I admit it, I'm jealous of men.

It's not the penis envy thing at all.

But

I wish I could be fat and bald and still be valued by employers for what I can do.

I wish I could look that cool behind the wheel of a beautiful pick up truck.

I wish I was strong enough to put a roof on a house.

I wish I was tall enough to reach the top shelves.

I wish I was strong enough to pick kids up and fling um around like that and make them giggle like crazy.

I wish people would vote me POTUS simply because I put on beat up cowboy hat, dirty leather gloves, hopped behind the wheel of an F150 and mugged for the camera.


Now men, I do understand it's not all gravy. If you get sick or break something you really get screwed with that whole "suck it up" thing. And if through no fault of your own you struggle to put food on your family society does kinda put you through that whole "you suck as a man" thing.

Anyways, I admit, I'm jealous.



disclaimer - this is not a complete list. :)

and you have to go to the bathroom.

there's that. :think:

would that count as penis envy? :)

http://www.whizbiz.com.au/

Ok, tacky, but not completely inappropriate.

Cactus provides poor cover.

If it's a coupe or a pickup, you're out of luck.

There are a lot of different versions, though, of being a man. Even with the expectations there's plenty of room to make your own lane, "cut a broad swath."

On edit: That is, if you don't have a family. Once you have kids....well, I imagine that choices become limited.

They learn from childhood that they will be expected to get a job capable of supporting not only themselves, but a wife and children, should their wives "opt" not to work.

As women, we learn from childhood that working is an option for us. We can either choose to work or choose not to (assuming we marry a man who makes enough money that we need not work). No one will look down on us if we choose not to work. If we have a job with which we can support only ourselves, that's fine. And if a father abandons his kids and forces us to support them alone, at least the societal scorn he will suffer will be huge, whether or not he legally ever has to contribute a dime. And if it takes two salaries for a husband and wife to support their family, that's considered unfortunate.

Of course, women get it coming the other way. We're assumed to all want children; it's assumed that we'll take primary care for them unless their father is willing to take on at least some of it; it's assumed that we'll make whatever adjustments are necessary in our careers to raise them, as opposed to their father making any adjustments (unless he chooses to); we're assumed to be the cleaners and the organizers, the ones who will remember to mop the floor, pack the lunches, send the birthday cards, etc.

All this is default. If a woman chooses to work and a man chooses to stay home, or if the man splits household chores with the woman, or if the man chooses to be an involved father, or is highly organized and remembers his kids' personal food tastes, teachers' names and medical histories, that's considered optional or exceptional.

I am just not that organized and I just don't love domesticity as much as women are supposed to, and I never have. If I were ever to have children, I'd need a wife to be their "mother," because I don't think I could do it.

Aside from child rearing and housekeeping, of course, which is work, just unpaid. And those women who have to work come home to another job; that of wife and mother, which usually means that she finally stops working when she falls asleep at night.

All in all, I think men have an easier time of it.

One pays me in money, the other doesn't.

and simply being expected to keep house, too.

But men pay for that division of labor as well.

cooking and child rearing ON TOP OF your 60 hour a week job. Hell, I know women who do all of the above, and take care of the lawn and bills while hubby works only part time, then sleeps, watches TV and plays video games the rest of the day.

What scorn? Are you kidding me?

Here's an example of the real "scorn" and it's directed at custodial parents! :grr:

-----------------

Ways and Means Committee Approves 40 Percent Cut in Child Support Funds

by Vicki Turetsky

http://www.clasp.org/publications/child_support_cuts.pdf

On October 26, the Ways and Means Committee of the U.S. House of Representatives
approved a budget reconciliation package that would impose deep cuts in federal funds
used to help pay for state child support services provided to single parent families. The
child support program enforces the responsibility of non-custodial parents to support their
children, reducing the need for families to receive public assistance. These cuts, if
implemented, would cut federal child support program funding by 40 percent, severely
reducing states’ ability to collect child support for low- and moderate-income families.

Congress projects that child support collections would drop by $24.1 billion over the next
ten years.

The proposed cuts are likely to reverse dramatic improvements in the child support
program’s performance over the past decade and may force many families back into the
welfare caseload. In 2004, the child support program collected $21.9 billion, while total
program costs were $5.3 billion—$4.38 child support dollars were collected for every
public dollar spent. The President’s 2006 budget cites the child support program as “one
of the highest rated block/formula grants of all reviewed programs government-wide.
This high rating is due to its strong mission, effective management, and demonstration of
measurable progress toward meeting annual and long term performance measures.”

1 The funding cuts are part of the “Entitlement Reconciliation Recommendations for Fiscal
Year 2006” which is being submitted by the Ways and Means Committee to the House
Budget Committee. (See Appendix for proposed language.)

2The committee recommendations include two direct cuts to child support funding:

• One recommendation would make a deep cut in the federal match rate for child
support program costs. Currently, the federal government pays 66 percent of
program costs, while states and counties cover the remaining 34 percent.

The committee recommended that federal rate cut be phased in, reducing the rate to
62 percent in 2007, 58 percent in 2008, 54 percent in 2009, and 50 percent in 2010
and thereafter. The full impact of the cuts would occur in 2010.


• The committee added a second recommendation to prevent states from using their
performance incentive payments to draw down matching federal funds.
Currently, the federal government pays states incentive funds based on their level
of child support performance. These incentive payments are capped at $458
million in fiscal year 2006 and divided among the states according to their
performance on five measures. States are required to reinvest these funds in their
child support program (or closely related activities), but may claim 66 percent
federal matching funds for incentive funds spent on enforcing child support.

In addition, the committee’s budget package includes a recommendation to charge
custodial parents an annual service fee for collecting support. The proposal would direct
states to charge custodial parents a $25 annual fee subtracted from collections. This fee
is in addition to application and other child support fees imposed on families. The first
$500 in collections would be exempt from the annual fee. Custodial parents other than
those who have received TANF assistance would be required to pay the fee.

more...

It can be difficult to impossible to get a man to actually pay child support, but that doesn't mean he won't be regarded as a scofflaw if he doesn't.

"As women, we learn from childhood that working is an option for us. We can either choose to work or choose not to (assuming we marry a man who makes enough money that we need not work). No one will look down on us if we choose not to work. If we have a job with which we can support only ourselves, that's fine. And if a father abandons his kids and forces us to support them alone, at least the societal scorn he will suffer will be huge, whether or not he legally ever has to contribute a dime. And if it takes two salaries for a husband and wife to support their family, that's considered unfortunate."

Things don't work like that where I grew up, and they don't work like that where I live now, either.

I'm talking about what is taught. Real life and "what works" varies from situation to situation.

I wasn't taught that work was optional for women. None of my peers were taught this either... and my mom "stood out" a lot because she "just" worked in the home and raised a family, hence we didn't have spare cash to buy fancy vacations, cars, trinkets and clothes. I don't miss it, but she heard every day about what a "loser" she was for not getting out there and working that minimum-wage, barely paid for child care McJob.

That's why I say, I think you and I aren't from the same planet :D

and I did not grow up believing that I could "opt out" of work. I always knew that I would have to work to support myself.

Of course, I come from the working poor class, and was raised by a single mother. There was NEVER any illusion that it would be okay to expect that a man would "take care of me." I was raised to take care of myself. And I do.

I knew, of course, that others DID expect not to "work." I pitied those women, knowing how powerless they would be in their relationships. :shrug:

and I didn't grow up believing I could "opt out" of work, either. I always knew that I would have to work to support myself.

Of course, I also come from the working poor class, and was raised by a single mother. There was NEVER any illusion that it would be okay to expect that a man would "take care of me." I was raised to take care of myself. And I do.

I knew, of course, that others DID expect not to "work." I, too, pitied those women, knowing how powerless they would be in their relationships. But I also recognized that they were the norm, and I was pretty much the exception. I also recognized that in the greater society, it would be regarded as unfortunate and unfair if I had to raise a family alone, rather than either having a man to help me or to take the entire burden of their support upon himself.

How OLD ARE you?

I have been the major breadwinner for my family
for almost 5 years now. Before that, my husband
and I worked together.

It's not the 50's any more, you know.

Men are losing their jobs at a MUCH higher rate
than women in THIS state (Michigan).

It's stressful, but my 16 year old daughter, who
is coming home next month from a year in India,
realizes that with work comes CHOICE.

The CHOICE whether or not to bear children.
The CHOICE to stay or leave your husband.
The CHOICE to make CHOICES within the home.

Working itself is NOT a choice.
There may be necessary time away from work
to raise children. Either by the mother,
or by the father, or both.

I get stressed out, but having the resources
to make my own decisions, and those affecting
my children, is WELL WORTH IT.

And no, I am NOT "Mrs. Cleaver." Far from it. Yet I am well able to see how societal expectations haven't caught up with reality.

I'm not talking about "reality," and the true lives most of us live, in which men lose jobs, leave, etc. I'm talking about the societal expectations we grow up with. And the societal expectation is always that women will not have to raise their families alone--that they will, at minimum, have help from a man, and that it may even be possible for him to support them and their children completely, at least while they are very young.

I agree--with work comes CHOICE. That's why I'd never live my own life any other way. But I can guarantee you that every mother who's chosen to stay at home to raise her children while their father works to support them all will tell you that she, too, is exercising "choice." Of course, that "choice" could vanish into thin air any day, and then she would no longer have any "choice." But that's what she thinks.

My wife does not work yet she still has choices:

Only has to work if she likes (even if we have kids she can work and we will use daycare)
We try not to set our marriage up for failure but were our marriage to fail I would honor alimony payments
In the home my wife decides the details

Your choice to work is not for everyone..

The average child-bearing woman will be out of the
work force, or part-timing it for 11 years.

When the children are in school all day or graduated,
what is "the woman" to do?

two when everything is said and done whatever she wants. She can either continue to maintain the home or go out into the workforce whatever she wishes but it is a choice for her..

Her ability to get a job after
time spent child rearing will
be severely limited unless she
has worked part time or gone to
school.

Less choice.

Sorry.

Im not for forcing women to say home barefoot and pregnant but who the hell are you to tell them that if they want their career to be about raising kids and supporting the home that they are wrong. Some women find raising kids and homeschooling very rewarding.

AFTER the kids are raised, have flown the coop, if she wants to enter the workforce doing something other than childcare, her options will be more limited that those who have more education and/or other job experience. This does not mean they will have no ability to work for pay, but they will be competing for jobs with others who may have more on the job pay job experience and/or education.

1) No matter what you do for 20 years it limits you in other areas. If I spend 20 years in IT im going to be kind of limited to that sphere. I cant at 40 up and decided to go into creative design without overhauling my education which brings me to two:

2) Retooling for a career change is standard, my brother retired from the military and is now working on an education degree. Being MP he could have gotten a job insecurity or law enforcement but he wanted to work outside that field so, yes, he will have to retool. In the same manner a woman who has spend 15-25 years raising kids and wants to then do something else might have to go back to school for a short time.

3) Its still her choice and no matter how it might differ from yours its no less valid.. Im tired of warm weather feminist who at one time fight for a womans self determination and then spit on any women who's self determination takes them down a different path.

1) I have worked in the same field for 30 yrs and would have to start way down ladder in another field, but I could continue in the same field much further up. Having no outside the home work experience, minimal education, are further limits.

2) I have friends who have done this. I wish I had been able to have my job be limited to family and home, but I had to work outside the home for money to live on. My friend who was able to stay home, raise kids, focus on that, then entered job force at minimum wage job for a few yrs. Went back to jr college, got a degree, got a better paying and nicer job.

3)Choice is choice, if it is true choice. My mother was a mother during the time when women's choices were limited to staying home or (gasp!) being so poor off as to HAVE to work. She wanted to work part time, while kids/home part time, but didn't have that choice.

I'm not the one saying it is not valid, that fight is not with me.

regards

but I'm an uppity that has been around for a while and believe that people need choices, and need responsibility for their choices, and "don't hurt people, don't hurt things" is a good thing.

is not for everyone either. It's only an option if it is possible to support your family on one income. It's also a choice only as long as the "breadwinner" doesn't become incapacitated or dead, or if the family is independently wealthy. It's not a choice that exists at all for thousands of single parents, be they fathers or mothers. In a perfect world, it would be, but we all know this is not that world.

We do it because we live small and we have insurance should anything happen to me. Even for people who can do it some might not choose and thats fine, for them.

my mother always 2 jobs and i got my fist paper route when i was 11 and i've worked ever since then.

I'm talking about societal expectation, not the family I grew up in and its realities.

I think that's not widely true. I hear many of my stay-at-home-mom friends (parents of my son's classmates) say that they feel they are looked down on because they are seen by so many people as "just a housewife."

Way, way more.

and in any case, my personal experience differs yet again from your assertion. The full-time fathers in my child's class always seem to get cut slack because they are breaking the norms.

"(Men) learn from childhood that they will be expected to get a job capable of supporting not only themselves, but a wife and children, should their wives "opt" not to work.

"As women, we learn from childhood that working is an option for us. We can either choose to work or choose not to (assuming we marry a man who makes enough money that we need not work)."

I learned that crap as a kid growing up in the '50's. If people are still teaching their kids this, they need to wake up and smell the coffee.

I wish I could look that cool behind the wheel of a beautiful pick up truck.

Beautiful pick up truck is an oxymoron. Imagine paying $4/gal to fill a bucket of bolts that gets less to 20 mpg.

I wish I was tall enough to reach the top shelves.

I'll bet you're taller than I am. And I wish I could reach the top shelves, too.

I wish people would vote me POTUS simply because I put on beat up cowboy hat, dirty leather gloves, hopped behind the wheel of an F150 and mugged for the camera.

When did Bush win an election to be POTUS? I think I missed that one.

Being a short, nerdy male, I have a different idea of masculinity than the popular culture.

Coming from the dysfunctional background that I do, I'd love to hear some alternate perspectives on masculinity.

I was conditioned to see men, from my infanthood, as not to be trusted. To be irresponsible, to be cheats, to be abusers. Unfortunately, it took two decades of adulthood to break free from that pattern.

I like men. I really do. I have 2 adult sons, and I love them more than the entire rest of the planet put together. They, bless them, are responsible, do not cheat, and are not abusive. I accomplished that much: to break the pattern for the next generation.

While I like men, I don't trust them, except for my 2 sons. The patterns of my life are well ingrained. Tell me more about masculinity, that my view can grow beyond my life's experience.

My husband is man enough to accept that I make a lot more money than he does (not much, I'm a teacher, but he makes little). He is organized, and not ashamed to do a lot of the housework and much better than I do. He does get embarrassed when people ask what he does, as his main job is the house, but still makes my coffee...and sympathises when I'm exhausted from my day with adolescents...man enough for me plus...

and we can wear the same jeans, added bonus...

we can wear the same jeans

My husband just asked me to stop wearing his track pants. Said I was stretching out the @ss part too much. I told him he was just jealous. ;)

I know a man like the one you describe. He's one of my sons, who sacrificed his career and social life to take full custody of HIS son.

His son has health issues that require his dad to be available at any given moment. He can't work unless one of his family is available to do child care, since the boy requires special care. That restricts his hours, and the kind of work he can do.

I don't see anything cool about a car. I'm a democrat (note the small d) and have no desire to have control over other people. As I would not be a subject, neither will I be an emperor.

I couldn't rearrange any one's face if I wanted to, so I avoided fights. I stood up to bullies, because when all was said and dine, they didn't want to destroy their reputations by beating me up. I was willing to be beaten to prove the point. Of course, I took up chess to beat the crap out of guys bigger than I.

Since I wasn't going to make the football or basketball team, I read a lot. I used my wits, since I had no brawn.

A coward fights only weaker foes and then any time he can aggrandize himself by doing so. A fool picks a fight to show his courage, but he's going to get killed. A brave man (or woman) is one who goes to battle when he must, not otherwise, against a foe who must be stopped, with no guarantees of the outcome.

"I'm a democrat (note the small d) and have no desire to have control over other people. As I would not be a subject, neither will I be an emperor."

I feel the same, though I'm a woman.

The rest reminds me a bit of my youngest son, who is a man I have a great deal of love and respect for.

the best bargains are always on the bottom shelves.

I'll take the extra years, thankyouverymuch.

so many types of men out there...

its awesome to be stereotyped

it's for you that we put the toilet seat down for:toast: ya'll have some kind of strange juju. :) Peace

I do want an addadictomy because I'd like to have a penis pointing in the other direction. I want to be able to do some things I cannot mention here and also write my name in the snow without getting frost bite on my ass. :evilgrin:

OMG, and NO MONTHLY. That would be the life. I'd take an ass kicking a day and then some for the luxury of that last one alone.
:P

In my family, I'm the short one so I used to have to ask my mom to reach the top shelves - she's 5'9", I'm only 5'6".

When I worked in a field that, at the time, was traditionally "male", I learned I was in the "same boat" with the guys who were slight of build and/or shorter than 6'; I was ridiculed for being a girl and they were ridiculed for not being "macho" enough. We dealt with our shared "handicap" by learning to work smarter when it came to lifting heavy supplies and we either got a footstool or the 6'6" guy to get things off the shelves 6' above our heads.

Most guys who are "fat and bald" got that way while they were in their job. Ask those guys how they'd fare at a job interview now they've acquired their additional girth as their hair thinned. The replies might surprise you.

As to POTUS, gee, I can think of some leprechaun jokes about one of the men who was a candidate for a short (*snort*) time. Unfortunately, too many seem to carry the same stereotype of "masculinity" in their mind as you seem to. Going from judging women based on their looks to judging women and men on their looks isn't doing a great deal to help our political discussion or situation.

I worked in IT for 28 years and my fellow male computer geeks were just as much "victims" of that absurd, hyper-masculine, caricature of a stereotype as you seem to think you are.

Just think, all the time you've been jealous of them, they just wanted people to get over their "love affair" with the cartoon image of "men" and to quite succumbing to stereotypes.

I wasn't aware Mormons needed defended. WTF are you babbllng about this time?

Here are some things I envy women:

To be acceptable as a sex partner, all you basically have to do is lie there, and then claim to have done the man a big favor.

You can marry a man and live off of him your whole life, and no one will criticise you.

You can criticise the opposite sex endlessly and unfairly, indulging in all the absurd generalizations you want, and no one can call you on it without being accused of being "sexist."

If you fail to excel in any area, you can always use society's sexism as an excuse, and people will buy that.

You can use your "time of the month" as an excuse for bad behavior, but if a man suggests that may be a factor, he is a sexist pig.

You can blame all the world's problems on men and get away with that, despite the fact that women in leadership positions have done no better.

I'm not aiming any of this at you in particular. You just gave me an opportunity to let off some steam; lol!

Bitter much? When did she dump you?

Thank you. I was thinking the same thing. :rofl:

:thumbsup:

Question: Why do women put on makeup and wear perfume?

Answer: Because they're ugly and they smell bad.

I love the subtlety!

I'm a stay-at-home mom, and my husband is the one who works outside of the home for money. I am his at-home secretary, handle all of his scheduling and such, do 90% of the work around the house (even when I had appendicitis for ten years), do all of the dealing with the kids (he only takes sick days for himself or when I'm too ill to function at all--if I can walk, he's at work), and even he admits that I help make his job easier by him not having to deal with anything at home if he doesn't want to.

So . . . how do I live off of my husband? I'm not any different than many other at-home moms and wives I know. We do a huge amount of work so our husbands don't have to.

lemme guess - you are not popular with da ladies

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :yoiks:

eeeeeoooowwwwwww!!!!

might think you are dancing.

Fat bald guys have the market cornered on being valued employees?

All guys look cool behind the wheel of a pick up, are you kidding me? Isn't that on a case by case basis?

roofs don't get put on in one piece you know, i'm sure you could lift some of the roofing materials.

step stools, even men need need them sometimes, but you know some women are tall and they don't. Go figure

i can pick up kids and fling them around, i don't but that's my choice.

if thats what people vote for a candidate then i give up.

I am a woman and i can do plenty of things on my own, i tiled the floors in the bathrooms of my house, i installed 3 of the 5 ceiling fans, i fixed the refrigerator when my husband screwed it up royally and i even know how to change the oil in my car. We are limited by what we let limit us, if you never try then you'll never know what you can actually do.

The OP is ridiculous on so many levels, I don't know where to start.

watching me knock out a wall in the kitchen to let light in & then there's the one about the floor sander. lol.)

I'm not jealous of men. Everyone expects them to know how to work on cars. It must get really old.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with cucumber and lamfrey shampoo with 83 added viatmins.
7. Condition your hair with cucumber and lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinses conditioner off hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off.
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry body with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbant second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake your pecker at her and make the "woo-woo!" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (you don't). Admire the size of your pecker in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair ( do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mowhawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire pecker size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your pecker , go "Yeah Baby!" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed

Although it doesn't apply at all to me or my husband.

:hi:

The only part on the woman side that ever applied to me is washing my hair twice and I admit I do love that big "beach towel" size body towel.

Funny stuff though. Thanks.

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent: $20.00 Oil Change $1.00 Coffee ---------------- $21.00 Total


Men:

1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4.. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.

Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee --------------------------- $1337 Total

Definitely with the cussing, though. :)

Men can choose instead of being chosen.

Choosing is good.

IMHO, YMMV,
Julie

The Difference Between Women And Men
1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


11. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

12. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.



And one of my favorites:

Q: Why do husbands die before their wives?
A: Because they want to!!

I've been married for 17 years, and through my experience, most of the above I find to be true. Just don't flame me and go all PC on me if your experience doesn't dovetail with the above; I post this strictly as an attempt at lame humor.

--they would have stopped and asked for directions, gotten there on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned up and put down fresh straw, brought practical gifts and made a casserole.

when a Woman says no to sex, it means no. without any repercussions. The male is expected to simply endure.

if a man says no to sex. instantly he is accused of
1) having an affair
2) loosing interest in his wife/girlfriend.
3) having too much porn
if she truly cares about him then
it is an Immediate trip to the doctor to find the Real reason he cannot perform upon demand.

My wife can walk into a room, a bar, just about any place and people want to talk to her.

me, not so much :)

...women take your best shot. I know you've got plenty of these about men!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably never be able to support you.

How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told
me.."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure

If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in
first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him
in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

...women take your best shot. I know you've got plenty of these about men!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably never be able to support you.

How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told
me.."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure

If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in
first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him
in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake

Till she hits perimenopause. Women's sex drives peak at close to forty (I believe the exact number is 38.)

Julie

And I believe you are correct :)

I admit it, I'm fat and bald and my boss pays me double what he pays my sister who works three times as hard as I do. He does this because I'm a man, and everyone knows we bond together.

I look awesome behind the wheel of a beautiful pick up truck. My bald head shines in the sun (if there is any sun) and my beer-gut and flabby arms are admired by women everywhere.

I tried to roof a house once, I fell off a ladder and hurt my back, but had to go back up after. Trust me, it's not something to envy.

I'm tall enough to reach the top shelves - but due to that unfortunate circumstance, people are forever asking me to get things for them.

Ok, flinging kids around is fun, you got me there. Though personally, I prefer to spin them around. They love it.

After I google and find out what Potus is (and after I finish scratching my balls in public and letting loose a manly belch) I'll get back to you.

That last one is the real kick in the nut sack isn't it?

Now, to be perfectly honest, I'm from Aroostook county. The men up here are macho and the women are generally just as tough as we are. Or so everyone (male or female) loves to pretend. Personally, I'm considered to be too feminine, I enjoy reading silly fantasy books and listen to "girly" music. I haven't gotten laid in years because all of the men up here are far more macho and masculine than I am.

Shit, I envy the bastards too.

it is 6am when I'm reading your post and I laughed so hard I scared the cat. :) -- I really needed that today too. Thanks. :)

without people making a fuss, or arresting them, or whatever.

I wish I could be fat and bald and still be valued by employers for what I can do.

You have spoken an absolute truth here, my friend. Here's one from me:

"I'd like the freedom to speak my mind to my colleagues and superiors without having to worry about a pink slip 1.2 minutes later."

My husband told me about a man at his job who got angry, stormed around confronting his co-workers, and called one of them a "c*nt." When his boss heard about it, he forced the man to apologize. That was it. Even my husband seemed to think that an apology was all that was needed to patch things up. All I could do was shake my head and say "DAMN it must be nice to be a man."

I think this whole thread is hilariously funny. It's good to know that some people still have and appreciate humor on DU.

There is one trade off to being tall enough to reach things from the high shelves. That also makes you tall enough to bang your head on the open shelf doors.

There I did good, I didn't even mention that it is my wife that leaves the shelf doors open. OOOOOPS

Raebrek!!!

I'm at just the right height to bang my head on the corners of the doors. Ticks me off, but I've learned to just go around and shut the doors after he goes through a room. *sigh*

Seems all men can do is destroy it.

Just an example, I got more.

:D

Someone had to start the Big Bang. :D

Not POTUS, and not bald, but the rest of your list I either do or have done.

I wish I could walk down the street and not get sexually harassed. That is what I wish, but with age and aging, I am getting there.

... I'm jealous of how they look with that beautiful blonde hair and those great bodies.

I love how they look when they drive in those red convertibles they all have.

I love how they look when they walk down the catwalks, and how their beautiful faces just beg us to buy magazines.

I wish I could look in a mirror and say to myself "Wow, that's gorgeous" the way women can.

Have I made my slightly snarky point yet? ;)

A drunk woman in a bar gets up and yells, "I'll bet $50 that I can pee higher on the wall than any man here." A drunker guy starts laughing and takes her on thinking that this will be the easiest $50 bucks he's ever made.

They go in another room and she pees on the wall. The guy starts laughing again and starts his effort when the woman shouts, "Oh no, no hands!"

and hour starting pay, and men $45 starting pay-for the SAME JOB! I had ten years more experience than the guy I started with, got my work done in 1/3 the time it took him, and almost never had corrections to make (he had many), yet I received "woman's pay" while he got the full man's hourly rate. I did go to the top with my complaints about the system and eventually made $40. My male coworkers would say "hey, you're doing great for a woman"! :grr:

I have to ask them to reach for items on the top shelf.

And it doesn't make me feel like less of a man.

And it's absolutely disgusting with the way women are treated in our society.