The Secret Lives Of Married Men

more: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/05/20/the-secret-lives-of-marri_n_102519.html

The Secret Lives Of Married Men
Huffington Post | May 20, 2008 07:01 AM

Read More: Cheating, Cheating Helps Marriage, Cheating Men, Cheatng Husbands, Extramarital Affair, Infidelity, Monogamy, Open Marriage, Open Relationship, Polyamory, Polygamy, The Case For Open Relationships, Video, Living News Show your support.

This week's New York magazine cover story delves into why the Spitzer scandal came as no surprise to a lot of married men. As the author explains,

When the Eliot Spitzer scandal broke in March, I had only sympathy for him: another middle-aged married guy tormented by his sexual needs. I'm 52 and have always struggled with the desire for sexual variety. Everyone gets an issue, and that's mine; it's given me pleasure and pain, and jolted my marriage. I'd only talked about my issue with any honesty over the years with about six or seven people, and when you leave out my wife and a therapist, they are all men.

So the conversation had a conspiratorial male character. When people at dinner parties cried out, "What was Spitzer thinking?" I whispered to a friend that I knew damn well what he was thinking: He wanted some "strange," to quote the old Kris Kristofferson line. Or we passed around JPEGS of Spitzer's date, Ashley Dupre, and commented on her luscious body. The governor's plight had the effect of outing me. When I told one married friend about my torment, he cut me off. "Everyone in our situation has had one or two episodes. Straying, wandering eye, a blowup. If you have a pulse."

Guys like him, in a position of power and with a lots of money have a lot of women drawn to them.

"I don't pay them to sleep with me - I pay them to go away afterward"

In this case, it backfired HARD on Eliot Spitzer (and David Vitter for that matter), but that's the reason why he paid for it.

...there's just something that's always weirded me out about having sex with someone who really doesn't want to have sex with you, that it's just their job. In my younger days when my hormones were raging I might not have felt the same way and I did live in a country where it was legal but I was too scared to even think about it. Serious. I was scared shitless when a few times when a few guys in the barracks said they were going to the red light district and wanted to know if I wanted to go too.

(editing to add quotes - I didn't think this one up myself)

"Sex with a prostitute isn't really sex, it's using a vagina to masturbate. "

But I guess it does pay someones bills

that may not want to have sex with you (paying for it)? I mean, even in the best relationships women are more often than not objectified by their man, especially during sex (although most people would never admit to this). she may love you, but doesn't always want to have sex with her man, either--so what is the difference in feeling IF you choose to pay or exchange something for sex?

It would be going through my mind the whole time that at the same moment in her mind she's thinking, "Hurry up asshole I've got more customers to get to"

I actually think prostitution should be legalized but for myself I'd prefer self gratification over something like that.

Spitzer's wife still wants to know what the hell they did for the rest of the 58 minutes he paid for :rofl:

I doubt they were discussing the State of New York.

The short answer is because men aren't the one dimensional caricatures that they are portrayed as.

which she didn't really want, but tolerated for the sake of the marriage.

So where's the big difference?

You can pay once for one instance of sex, or you can pay for a lifetime, financially, and emotionally for the privilege of being allowed to beg for sex, and maybe getting it twice a month. Sure. That's a bargain! Not!

No matter what, you ALWAYS pay for sex, and unless you are very young and/or newly married, you always have sex with a reluctant partner who merely tolerates you. Men who don't believe that are married to women who have successfully bamboozled them into believing otherwise.

are used to acting like their services are more like "wanted affairs," than a quick, meaningless sexual thing. I suspect anybody in that business plays it as though they truly want to be with their client. It's almost like a courtesan. They are schooled in making their clients feel like the only men whom they love to work with. And the clients, because of their huge egos, lap it all up.

There was a quote in the article about one of the author's friends who saw a nurse (who also worked as a high class call gir)l regularly. The way it was worded it almost seemed as though he dated her. But then he went on to say how much she loved sex, and he would show up, they'd have sex, and then he could leave. No strings. It was written to make it seem as though their relationship wasn't necessarily a financial transaction, but then it occurred to me that it was. And the "client" convinced himself that it was mutual. That she loves sex and couldn't wait to be with him. He's totally fooled himself.

My heart just bleeds.

Were married

I don't think so. But maybe that is because I married later in life, and my husband had already sowed his "wild oats". Hey, he was away from me for one night, and called to tell me he was home and looking forward to me returning from work.

I have slept with two women. My first wife, and my second wife.

Is that because I'm virtuous? NO! It's because I am, and always have been, painfully shy. I was faithful all those years because I didn't have the courage to make my fantasies come true. That does NOT mean I didn't dream about having a wild affair. I did. On many, many occasions.

At the moment, I've been divorced for 12 years and I've been celibate for 12 years. Again, not choice, but shyness, or at least lack of social skills.

My take on it is that every man wants to stray, but some men don't have the courage or the social skills to pull it off. They are falsely praised as "honorable", and "faithful", when in fact they are simply cowards.

You may speak for yourself, if you choose, but not for the rest of us...

I've been very unconfident around women all of my life, and I appreciate the honesty of what you're saying. But the past few years I've finally figured out that yes, I could find an attractive, willing partner should I choose to cheat. And I've realized that even if I could be guaranteed that "nobody" would ever find out, I just don't want to do that.

As Jimmy Carter once confessed, I, like virtually all of us, have "lusted in my heart." But I want my brain to run my life, not my gonads.

... because I know that in the right circumstances, regardless of my mostly virtuous behavior, I'm imperfect.

I avoid situations in which my gonads have the opportunity to shout down my brain.

might have the "courage" (I don't consider it courage, but to each their own), but may actually not want to hurt their partners. Their partner's feelings come first. And that is virtue.

Goodness. If you want to "stray" because some needs aren't being met, talk to your partner about those needs. If you have a good relationship, I bet she (or he) will go wild in the bedroom with you.

and never wanted to do more than look at another woman. I just can't
understand the "wild oats" middle age crisis thing. I've never wanted
to be with anyone else. Besides shes a great back-up guitarist.

What a guy! This, folks, is a REAL man! GOOD FOR YOU!!!

Not even close to all. The vast majority of men that I am friends with do not. Those who do are looked upon as having lower standards for themselves, which is hardly something to be envied.

The most common affairs these days take place in the work place. This is not a coincidence. We live in a society where employers need employees who are willing to dedicate endless hours to their work. This is not as likely to happen if the worker prefers to be home with his or her spouse, rather than "working overtime." One need look no further than a series of commercials that promote the idea of a worker having an affair with a "rental car" while on a business trip. Subtle.

One's spouse should be their best friend. Anyone who will cheat on their best friend has standards very different than my friends and I.

I think that every so often, someone will write an article with some claim like the one in the OP, in order to try to further their own career. The most obvious response to the "men are cheaters by nature" thinking is that for every married man having an affair, there is a woman engaged in an affair with a married man. And while many people do cheat on their spouses, the truth is that the majority of people are good and decent, and their best qualities are enhanced by their most important relationship.

I had very limited experience with men and dating and such, so I really didn't know. When my husband and I exchanged our vows, we took each other as the most sacred trust and gift from God. We are best friends, and have shared our lives, and our souls, for 19 years now. I can't imagine it being any other way. I'm glad others feel this is how it should be.

after my first marriage ended, I was part of a men's support group. I enjoyed the opportunity to talk and listen to a wide range of men, who had had a wide range of experiences, and who had a wide range of values. On one of my books shelves, I have three spiral notebooks full of notes that I made in the hours after those meetings. Sometimes, I am tempted to put them into book form, not because I think I have any particularly important insight, but because I think it might offer a learning tool to other men .... and might be of interest to women, as well.

As a single father, I had no plans to get involved in any relationship. Raising two young boys took a lot of energy, as they had a lot of adjustments to work through. But, as John Lennon sang, life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. I met a lady who was different than anyone I've ever encountered. And I have had the opportunity in this curious lifetime to meet a lot of fascinating people. Despite my efforts not to, I entered a new phase of life, and now, many years later, I can honestly say that my heart still beats faster when I see my wife. What might sound like little things are still treats to me: going grocery shopping, playing Scrabble, and having the evening meal prepared when she gets home from work. More, I know that I am not alone in this. Many of my friends have very similar relationships, and they comprise our circle of friends.

I am glad that you have found the right person for you. If you and your husband lived nearer to us, or we to you, I am confident that we would be all be friends. Your posts on DU are the type of things that has convinced me that people are, by nature, good. I thank you for that.

none of us are completely faithful.

In fact, while I type this I'm having sex with my mistress right now!!!

If you haven't detected the sarcasm by this point, maybe this will help. :sarcasm:

In all honestly, before I was married, I had trouble if I was dating two women at once. Just way to complicated. I can't and don't want to even imagine what it would be like trying to juggle an affair. The guilt alone would kill me.

I've been separated from my wife and living alone for a year and I haven't strayed. I'm not an emotional multitasker - I can't even think of moving on without closing the door on my marriage first.

But in Spitzer's case, the hypocrisy and irony that he got snared in the very kind of web he had often set, is beautiful.

That goes whether you're a man or a woman, gay or straight.

If you find partway through that you can't do it, tell your spouse and offer them the option of a divorce.

I find this behavior and these apologetics revolting.

even if she were. If humans were meant to be monogamous they would seldom if ever cheat on their spouses. I have never expected my spouse to be faithful, just to be honest!

I agree. I can't stand it when people try to justify cheating by claiming monogamy is too hard or unnatural. If one cannot or does not wish to be monogamous, then they should refrain from getting into a relationship with someone who expects exclusivity.

Suffered thyroiditis eight years ago. Been "enjoying" my second virginity ever since...:(

full of men who can be faithful. But my heart bleeds for ya.

chance he can be faithful. Also, a lot of men use sex as a pain reliever, an addiction, which with internet porn is more rampant than most realize. If a man is not in his pain-body so to speak, he doesn't have the need as much to inadvertantly (sp?) destroy everything around him as well!

A wife, a mistress and a girlfriend.

Also...

Every man on the planet finds 17 year old girls attractive.
If he says he doesn't, he's either lying, or gay, in which case he finds 17 year old boys attractive.

Yes, of course there are exceptions, but these two concepts are the rule. This is what we are programmed to do.

-----------

I was lucky enough to have lived for a number of years in a hippie sexkult in the Haight-Ashbury.
I had 8 "wives", and shared them with 6 other "husbands."
It was, literally, a different smart, lovely woman every night of the week, and they were all best friends with each other. There was little or no jealousy. That kind of thing is certainly not for everybody.

Now that I'm a middle-aged man in a monogamous relationship, with a woman who understands, but would not want to live that kind of lifestyle, I have to feel for all those guys out there who have never experienced living without that secret life. It really does suck to be a guy sometimes, and it really was freeing to be able to spend at least a few years experiencing open and honest non-monogamy. For me.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kerista

i don't believe people were shocked that a powerful man cheats, they felt obligated to pretend to be shocked because we are a society of phonies and pretenders

There are many men who are faithful to their girlfriend or their wife! I know, because they have been my friends or family members. My boyfriend is faithful to me, and I am faithful to him.

Don't suggest I'm naive. I know what unfaithfulness/cheating looks like.

"it's better to have a truthful relationship, where both people are happy, and that is not monogamous, than one that is supposedly monogamous but is full of lies and guilt."

I'm blessed to have married a woman who, like me, doesn't consider fidelity to be an essential part of marriage. Honesty and love are more important. In our roughly 15 year relationship, I've slept with two other women (the most recent was 7 years ago, so this isn't a common thing). She, being bi, has slept with one other man and two women.

We don't consider ourselves "swingers", but we don't see the hangup that most people have on the subject either. There are a few simple ground rules. 1. No RELATIONSHIPS. Being married is the only relationship we should need. Sex is another matter. 2. Be SAFE at all times. The only unprotected sex is between us. 3. No sex with mutual friends or acquaintances. That's just awkward. 4. We always tell the other person. They don't need to know the gory details, but the other person should be aware that it's happening so they don't get caught off-guard.

The funny thing is, many married guys would kill for a marriage like mine, using it as a pass to sleep with as many women as they want. I essentially have my wife's PERMISSION to cheat, and yet its not something I really have much interest in doing. Woman #1 was a childhood friend AND I was drunk, and woman #2 was a drop dead gorgeous co-worker (also married, though I don't think she had permission) who I'd spent months coming to know and fantasize about. Though I technically could, I have no interest in trolling the bars for people to sleep with, much less paying for it. The tantalizing forbidden fruit became much less tantalizing once the forbidden part was taken away.

Just having the "forbidden fruit" factor taken out of the equation does a lot to help settle REAL priorities, I've found.


You know, if the author of this article actually could bring himself to talk with actual women about this (the fact that he can't in itself speaks volumes) he'd find that fantasizing about variety is ALMOST UNIVERSAL. Many women do it too, duh. Many women physically crave it more than chocolate.

Acting on it in a deceptive way is the rubicon that shouldn't be crossed. But it's also, a lot of the time, what gives the fantasy its thrill, that taboo element.

The author started out saying that he had all those inclinations that Spitzer had. And he ended it deferring to his wife. It was really annoyingly and cloyingly written.

And I believe that men have more control than this author claims that they do. Some just choose not to use it.