in an office.

People will make rash and negative judgments of a person for showing even mere hints of tearful emotion, wanting us rather to act like automatons in the workplace (oddly enough-- the people who would have us act like automatons are often the first ones to label some one else an Authoritarian for showing a receipt... just an odd little bit of irony there).

So my short answer is: I don't try to control my tears. It seems like it would be merely a matter of degrees between that and an active attempt to suppress and deny one's own emotions..

I have cried with bosses, clients, employees, you name it. If, however, I was crying due to the boss's actions, I would leave the building first.

BTW, not referring to a big blubbeering boo-hoo, but tears? Sure. Only human.

I have worked around some extremely tough cookies. The treatment Hillary received during the debate pales in comparison to the way I have been bullied in the work place. And here's the strange thing: the person who was the absolute best at bullying to get his way actually liked me.

I developed several techniques to utilize when this bad behavior started. I eventually go so good at parrying his obnoxious behavior, he would simply walk away after I uttered my response. This is a person who has achieved a high degree of success in Washington, D.C. and has done so through not only his smarts, education and obvious intelligence, but he has honed to a science the art of bullying and getting his way as a result. The only tool I had in my tool bag to deal with this was that I had worked with comparable personalities over the years, each progressively worse than the last, but when I met him, I hit the big-time in the bullying arena. And no, I did not know what I was getting into.

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Crying does absolutely nothing to deflect another round of bad behavior soon coming your way. Standing one's ground and confronting the obvious baseness of such behavior and deflecting in a manner which makes the bullying backfire into the offender's face works miracles.

Lastly, but not least, I have a rule which I coughed up for my daughter when she was four years old. She came home from school crying about a little boy picking on her and how she wanted to respond. She did not respond as her gut told her to do, but began crying and walked away. I suddenly heard myself saying "never allow someone else's bad behavior to cause you to behave badly." About four years ago, I found myself in an extremely difficult situation, and when I discussed the problem with my now grown daughter, she suddenly offered up this advise! So, I never embarrass myself by behaving badly when confronted by someone who does, BUT I also never cry. I meet them on their own terms in ways that preserve the reputation I have worked so hard to build over the last 20 years. No bully will take that away from me.

Needless to say, I am repeatedly appalled at the implication that voters of New Hampshire swung over to vote for Hillary Clinton at the last moment because of some sort of sympathy they felt for her being politically gang-banged by the combo Edwards/Obama treatment during the debates. If voters choose to act on emotion rather than issues, this 2008 election season is likely to spiral into a disaster.

It was a clear enough pattern of age discrimination to me. I was actually attacked on my strongest abilities, which I now know was meant to attack my self confidence and make me have doubts about myself. Instead of crying, I got mad. I think as I get older and wiser I can call them the way I see them. I'm not nearly as vulnerable. Now I am doing just fine. Ya know what, living well is the best revenge!

Make the employee feel badly about themselves; destroy their self-esteem. I don't allow anyone to pull that one on me any more either. I have a more self-confidence now than I did 20 years ago, and that's because I know who I am.

Sounds to me like you too have grown a little wiser, and that in itself makes one live a little better. Congratulations to you.

will, if they live long enough, be in the same boat in a few short years. They all think that they will always be valued for their wonderful qualities. What I know and you know is that someone younger will come along and do to them what they did to you. It truly is a "what goes around, comes around" type of thing.

so curling my hands into fists might have dispelled my emotion and my employment at the same time. :P

Same here. I was balling my hands into fists but not to stop the emotion. Thankfully it finally motivated me to quit and go freelance. Best thing I ever did. Oh and telling boss off in no uncertain terms in front of everyone was the most satisfying moment I had on years. :)

I don't mind crying. Sometimes it's how I find my own voice.

:shrug:

I get EXTREMELY PISSY, especially when all people are talking at once in meetings. Ugh! It just blows all my circuits. Fortunately, I have learned to shield it better. However, earlier in my career I teared up a time or two. In those cases I would mostly leave the room. Thank heavens for conference calls and coworkers who can cover for you. Nowadays I don't give a shit enough to cry. I am thankful every day that I have grown a thick, thick skin. Although I may have turned into a tough old bird, it's nice be a bit more insulated. After all, you wanna eat, you gotta work. :D

twice in the last 20 or so years. It's just not an issue for me, I'd rather chew glass than cry at work so I've never had to go the fingernails trick.

I've worked with criers before (including one woman who I am NOT kidding bunged on the waterworks at least once a week) and it's really not professional. If it's a one off or something truly awful has happened you can get away with it but in any other situation it's just not done.

Men probably get the advice less often because they tend to cry a lot less often.

A lot of women cry because they're angry but society doesn't like angry women so they mutate every expression of anger/annoyance into sobbing because a crying woman is OK and angry woman isn't.

Put the tissues down and pick a baseball bat instead!