I tried tried to kill myself

It was suggested I post this here and not just in the lounge. Maybe it will help somebody.


in August. I took 200 2.5 milligrams of Xanax. For your information - one doesn't die from a
Xanax overdose.


I woke up in the hospital when they were shoving a tube up my nose.

This is very difficult for me to post, but I want to let everyone here know that it's not shameful to have gone through this.

When I tried it, I thought it wouldn't hurt anyone. Truly. I thought my partner, my brothers, my twin sister, my parents, my friends... wouldn't think twice about it. I know, it sounds weird now.

I never wanted to hurt anybody. I thought I would relieve pain for myself and others. I was wrong.


So for those who are thinking like I was... please call somebody. Get some help. You ARE valued by others, no matter how hard it seems.

For those who have suffered from the effects of thoughts like mine, you have my deepest compassion.

For those who laugh at people like me, you can go.... well, you know how it ends.

and glad you came over from the lounge....the recommendations here have to validate you! hugs!

:hug:

Stay with us. I would miss seeing the Angry Monkey Avatar

"you can't go! all the plants will die!" Bill Murray as John Winger in Stripes.

Thank you for sharing your story!

Don't try to leave us again, okay?

It was very courageous, honest, and generous of you to share all this.

:hug:

Everyone at DU would feel like shit too.

Thanks for the post- important words indeed.

...glad you're still here!

I am happy for you and wish you the best. Self destructive behavior hurts the ones who love you most, and I'm glad you recognize you are loved. hope your message helps others.

but I can't. Just hold onto her as well as you can.

life is looking better or at least easier. It is not easy for many to understand unless they have experienced the depths of despair that one can reach. Peace to You.

get to a safe place. We love him dearly.

In praise of what persists.

:hug:

:hug:

He's very independent and the hospital guys try to bump you out, or, they seem to do that here, anyway.

But tonight, he's safe. He'll get some testing and some rest and the family has made a circle around him.

Many of our families are trying to figure this out. Thank you.

good for your family. They sound like solid people.

:hug:

Thank you

May Peace comfort you in the midst of every moment

:grouphug: :hug:

I'm so glad you're still with us. No, it's not shameful. I've gone through some things in the past 5 years that I never thought I would and, at first, felt shame about. But I learned to accept myself, and, in turn, accept others who go through similar experiences.

and thought you had no other options. I'm very relieved that you are okay. From what I understand, people who have survived an attempt is, that in 6 months, they have gotten over wanting to not be here. So people give it at least more 6 months and you'll wonder what you were ever thinking. I'm not trying to be glib. I've had my times when I've felt that low and that everyone would be better off without me. Call someone! And when people start talking about it, they are thinking about it, and they might just try it. That's why professionals start asking if the person has a plan. Having a plan in mind is a huge clue that somebody is serious. Thanks for posting such a personal story. It couldn't have been easy and might just help another person in the same predicament.

2 of my college roommates were successful and it will always haunt me.

I do understand the 'belief' that it will make everything better. If I had been older and a bit wiser I might have been able to stop one of them.


She finally 'did it' at 34 years old - 3 days after her son's 18th b-day.



Her pain was palpable for years... we all saw it and tried to help. The 3 Dr's she was seeing 'helped' her much more. She was taking 8 different psychotropics for months before she bought a gun, drove into the snowy Sandia Mountains and killed herself (less than 8 hours between purchase and act).


I'm venting my own issues here.... sorry.


I do understand the pain, but only in the peripheral way that one not experiencing it can. I kept her son for months at a time, gave her $$$.

I could never help where it really mattered.

If people knew that there IS a way out of that tunnel, maybe they wouldn't inflict the pain they do, unintentionally.

Very glad.

Glad you are still with us.

I'm glad you failed and I wish you the best.

I hope you feel better.

...it is a very unselfish and meaningful gesture -- thank you, and best to you.

Wishing you healing and joy

I'm glad we will both live to a ripe old always Democratic and grumpy natural passing.

My mother committed suicide 2 weeks after I graduated from high school. That was over 30 years ago now and have long accepted it and come to an understanding of why she did. Unfortunately, they didn't have the medications then that they do today that deal with acute depression and boy are they a godsend.

My youngest son went through a spell of acute depression after his older brother died. Not only was I trying to survive the trauma of losing a son, but was on the verge of losing another one because of his death. They were extremely close and all Colin wanted to do was die, his pain was so deep and he just wanted it to stop. It was touch and go for several months which eventually lead to him being committed to a state hospital after his mental health insurance coverage was used up. Fortunately, it was an excellent facility...much better than the private hospital we were putting him in and they were able to find an anti-depressant that worked. Now, he recognizes the signs of depression and takes the pills when necessary. So far, they have been remarkably effective for him...he's happily married now and has a little boy and another on the way.

After going through that experience, in my odd little way of healing...I spoke to several school assemblies in my area to talk to the students about the effects of suicide for surviving family members. As you say, most who are suicidal are not cognitively capable of understanding how it devastates the entire family. Today, Colin looks in horror at the spell he went through and still apologizes for what we all had to go through. I'm still trying to convince him that it made us all stronger, and more importantly, closer than ever before. :hug:

I'm so sorry. Nobody should ever have to endure that. Thank you so much for your efforts. Whether you know it or not, you have saved lives - and I love you for that.

It was by far the toughest time of our lives but we're all fine now and much closer than we ever thought possible. Life is just so precious and suicide is always a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There is help for most people and I encourage anyone of even having thoughts of ending their lives, to seek help. Take care my friend and thank you again.

Thank you for sharing.

And, thank you Monkey for sharing as well.

also had her mother commit suicide shortly after her graduation from high school. I can only imagine how devastating it is to go through that loss at a time that is usually one of looking to the future and celebration. I met this friend while she was still dealing with her loss. She carried a lot of anger for years afterward, not only for her mother taking her life, but for the terrible consequences it had on her father and his treatment of her after the suicide. She finally, too, came to an understanding of her mother.

I can think of few tragedies more difficult to heal from than the suicide of a loved one, particularly a daughter or son. I'm glad your son was able to get the care he needed to overcome his deep depression.

:hug:

Stay with us. When I faced a similiar situation (no attempt, just strong thoughts) I asked myself, since you have nothing to lose, what would you do with your life if you didn't care about the outcome? Well, I thought, I always wanted to be an artist. Don't have the talent, or anything, just the ability to create art is something I admire. So, I bought a set of drawing pencils and ended up becoming an award winning portrait artist - lack of "talent" notwithstanding.

good for you!

right now I'm staying alive to see Hillary Clinton become President and watch GD-P explode.

you'll be alive for many more years!

Interestingly, I had been wondering over the past week how you were doing because you weren't posting over there as much.

I am glad your suicide didn't work.

I went through a time when I considered suicide. I had the same thought. "If I am willing to give up everything, then what can I do instead of checking out? Obviously, I can do anything." I completely changed my life - for the better.

and open up yourself for everybody to see. A lot of people do care and in your case it's plain to see that you have a lot of people who love you. I've suffered from depression all my life and the medication I'm on now has changed my life.

I hope you are getting the help you need and remember---you are NOT alone! :hug:

Sure makes all that other stuff seem pretty trivial, doesn't it? I've been where you were at. Couldn't see the point in carrying on. I had been writing this story and it had become redundant. Thought I would "self-edit".

I can understand the calm that comes over people when they attempt suicide. All the confusion of life pushed aside for that one question. And when you answer it, it all seems so clear. "Tomorrow, I will not wake up."

Ultimately, I couldn't do it. I failed to make it "perfect". I had failed that as I had failed everything else. Or so I thought. When I came to realize everything was not my fault, that I was not a bad person, I felt like the anchor tied to my leg and dragging me under had been cut free, and I was shooting toward the surface. I was absolutely euphoric. That didn't last long, however. Now, I was treading water in the middle of the ocean, trying to find somewhere to go.

After the complete nervous breakdown, I started to put myself together. Better, this time. I had support from my friends, and that helped a lot. In retrospect, it made me a stronger person. I do still admire the focus I had during that time, though. Suffering allows for great art.

thank you.

You've got an opportunity to start over. This is your story. Write it the way you would like it to be.

Thank you for sharing your story ... I'm sure it will help another who feels alone in their pain.

I hope you are feeling much better these days. :pals:

Anybody who would make fun of someone over it is a piece of shit.

For those that think that it won't affect anyone or that their loved ones would not be affected you are wrong. There is always hope. never give up. seek help because times change and you are loved. Thanks for sharing. There are always those in pain that need reminding not to give up and seek help. :hug:

Best wishes to you.

And my warmest wishes to you. Never give up hope and always remember that you are loved. :huh:

I love you. I have never seen you before, but I love you.

Shot himself. His family - wife, children, step children, even the grandchildren he never knew are still dealing with the after-effects of his suicide.

I was there with his wife when we found his body. It's safe to say I will never be the same person again. My young children were with me. Though I managed to keep them from seeing the body I know it had a big impact on them. They still remember with amazing detail some of the events - even feared at 6- and 8-years-old that the police would blame it on us and hid all the toy guns from the toy box.

My BIL was a good man. He loved my kids like they were his own grandkids. I think about him often, about that day, about why he did what he did and all the things he's missed out on since.

You're right, Marnieworld, suicide effects so many more people. There is always hope even on those seemingly unending days when it feels hopeless.

Never give up!

47 years and counting. It helps to be obstinate. Oh, and a procrastinator.

:)

:hug:

"Why do today what you can put off till tomorrow" are words to live by. Sometimes literally.

It helps to have a dark sense of humor, and a loved one who shares it. When you don't know whether to laugh or cry, laugh.

I was put into a state of overwhelming depression by MSG. Laughing didn't even seem to be a possibility.

Didn't know why. Had not hit my head lately, hadn't lost a loved one, thought I was eating alright and getting plenty of sleep etc.

Dr. Betty Martini, a woman I needed for a research paper happened to call me up to answer questions about NutraSweet (another Depression causing wonder in many foods.)

For whatever reason , she said "I am sick and tired of talking about NutraSweet - could we discuss MSG today."

She began listing all the many health risks that MSG presented. I said in response, "I am horribly depressed lately, but I know I'm not eating any MSG."

She made me put down the phone and go and get a sample of the packaged foods in my house - things in cans, frozen foods, p
MSG was in everything I brought back to the phone table. The words MSG were not used on the label, as industry knows enough to avoid using those words. Instead, modified food starch, "Spices" natural flavoring were employed as substitute words. (MSG is derived from, a fermented soy product, and so it can be called "Natural" and a "Food flavoring" and a "spice.")

One give away on a food label is if the label lists a lot of legitimate spices, say, garlic, oregano, salt, pepper, paprika, and then adds "spices." The only reason they would add spices, after listing all those real spices, is to take account of the MSG.

I stopped eating packaged food. Started making my own bread and cookies.

Depression went away on its own within a week and never returned. I have always felt that the phone call from MArtini saved my life.

that I can't even get around to procrastinating about.

I think you must be me in stereo...whenever I get depressed I don't put on a happy face, I just bitch (more) lol

really loved took a bottle of pills that worked, and a good friend of mine put a bullet through his head.

They weren't he only ones, but these are the ones that stay with me in my nightmares. And their families remain in denial-- will never use that "S" word. It's as though they think these tormented people brought shame onto their families, or maybe they are obsessed with guilt over what they might not have done to help.

Most of us have had short periods of depression or seeming hopelessness at times. And most of us come out of it just fine. But some of us have had that moment of "clarity" how easy and sensible it would be to just walk away from life. And some suffer from mental or physical disease, making these thoughts even darker.

Well, you found out it just ain't that easy or sensible, and you found out in time. Goodonya for that, and I wish you well doing whatever it takes to stay here on the planet for a good long time.

The pain to the people left behind is unbelieve. I hope you can find some help to get you through.
If you can, try to remember that everything is temporary. All things pass. love to you.

a brother, killed himself several years ago. I, we--his family were devastated. Depression is a horrid thing. Thank god we now know it can be the result of brain chemistry run amok and can be treated.

Rest in peace, John Mayer.

:hug:

This is how I was going to do it. I'm glad you didn't die. I hope you are getting the counseling and support system you need.

Pretty please?

:pals:

I am glad you are here.

I'll have my teenage daughters read your post....you never know when they'll feel that despair and have to pull out some ref on coping.

I always love seeing a post from you... even I, a perfect stranger, would be diminished by your loss.

Thank you so much for baring your soul this way. Even among friends that's a brave thing to do.

:hug:

Don't ever try anything like that again. You are beautiful inside and out. And I'm glad that you now know how much it would wound those who love you. Even strangers.

Thanks for this courageous sharing. Who knows who you may have helped????

:hug:

Take care.

Many years ago...

I suppose we have have much more to accomplish before we go.

Peace.

I too tried to overdose last October (took about 30 Benadryl tablets), and have since been diagnosed with depression, and am on meds and in therapy, and I can't tell you how glad I am that it didn't succeed. The depths that depression can take you to are not fun, and no rational thought processes can get you out of it. And I've come to realize that it's not a weakness to ask for help, death is not the answer, and there is hope.

Brave post, Monkey, and thanks very much for bringing this subject out in the open. It's important.

Edited for spelling

& had thoughts of suicide. I got help & took Prozac for a few months each time & the depression lifted.
Thankfully, I have not had any recurrence in the past three years. Depression is a dangerous condition & not a fault. It is an actual medical condition & can be greatly minimized via various medications.

I'm glad you're still here.

hear?

:hug:

This place would not be the same without you.

And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Don

but good on you. My sister attempted suicide in July of this year,it was the most painful experience my family has ever been through(and,like all families,we've been though a lot).Nothing funny about it.

:grouphug:

Just like MrsG's post in the Lounge.

:pals: -- even if we don't always agree on stuff.

Tell Haruka I said Hi and I'm sorry.

:kiss:

I'm glad you're here with us. :pals:

and sharing your story with us.

This will hopefully help others. Thanks for your forthrightness and caring for people.

:hug:

:hug:

you are feeling less depressed now and are getting help.

It takes great courage to ask for help, but is so worth it! I have learned to deal with depression by telling myself, "it's only chemicals in my brain messing with my head". When I can manage to hold that thought, it actually does get easier to survive it.

Your post showed great courage!:applause: I'm sure it likely helped someone speak up rather than suffer in silence.

Hang in there!

:hug:

I'm glad you're still here. We may disagree on some things, but DU is a better place because of you. :hug:

I also suffer from chronic major depression, so I know how dark things can get. Please, always remember that things WILL get better. They will not always be as dark as they seem now. If you have thoughts of trying to kill yourself, remember that depression causes distorted thinking. The distorted thinking is what's causing you to want to do that. Get help right away. Reach out to someone you care about, and ask them to help keep you safe from yourself. And get to a hospital or doctor right away. Depression is treatable. But untreated, it can be deadly.


:grouphug:

That's the message I want to get out - somebody loves you, even if you don't realize it. You're not thinking right - find someone who can help you get better.

Thanks for your post.

I had the same thoughts after I lost my 19 year old daughter a few years back. It has been a rough road and continues to be at times. My family is really fucked up and weren't there for me. Without my other daughter and husband I don't know if I would have made it. We had each other and continue to be strong for one another.
So glad you are still here. I don't know you, but I know that I like you and that we have shared some of the same feelings along this journey called life. :hug:

:hug:

that you can possibly live in, and that is today. Yesterday is dust, tomorrow is but a dream.

Go out on clear night and look long and hard at the stars that are above your head and just know MonkeyFunk, it all has meaning. You may not understand it, and that's OK, but just know it.

you've made me laugh. I'm so sorry to learn that underneath some of that you were really hurting.

I'm glad your attempt failed, and glad to know you're feeing better today.

Thank you for reaching out to help others in need.

It took a lot of courage to post this.

Kudos, my friend!

:hug: :yourock:

'Surviving America's Depression Edipemic' and the author, Bruce Levine, states that over 2,000 suicides are attempted daily in the U.S.

I truly believe that our culture is trying to make us something we're not...and that's why so much depression and anger.

edit: for clarity

... you're about the nuttiest Hillary supporter I've met (or dang near close), but I'd be very saddened to think that you would ever leave the field of battle that is life, because you didn't know you are loved and cherished.

:hug:

- Dave

My mother committed suicide when I was 21. No meds in those days, just shock therapy, which she got several of, and which did nothing much except to mess up her short-term memory.

I myself went through a pretty major depression after returning from Vietnam, and while working on a PhD in psych (maybe in hopes of fixing myself?). I made no overt, recognizable suicide attempts, opting instead to poison myself slowly with alcohol. It took me years to pull out of that mess and create some semblance of a life for myself.

As maybe the responses to this thread show, there are a lot more people carrying private misery out here than you might guess. Being human is an immensely painful business, and the only help for it is what we give each other. I think that realization is, at base, what makes me a Democrat. The other side, by opting for a stingy and punitive orientation to life, deny themselves the comfort others have to offer just as surely as they deny solace to those others.
Jim

and I hope you find health and happiness, for you would surely be missed by more than just the people that know you personally.

Sid

You gotta always keep it on your mind that people DO care. In dark times its easy to justify, i know. "nobody's gonna mind" is just not ever true though. Post your troubles here and get some love!

how you really truly feel like you won't hurt anyone. I truly felt no one would care. It was amazing to see the hurt I inflicted on my family.

Thanks for this post.

:hug:

But the same is true of my brother and I don't love him any less. You mean so much to so many and we're all better people for knowing you here on DU and it wouldn't be the same here without you.

You are my brother, MonkeyFunk, and, I love you. We all do.

Thank you for the brave post.

I've been on the other side of the fence with my now ex-wife. I just couldn't take the third time, even though I knew it was her mental illness.

That was the lesson I've learned. I've learned it well.

A few years ago I took an entire bottle of clonazepam. BTW, clonazepam won't kill you either...fuck! What I learned by going through the health care system at that point is that nobody cares. The nurse told me I wasn't as important as the other patients because I'd tried to take my own life. She decided I was being non-cooperative and had two sheriff's deputies hold me down (I wasn't struggling) and gave me a shot. My doctor at the time cut off my medical care at the clinic, which meant I couldn't see my counselor anymore. My case was "too severe" for them to handle, so I didn't get the help I needed. The psychiatrist at the in-patient facility was a fundy and used religious code to tell me my problem was I didn't believe in Jesus.

So, after that, due to a bunch of asshole and bureaucratic red tape, I had no help at all. No one cared in this fucking county and no one cared on this fucking forum.

If I ever try it again (not planning to so don't "pseudo-worry"), no one will know in advance and I will make absolutely certain I will not survive the attempt.

Anytime I brought it up on this forum or asked for help in attaining medical care, my thread was locked. I still can't get decent psychiatric care because of bureaucratic red tape, but I wasn't allowed to even ask if someone could find a way for me to get the care I needed.

I've learned that people are far more concerned about covering their asses than they are about helping others. Democrats and other assorted "liberals" are the worst because they are hypocrites. At least the right-wingers practice what they preach.

No one gives a shit in the wind about what happens to me...or to you, either. Posts like this survive because they're sufficiently fluffy-happy...let's all sing Kumbayah, praise-a-lujah!

Maybe the saddest part of all is I'm starting to be OK with the fact that no one really gives a shit. Sometimes it still makes me sad. Other times I'm just as jaded as the rest of the world. When I first began to realize the truth, I was very hurt. It still hurts sometimes, but I'm learning to not care because that's the only way to make it through.

Rule number one: Trust no one.

you and I have been through a lot of the same crap, and we both have toxic family members who are of little to no help (I won't mention any problem I have to my mom because I'll only get a sermon on "trusting Jesus" if I do). America in general dosen't give a flying fuck for those who suffer from clinical depression-on that I also agree.We live in a callous and selfish "republicanized" nation. But a few of us around here who can relate to one another's struggles DO care. I've found that the only person ever willing to help me was...well, myself. I've spent endless hours researching treatments and devised my own, which works most of the time.I'm not saying that I don't have any good friends-I do. But only two of them have ever suffered from clinical depression themselves, so the rest just think I should "get over it" when I have self destructive thoughts. So yes, I understand your frustration, but there ARE those of us who care. :hug: :loveya:

i have been wondering for awhile where you went and if you were okay, as i had not seen any posts from you in a long while, unfortunately, much as i care, i was baffled to know what you could do in your situation, you have an exceptionally challenging situation with a non-supportive family and limited financial resources

i think sometimes when people feel helpless to offer anything useful, they don't know what to say, and it may come across as a lack of caring

i hope you still have your sweet birdies and that they are a comfort to you, their affection is without judgment

Posts asking for help are locked with the caveat that this forum is not set up for mental health care, please contact a mental health care person. I am sorry if you feel that means no one cares because they do.

can and have done for one another. He gave and he got back.

I am sorry if your threads were locked, I know that DU mods are not comfortable with anyone here giving medical advice. Perhaps that is why?

I care about you and have wondered how you are doing from time to time as I remembered you had a tough time for a while. I'm glad you stopped in.

I have to say it's not accurate to feel that no one cares.

I feel that depression is often thought related, and our outlook is our life. I think each of us needs a positive vision for our lives and without one we are aimless?

Here is a book recommendation from Amazon that is for sale used at less than $1.00
http://www.amazon.com/Rapid-Relief-Emotional-Distress-Clinically/dp/0449902498/ref=pd_sim_b_title_14

The book above has excellent reviews as well. Perhaps reading it would be helpful?

Wishing you peace and good health Ladyhawk...

in the brain. The chemical imbalance causes a person to feel down, unsocial, and unmotivated. They have no energy because of it. Pretty soon their life follows their mindset; their friends disappear because they are no longer "fun", their work suffers because they can't motivate themselves to excel, they become isolated because they just don't feel like being around anyone...so pretty soon life actually does suck and they have a non-medical reason for being depressed. People on the outside think "well hey, it's simple; just be more positive and the world will be brighter"! The thing is THEY CAN"T . It's like saying to a person with cancer "it's all in your mind. Stop thinking you have cancer and the tumor will disappear"! There is situational depression, which hits everyone a few times in their life (like when a loved one dies or a person gets divorced or fired), and there is clinical depression, which is a medical condition that about 20% of the population battles and it needs to be treated like any other medical condition. Diet, exercise, medication or other therapies will help, but happy talk will only make the person feel like a failure for not being able to smile away their tumor.

I have suffered from depression, in fact I took medication for it. And, I've used cognitive methods as well. CBT can and has changed brain chemistry and meds can assist in that process when needed. However, CBT is lasting and meds often help in the short term.

Here is more info: http://psychologyinfo.com/depression/cognitive.htm#cognitivefactors

I am not opposed to medication, nor do I suggest that anyone is to "blame" for their depression. What I do suggest is that we can empower ourselves if we learn how to think differently.

On edit, CT = Cognitive Therapy CBT = Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioural_therapy

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_therapy

that you might enjoy?

I'm registering now. :hi:

avails herself of every available opportunity.

She is not unloved.

Thanks MonkeyFunk, I agree. :hi:

HERE is the link > http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/

Sheesh!

my husband cared about me and our family. He couldn't help himself. You have to trust someone at some point. Every time I hear of this happening to someone else it makes me physically ill.

Please realize that.

~Laura

will help somebody - I'm sure of it.

http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/ It's free, and it's helpful from what I hear. :hi:

What you say about people being far more concerned about covering their asses than actually helping others is very true, especially among doctors.

You are valued and I am glad that you have a second chance. We never know what others are going through. You have explained your story beautifully. Peace and love, Kim

to say the least. I'd swallowed just about everything in the medicine cabinet. Then you get ARRESTED for doing it! I don't know if the same laws applied in your state, but I was handcuffed after I recovered and sent to a "facility". What did they do for me there? Why, they pumped me full of more pills, of course!

As far as it hurting other people; that depends on your situation, I guess. No one in my family EVER mentioned it to me. They visited me in the hospital, but only to ask why my sister may have been misbehaving so much recently (my teenage sister was always into trouble back then). My friends never said anything about it either. I guess it was just too taboo a subject back then. So no, I never felt that I hurt anyone other than myself, frankly .But like I said;everyone's situation is different.

In this country there really isn't any help for those that suffer from clinical depression. Drugs never helped me either. The only thing that did was this: www.alpha-stim.com .It would be nice if some candidates talked about the need for real mental health care in this country, especially in light of how many returning vets are committing suicide...but it's still a mostly taboo topic.

i was only familiar with doctor prescribed TENS for treatment of pain, during my long period of not having health insurance, my husband was loaned a friend's TENS device and he copied it cheaply (he's very good with hardware design) but i have not needed to use it for treatment of the pain for many years

it still isn't clear to me WHY this type of device would work but it was a big help to me at the time, after almost two decades of pain, i wonder if using the device for a couple years is part of the reason why i no longer have the pain, it was great at providing immediate temporary relief but i'm not sure if it was partly responsible for the pain not coming back any more or if that's just a coincidence

seems like an interesting area for research and i'm fascinated to learn that such devices may also be useful for depression

haven't really thought of those devices in years

but I've been a long-time victim of depression (off and on) my entire life, including when I was a child. A couple of years ago I was so, so down I was thinking seriously about suicide. I posted something in the Lounge in a response to a thread on depression. It was deleted! Talk about feeling less than worthless. I haven't been back to the Lounge since.

People who reach out, no matter in what form, should be shown compassion and understanding. Always know you have an understanding friend in me.

You ARE valued.

I volunteered on a suicide hotline for a very short while. Far to empathetic for that work, though I know its importance. My step brother topped himself when he was 16. There were no signs; he was not depressed in the slightest. He was goofing around with one of his grandfather's guns and accidentally shot someone through his bedroom window. He felt so bad, he wrote a quick note apologizing, then went into his closet and shot himself in the head. I had to help my dad clean up the mess... the cops only took away part of the bodily matter... we were finding it for months after. I'll never be the same, nor will my dad or my step-mother.

Good to know you get it and have moved past the pain.

Sometimes, there are no words.

It was a long time ago, but I'll never get over it.

I really didn't post for sympathy, but to let others know that if they kill themselves, they aren't the only one to lose.

Thanks for caring enough to say something nice... I really appreciate it.

:hug:

It sounds like you were a great support to your father and stepmother during that time.

:hug:

It was harder to walk away than to face the situation. My step-mother was a basket case... she laid on the bed and literally climbed the walls with her feet... over and over... he was her only child. I ran errands, like to the drugstore... she had to be sedated for several days and we thought she may need to be hospitalized to keep from hurting herself.

Horrible time. Just horrible. I'm stronger for the experience, and more tender hearted as well. I sometimes come off tough here on DU, but I'm not really.

:hi:

This could happen to anyone. I am so very, very sorry for what you went through.

I'm glad you're still here.

is still utterly devastated.

Thanks for your brave post, MonkeyFunk. :hug:

But Thank You for that post.

We may not see eye to eye on things, but you definitely have my respect for sharing this. I am very glad you didn't succeed.

No one deserves to be in that kind of pain, and believe it or not, I have stared into that same abyss more than once in my life. And I have lost friends to that abyss as well.

No one with a heart that knows compassion and humanity would DARE laugh at you.

You are valued, and you are loved.

we have to remember that politics is just politics. Life is something different.

I'm glad you still have yours.

And I hope it continues to get better.

:hug:

i hope you are feeling better now, it sounds like you are and that you are getting help that actually works

even today, i know people who have medication resistant problems, so i don't make any judgment about those people i've known who did choose suicide -- there are cases where the pain can't be fixed, i am glad to know that you are not such a case and i feel you have a good future ahead of you with your passion and abilities

We owe you. Thanks.

:kick:

and I wouldn't wish depression on anyone.:hug:

:grouphug:

I am proud, proud, proud to know you.

It is so surprising to me because you seem so strong, so certain of yourself, so filled with love for people that I always assumed you loved yourself. I now see that it wasn't always that way.

I hope to know you for a long time, so please never go back to that place again.

Hang in there
Depression is terrible You need help
I think if anything this is a cry for help
Hopefully you will get some

thank you.

:grouphug:

to do that even though I know it solves nothing. Whatever you had going on in this world, you have to deal with either here or in the next life. I am so glad that you're here. I don't know you but I love you because you are our brother, you are a countryman and a part of this world. The world needs all its people dealing with what they face as best they can and we all need to help each other and forgive and listen to each other. My dad and mom always said "I love you" before they went to bed every single day. This was the last words on their lips. Take nothing for granted with people. Don't believe they don't love you because they do. Ask anyone who had a suicide in their family. My cousin Marty is so missed but he couldn't be alone without his wife. Take care and I'm glad you're still here. :)

Me, too. A LOT of us, too, it looks like.
And I'm glad we were all unsuccessful.

My parents don't understand mental illness. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I actually had a screaming fight with them, because they just kept saying, "What do you have to be depressed about? Your life is good, and all these other people have bigger problems." I tried and tried to explain the chemical aspects of depression to them, but it just didn't get through. I went off my meds about a year after that - this was about 10 years ago.

The intervening years had been okay, but I just kept getting worse and worse. The low point was last summer, when I would drive home every day and wonder if it would just be easiest to drive off the side of the mountain road I take to get home. Before I took that any farther, I got myself to the doctor.

I'm on meds again, and thank goodness. My doctor calls to check up on me, to make sure I'm okay. And he says (and I feel) that I'm responding beautifully. I can feel the difference, I really can. And I know I've got a lot to live for - and so do you!

Enjoy your life, MonkeyFunk - you've earned it. :hug:

National Suicide Prevention Hotlines, United States of America
Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week / from anywhere in the USA

1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433)

or

1-800-273-TALK
(1-800-273-8255)


For the Deaf:
1-800-799-4TTY
(1-800-799-4889)


They do good work...

I wish I'd have thought to include it in the OP.

Suicide is an act of desperation ....it's beyond hard when you feel no one cares or would understand.

There is always someone who cares.....always.

It took a lot of guts to share this with the "world". Good for you and I hope you never find yourself in that sad lonely place ever again.

:hug:
DR

I always enjoy your posts.

Life becomes too tricky, too painful, too difficult.

Most adults have, at least, considered suicide as a way out of life's troubles. I have.

I'm very glad you came to your senses and have learned, or are learning, to cope with what sometimes seems a burden but is really the daily magic show.

and had a couple of family members kill themselves and has a therapist wife who deals with this issue regularly, I can only send you my best thoughts and applaud your reaching out - for help and to help others.

And you have a lot of courage posting this. You will be just fine I think:)

A post like yours gives us all a perspective on what's real in life, and helps us to remember to look out for our fellow humans.

Thank you for posting this.

No one here should ever doubt your honesty or sincerity (but reserve the right to disagree about impeachment). ;)

That made me smile big-time. Thanks.

What in the world! :hug:

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Don't ever go through something like that alone again, mkay? There are people here who love you, and I am not as bitchy when people are in need as you might think. :hug:

:hug:

I'm glad you were not successful in your attempt. I hope that you can continue to find reasons
to go on and that people in your world will tell you how much they love you and appreciate you.

It's so hard to know how any of us has touched the life of someone else, but be assured, there are people
who have been positively affected by knowing you.

Hugs to you. :loveya:

:hug:

with us now, and thank you for posting this to let us know that it is possible for us to go to the edge of despair and come home again.

I take an anti-depressant. I wasn't suicidal, but I probably would have gotten that way later.

is that you woke up. No one is laughing.

:applause:

I've never been in anything like that frame of mind, but it's obvious
plenty have, and way more than I would ever have imagined have known someone
who went through with it.

I would always imagine that if there's light to be seen at the end of the tunnel,
then it's worth waiting for, but I've never been there, and never done that, and
I'd be lying if I said that I could put myself in your place(s). My hat goes off
to all that have been there, come back, and are strong enough to tell us about it.

I've been down that road, and I'm glad I didn't make such a terrible mistake.

Surviving my own bad times, I usually tell people contemplating it - I look now from where I am now to where I was - and the reasons appear small from here. And the joys I experienced after - amazing! You never know what's around the corner. Allow life to surprise you. it will.

Your post immediately brought me back 15 years ago....It will be 15 years on March 19 that my brother hung himself the day after my father died. I lost my mother to cancer 11 months later, so never was able to go through the grieving process. I still think, to this day, that I am numb.
I am so grateful that you had the inner strength to post this. Surely, it is a step in your healing. I am so thankful that your loved ones still have you to love and cherish....
Odd, I just called my MD today for an appointment to get back on Lexapro for my depression.
Life is difficult....Life is beautiful...
You showed great courage....
Wishing you happiness and peace of mind....

Sending light and love....:hug:


peace~

I'm so sorry, Dystopian.

:hug:

Thank you.....
I'm okay, you're okay.:hug:
I think, like others, I shared so you would know that you are not alone. I wanted you to know that I can empathize. Suicide touches so many lives. I'm thankful that you made it through...Thankful that although times were dark, you are still with us and with those who love you...
Heartfelt thanks for the hug, it's all about coming together in the land of survival.....
You've touched many hearts today....and showed your strength and love for humanity by sharing...


peace~

for you :hug: I'm glad you're still here to receive it. :pals:

big hug for you....

but you would be truly mourned by this board. I'm grateful that you're still here.

Rhiannon:hug:

Huge hugz from me :)

We'll get through this mess together, OK?

But dealing with deep depression and panic attacks for over 24 years mine has only gotten worse and it escalated when i lost my job and still no matter how I've tried could not find another now I'm 59 .

This is a huge part of not wanting to live anylonger for me besides losing friends through the years and my wife and i have no good family contacts , they really don't care , those that are left .

I have considered ending it many times and if I could have found a way that would be certain I would not be here now .

I am depressed and scared to death living and afraid of dying and have no idea why . I always felt it would be like sleeping without the dreams .

I had a few post blocked about depression and I have called hot lines and help lines , well they talk but there is no result in this , they may care but who would know , I don't know these people who tell me life is worth it and things will get better and all this sort of talk .

I have no intent of telling anyone not to seek help , I have just never found help I need through what I have tried .

To me they are all strangers and if I was gone it would be like anyone I don't know who is gone , certainly I feel for them but this does not find me better .

I look for a reason and purpose in this life and can't find one anylonger . Without these and friends , some family or purpose I feel like I'm taking up air . I have my wife however she is many times more down than I but she does find hope in some things at times .

Life is short but life is long too .

Regardless of what you try or who you talk to, you're still all alone. Dead inside.

I've never read it, but I was told of a book by a prisoner in a Nazi death camp who wrote about how he was able to see the beauty of a flower poking through the ground even though he was surrounded by death and horror.

I've often marveled at what it must be like to be able to be that kind of person. Can you imagine? I can't even fathom it.

It doesn't matter if others "have it worse" than you, that does nothing to alleviate or lessen the depths of your despair. Nothing seems real.

I don't know how to help you ease your pain, but I really want to!

My love to you and your wife. I TRULY care.

:hug:

It must be born in them .

I have read people have different types of born in traits such as people who are always up and others who fight to find a place in life .

My family consisted of my parents and an older sister , a youger sister and the youngest my brother .

My father grew up during the depression , he had a sense of humor but could turn on a dime and you learned how to see the change . To him if I wanted to do something is was in his terms un-neccessary . As a family we never went out to diner or movies and he always chose places to live that were far from the cities which was sold off farmland or orange groves turned into new homes which were sparse . We always moved from Chicago to nothern FL .

I was the black sheep and always recall being off and depressed , I was never into sports and as a white male this was odd to many , I was into art and music .

None of us were the same in any respect but I was the one he chose to pick on and I was the one at 7 who had to work with him as he built custom homes as a self contractor so I spent all my summer vacations working for free as a slave .

In 2001 june my younger brother died of a rare liver cancer , he was just finally getting his life where he wanted it and I felt why not me , why him . My father died in 1990 and I tried always to get along but gave up so he left calls on our message machine calling me names and then hanging up .

My mother just went along but we got along , she died in aug of 2005 and this was difficult to say the least and by then I had lost my job in 2004 oct .

My youngest sister never felt depression until she was 53 then she called me to ask if I was ever depressed , I guess no one was ever listening or saw me .

I recall during the cuban missile crisis I was 12 or 13 and became ill , I did not feel sick but could not keep food down and all my joints hurt and I lost alot of weight even though I was always a stick i became a bone . I didn't think I would make it to my next birthday or we would be blown up before then . My mother held to the christian science religion so there was no checking to see what was up .

My wife just last week suggested while I related this story to her again that it was probably panic and anxeity that caused the ill symptems and I have to say now she may be right .

I know my mother told me my father had depression but it never showed and my brother battled with it and we talked a little about this but in my family feelings never were talked about much if at all .

I know as a youg child I used to get excited about things but I feel through time my father killed that so i saw excitement as a foolish thing since I was made to feel foolish for it .

I had few close friends who were all screwed up in their own way and we had one thing , a rock band .

All but one of my friends is alive now , some died young and others died of health and a some committed suicide .

My wife battled anxiety all her life and still does , she got out in the mid 80's and did lawn sales and worked some but somehow since she is a giving person all her friends she made used her and left , she has now been a shut in for over 13 years and rarely will leave the apt . She has one thing I don't , she does see hope and does try but she does fall into depression again then she wants to die and wishes she was never born .

The nature of the world is man made set realities and I feel there are many who never fit in to this set of rules and if we can't fit into society then we are somehow unfit , I can't just go with the flow and ignore things that feel wrong or dishonest .

I have no idea where I fit in .

My Mom tried as an Adult, and my Sister too. We are all still here except for Mom, who lived to be 73!

in telling your story. In a book I am reading the 2 questions to ask a suicidal/ depressed person are:
1. Where does it hurt?
2. How can I help?
This is such a very important subject that has been hidden way to long.
We have to start talking about suicide and depression. There are not always signs but sometimes there are. We need to look for these in the people we love. We survivors of suicide have to talk about our experience and our loved ones

:hug: O8)

I was prescribed xanax in 2001 after the World Trade Center collapse. I worked in the shadows of that building and barely escaped that day. I continued to work nearby, losing my health in the process, until I left after 4 months.

More insidious than the horror of that day, were the drugs used by my physicians, especially the xanax. I was on 4 mg a day for six years. When I stopped cold turkey, I almost died from seizures, common in benzodiazepine withdrawl. I'm shocked by the dosage you took, and only want people to know XANAX can easily kill, unless you have a huge tolerance from taking the medication.

I sincerely hope you are recovering and are weaning away from the Benzo's. Heath Ledger probably died from errant combinations of these dangerous medications. I'd rather go through anxiety, than go through withdrawal again.

I almost never agree with you except in the lounge, but you're still one of us.
I've had problems with depression before and seriously considered the ultimate solution at a time. I never went through with it because something in me always said wait til tomorrow, something might change. And it usually did. What always kept me around was a need to see how things turn out around me and also my developing atheist outlook. I feel that if there is no god, then there is no afterlife, no reincarnation, nothing after you die. I decided that since this is all I ultimately have, I'm going to hang onto it for all it's worth.
As you can see from the responses to your thread, you're not alone out there. If you're feeling down, let us know, we'll do our best to cheer you up. Sometimes a good laugh is enough to get you just a little further down the road.

Very brave of you to tell your story and try to help others.

I've never considered it, but know others who have tried and a couple who succeeded. Its very serious and nothing to laugh at. Thanks for reaching out to others. :hug:

There are some days when I get up, look at my life, and seriously consider taking the quick way out. Every day I don't is a minor miracle to me.

With nearly $300,000 in medical bills to deal with right now and no hope of paying them, death seems preferable to the very real possibility of ending up without a roof over my head. I hope that, when the time comes, I can find the courage you have to keep going.

is needed to live in this world.

What drove your medical bills up so high? Are you ill?

I had to close my business last January. I didn't have the money to continue my insurance, but wasn't that concerned about it. Then in August I wound up in the hospital for a month. I need to go back there so they can finish the surgery they started (it's a two-part procedure) but will need to get some of those bills paid first.

:hug:

Lately I've been having similar thoughts. Your post touched me.

And it saddens me that people go through such desperation (Often without help) just to "make it stop." I feel for you. I've had suicides in my family and one that happened to a very good friend of mine.

He was taking Xanax for some anxiety-related issues. He took no other drugs at that time. His wife came home from work one day to find him dead. The cause was a deadly Xanax overdose. Death by Xanax can and does happen.

"Death has been reported in association with overdoses of alprazolam by itself, as it has with other benzodiazepines."
http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic/alpraz_od.htm

He attempted to get medical help prior to his death and was insured, however realized that his insurance only covered 12 mental health visits per year. Can you believe that.....12 per YEAR! Not only does our health-care system need to be re-vamped, but revisions need to be made to mental health care. The man could only see a Psychiatrist once a month for meds, but could not afford psy. therapy visits.....nor would the insurance pay. It's a damn shame that this is allowable in our country......and this is someone that was "insured" or should I say...."under-insured."

Once again, I do feel for you and am glad that you made it through and had enough courage to post your experience. I'm sick of the stigma that's put on mental health issues when nearly everyone goes through/or knows of someone who has battled mental illness. One should not be made to feel shameful over it either, it's an illness of the human body. No different than seeing a physician for cardiac issues.

Are you sure that you took 2.5 mgs of Xanax or maybe .25 instead? My friend's husband was on 2.0 mgs and I don't believe that they make a 2.5 mg dosage.

Yes, it was 2.5 mg.

I don't know why I didn't die. I was found by my partner 14 hours after I took them. I washed them down with half a bottle of vodka.

To this day I don't know if he took me to the hospital or if an ambulance came. I woke up in the hospital.

Stay Strong. Sounds like Your Partner is Your Guardian Angel. O8)

I adore him.

I have a daughter that tried. I'm still haunted by it and the gratitude that we got her to the hospital in time to save her.

does not want to pay for the care for people like your self in need.

if your appendix burst would you feel the need to apologize?

No? I tought not. sick is sick and the sooner people realize this the sooner we may get coverage for all the illnesses the body is subject to. Your brain gets ill just like any other organ. No one has to say "oh please excuse my brother he has a problem with his right lung. It's so embrassing to the restof the family.

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Who the hell gave you 200 2.5 mg XANAX? TISK TISK TISK! DID they think you where going back to Iraq or something? That sort of shit goes on all the time. But that's a story for another time.

of course some idiot insuance companies still don't cover our teeth either so apparantly our teeth our eyes and our brain chemistry are not important enough to cover under insurance. and that's a story for another time too....

Never forget your second wind!

I thank you for having the strength to share this with people.

Good vibes being sent your way from me and best wishes!

where i can truthfully say that i am so happy you did not succeed. peace.

Everything that makes you you gets all bent out of shape and the way you feel things and think about things and anticipate things becomes different, as if you are someone else. A huge number of us will develop depression and have to seek treatment for it in our lifetimes. The guilt you are feeling is a normal part of the depression, but there is really nothing to feel guilty about. Your guilt feels real, because all the feelings of depression feel real, but people outside of you do not blame you. Everything is distorted from within.

I disagree with what someone else posted above. Lots of people do care about other people. Little children are born feeling sympathy for others and curious about others and drawn to others. We teach then to stop doing what comes naturally out of fear of being hurt. If people stop being afraid of being hurt or of losing someone to whom they are attached, if they can learn to just live for now with the people who are around them, then they can connect to people again.

Thank you for posting about what happened. There is a stigma about depression, because people do not talk about it. When things are hidden, that makes them seem shameful, and so other people suffer in silence and do not get the help they need.

it took guts to post this, and i'm sorry you had to experience that to learn what you needed to learn.

several years ago, my ex-girlfriend committed suicide. i tried to help her as much as i humanly could, but she just didn't want to be here anymore. still...the feeling that i could have done more will always haunt me.

i have a potentially life-threatening illness now. i am scared about the future...i am afraid of treatment, i am afraid of not doing treatment. all kinds of thoughts have gone through my head. thanks for reminding me of one very important fact:

suicide doesn't just affect the individual; it affects all those who love that person.

if anyone laughs at you, that would be a reflection of the emptiness in their own soul. there is nothing funny about what you've been through.

peace,
karen

thank you so much.

And please know that I have the best hopes for you.

but i am hanging in there, and i will be fine. i can't break my mother's heart, so i will do what i need to do. including anti-depressants and therapy.
be well...and thanks!

and glad to know you are alive, here and talking about what happened and what you felt and feel about folks who laugh at those who get so down...they feel there's nowhere to go but..to sleep.

:hug:

And, yes, I know what it's like to be laughed at...

I know your story, amplified to the power of three...

Unfortunately, I'm not so ready just yet to share those experiences... I implore you not to ask at this time...

But I will thank you for opening up.

soon.

We clash, but you're a fellow-human being, and for that I love you.

I'm so glad you're still here and you know realize how important you are. :-)

I remember feeling like that years ago. I started to hang myself once, drunkenly. I was 18 at the time
and I remember standing on the chair and realizing that if I died nothing would get better, but if I lived...HOW
much worse could it get than that? So I had to try to reach something on my desk to cut myself down...kind of
ridiculous because I didn't have much slack....when I finally got myself down I was laughing. Even my suicide attempt
was like a bad Monty Python sketch!

I never feel that way anymore and really haven't ever seriously considered it since then. It does get better. Take care. :hug:

:)

and my heart goes out to you.

Pain in the soul is a terrible thing.

I hope that you have found peace.

The act of writing about it can give you a sense of
how precious your life is.

At least i hope so.




:hug:

and thanks to others who have shared their stories.

My daughter suffers from severe depression and anxiety (let me just say she was in foster care for 5 years before I adopted her.) Some days I have lived in fear of what I would find.

But she is a sophomore in college now, 1000 miles away. Life is not perfect for her, but she is living.

Peace to all who struggle with this terrible illness.

:hug:

On june 1st 1990 I tried to hang myself in the midst of a long drunken blackout.

Deep depression and alcoholism, the end of my first marriage, and just general feelings of who-the-fuck-would-miss-me-anyhow led me to try to take my own life.

I came to the next day walking around my trashed apartment with the noose still around my neck dragging the remains of a shower rod from the other end of it, not even knowing how I got there. In some moment of clarity I asked for help and thankfully got it.

17 plus years later I still battle with depression, but nothing like I had then.

Your post touched me.

Glad you are here.

RL

You are one of my favorite DUers and I love reading your posts. You have keen insight. I didn't know you went through this. I've said a prayer for you. Please stick around from now on. You have a great deal to offer the world.

we had been in touch off and on over the last 10 years.

He'd send a two line email. I'd respond with several paragraphs and that would be it for several more months. He never really told me anything about what was going on with him. I had no idea things had gotten as bad as they were.

Even though we were no longer what I would call close I was (and still am) devastated by his loss. I cried for months (made even more complicated by the fact I had just gotten married in July). I still feel a huge hole in my heart.

Like MonkeyFunk says:
So for those who are thinking like I was... please call somebody. Get some help. You ARE valued by others, no matter how hard it seems.


PLEASE!!!!PLEASE!!!!PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

unique and very special.

I hope you are inspired to enquire beyond that natural level into why this should be so, because it leads us to the realisation that however much our family and friends may love us or be indifferent to our fate, it doesn't matter. This not the malice of cold indifference, but the realisation that there is someone who loves all of us more than we could ever imagine* - both ourselves and our nearest and dearest. Until we do feel this certainty, we will continue to want others to love us as special to them in some way, and, as I said, that is a good thing. Grace builds upon nature. But we need to look beyond, or rather look into it, into why it should be, into what it's significance is for us and for how we view the meaning of our life in this world.


*This point is often made particularly forcefully by people who have suffered NDEs; if seen on the TV, not necessarily just by their words but by their clearly spontaneous emotionalism, sometimes tears; kind of laughing through their tears, tears of longing to return, as they remember the love beyond all imagining.

I hope things turn out well for you. Two things I found helpful to be reminded of at bleak times in my life were that everything happens for the best, and the 23rd Psalm. I should add a third: always remember that everything takes time, the process of healing, too.

And sharing your story is courageous, as anyone who has been through it or lost
loved ones or friends can attest. In my case it was a beloved uncle and a cousin.
I have always thought that it was, to them, simple math in strange way. When the amount
of pain they felt exceeded their capacity to bear that pain, they left this life. I can
only hope that they found the relief they were seeking. They are missed to this day, as
YOU would be also! Don't keep that shit bottled up inside. Talk to someone,anyone!
Those kinds of thoughts are MUCH more common than most people realize. I KNOW!
Glad you're still here, and let's KEEP IT THAT WAY!