The aftermath of one suicide

After finding my son's body on a sunny Sept. morning in 2007, my world as I knew it, came to an end.
I have since attempted,feebly, but still attempted suicide twice. The thought of never seeing my son again and the last time I did see him he was hanging from a rope has shattered me and I will never again be happy, sane or whole again.It kills me that he ended his life over what were really problems that could have been solved.
My macho, construction worker husband is a wreck. He also crys constantly....he feels guilty as all of us do, because we did not see Danny was having problems. You see, that is what you torture yourself with after someone suicides. The what ifs, the whys, the could of's and should of's.
That never goes away,by the way.........We cling to each other at night..shattered
Danny's brother his only sibling,is starting to drink more...something he had previously concurred.
His wife believes she heard when it happened. They live upstairs she heard what sounded like a door slam. In retrospect, she knows its when Danny stepped off the ladder to his death. She now has anxiety attacks and is still on meds for that.
His 88 year old grandmother always looks so sad. Dannys death has been harder on her than her husband of 60 years.
Danny's friends are destroyed. They all loved Danny so very much and life is not the same for any of them. They beat themselves up wondering why he didn't say anything to them...
I could go on and on but I will stop here.
Before any tells me how guilting or blaming doesn't help..well no shit sherlock...
I only want to share the fact that there is a giant price that will be paid by those you love

But, I am very sorry for the pain.

i am so, so sorry that you lost your son that way. please hang in there. with love and all good wishes for your family's well being, bekah's mom barbara

I cannot imagine the loss of a child under any circumstance. How painful it must be.
Please focus on your own recovery. The pain that you descibe will only be multiplied if you were to leave.

hugs to you.

what happens to a family. I know when you are suicidal your only thought is relief from your pain.
Your pains over but for those who love you if goes on and on and on

I now realize how selfish that is ... and the fact that
I haven't succeeded has only proven to me that God doesn't
want me out of this world -- I need to stay here and learn
more about why I was put here in the first place.

Even in our darkest pain, there is ALWAYS something we
can do to help someone else, someone who is in even worse
shape than we are ... That's one thing I'm realizing the
longer I DO stick around. Thank you for sharing your
pain because it has once again reminded me that there is
ALWAYS something to get up for in the morning ... something
beyond yourself, someone else you can help.

God bless you and your family.

I really appreciate it. I would only take issue with the word selfish. I personally don't believe that a suicidal person is thinking rationally...there for its not a selfish act. Its an act of deperation...however the world of those left behind is forever altered too

I simply wanted out of the pain. What was so moving --
and instructive -- about your post was that it reminded
me that yet again of "the morning after" and the one after
that ... all the things I've not been thinking of when I just
wanted the pain to stop. I guess "self-centered" or "self-
absorbed" would probably be a better way to describe it,
because, if anything, a suicidal person really isn't
selfish ENOUGH -- when we get to that point, we aren't
really loving ourselves the way we should, and realizing
what a gift life CAN be.

and people wonder for the rest of their lives what they could have done to help their loved one before that fatal day.
My younger sibling was separated from her husband for over six months back in 1983. He was still obsessed with her and he invited her to spend a weekend back at their old house. He was never violent just obsessive. That weekend she had to work and told him she could not come. When he didn't turn up to work on Monday, his office called her - he was always on time, just as obsessive with his work. She and his brother went to the house and saw bullets on the dining table. They immediately called the police and they all went out looking for him in the woods behind the house. There he was stone cold dead that sad November.

My mother went to her grave believing he was planning to take her with him.
I never believed that because it never once crossed my mind that he could kill a fly let alone my sister or himself.

She had a hard time dealing with it but took a year off and then went to law school. She's been married again for ten years, but I know that changed her forever.

in grief. The only difference is that she watched her husband do it...the flashbacks are overwhelming for her

Painful indeed.

Your words expose the train-wreck of devastation left in the wake of a suicide. Sadly, for a severely depressed person often all they can see is the end to their own immediate suffering. They don't intentionally mean to wreak havoc on their loved ones they're leaving behind. They simply cannot see beyond their blinding pain.

Thank you for sharing your experience. If one person reads your words and it helps them reconsider their options, then you've saved not only a life, but also the quality of life for all their loved ones. :hug:

personally I don't think that my son was selfish. Again, I am speaking for me, because that is all any of us can do. Danny was not thinking straight. He wouldn't want us to be screwed up because of his suicide. I think in his confused and panicked state of mind he thought he was doing us a favor. I know that is how I have felt in the deepest darkest place since his death. I have felt like a burden with my sorrow to my family...and that I would be doing them a favor. Not true of course, but depression is the great deceiver

People confuse depression with feeling bad or sad. It's appropriate to feel sad when someone dies or things aren't going well. Depression is when you're feeling bad even when thingsare going well or when you see no way out of what others see as a trivial problem. The classic example is the student with all the great grades who commits suicide over a single "B".


On edit - can you post this over at the Mental Health Support Group?

I do not think the word "selfish" belongs anywhere near the word "suicide".

When a person is stuck in a mental illness their thoughts are twisted. They do not mean harm to any one.

I have bipolar disorder with panic disorder and I know that there have been times in my life where when I look back I realize I just was not living in the world of reality.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell you that after I lost a lover I went to a grief support group and it helped me more than I ever thought it would.

Be gentle with yourself.

We went as family to Suiviors of Suicide. Helps but does not make the intense pain go away.
I agree with you on the word "selfish"
thank you for your kind reply

I know that a person suffering from depression is not knowingly being selfish. I've been there myself. I hope you do understand that wasn't my intention to in anyway imply your son was selfish. I just thought your words did such a painful job of expressing the damage left behind and exposing the consequences of the act.

It was a poor choice of words to be sure. My apologies if it in anyway offended you. It wasn't my intention.

:hug:

but I encourage you to keep sharing your feelings with us on this board.

I'm a 66 year old guy - conditioned by age and upbringing to be stoic about things such as suicide.

But I can see that even in my case I'd be much better off if I was able to let some of it out.

If it gets to you again -put up another post. Even if nobody responds you will feel better for doing it.

If nothing else you have helped us by making us think about it.

I can imagine the grief. I'm overwhelmed just thinking about the situation.

Please get this book. I prefered the audio cd because I could sit and listen. It will help. A lot.

by Eckhart Tolle- A New Earth.


The book is so incredible. Just one thing I recall right now is that everything here is temporary. And yet nothing dies. But the most important is that there is nothing but this moment. The past doesn't exist. And neither does the future. If we accept what is, only then can we begin to progress to a more peaceful place. I'm sorry I cannot do better at this. I'm getting ready to read the book again because I know how powerful it is.

It's ok. We're all together.

I have been reading anything I can get my hands on

I am so sorry for you and your family's loss. And yes, I have always thought of suicide as a very selfish act, but in reading through your comments, you're right- he was not thinking rationally. But it really does hurt those that you've left behind. Please hang in there- you'll never forget, but you will survive. Please see a counselor if you can. They can help you to heal. Dawn

My star has recently expired, perhaps I am the only one seeing this but their is a huge ad on top and to the left of this member's post advertising suicide ring tones for you cell phones. It is hideous , tasteless, and mind boggling cruel to see this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

we are all in therapy and have been since the beginning. We are all also on anti-depressants and I have to take a medication to be able to sleep

and my heart goes out to you and your family. A very dear friend also lost her son to suicide last year. He hanged himself in his father's basement last July, only a couple of months before you lost your beloved son. I have no words for you that might ease your pain, but I do know that my friend has been involved with an organization that works to prevent suicide and she thinks it's helped her to focus and channel her emotions into something positive. While this might not be for everyone, I just wanted to offer up that suggestion to you. I just can't imagine the depth of what you are going through. I've faced times over the years that I thought I would find my son's body as well, but not necessarily due to suicide. So I have a small glimpse of the dispair and utter heartbreak that follows such an action. What I think I've learned at least this last year is that no matter what signs were evident, no matter how you try to imagine what he might have been going through, that ultimately the pain he suffered to him was unbearable. What he did was to merely stop the pain. And now there is no more pain. He is at peace. He did none of this to hurt any of you and I know you know that. He just did the only thing that he could think of that would release him from his suffering. If he could, he would want you to tell his story so that others might find a different release for their pain. At least that's what I've learned through this ordeal with my friend. I hope you can find some comfort in it.

Peace

it does help. I am involved in a suicide prevention group, AFSP. {American Foundation for Suicide Prevention} 3 weeks after Danny's death our family did an "Out of the Darkness Walk" to raise money. We plan to do the same this October. I feel ill equipped to lead a support group at this time and they recommend you do not do so until at least a year or 2 after your loss, however that is my long term goal.
Thank you again for your honesty.....

you cannot blame yourself.

A person who is suffering from severe depression is not thinking rationally, and cannot be reasoned with. At least, I couldn't. I had family and friends try to talk to me about many times, and I can see their faces now as they were struggling to think of some way to broach the subject. Nothing got through-- least of all the therapist my dad took me to see. I thought about ending it all the time, and made several attempts, always thinking at the last minute, "I'll wait one more day and see if things get better". That's the only reason I'm here. It had nothing to do with anyone around me. A person suffering from depression is caught up in their own internal struggle, and nothing you can ever say will break through that. Nothing.

I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

This experience has made me see things from both sides. I mourn the loss of my son and wish he sought treatment, talked to us, anything but what he decided to do.
And from the aftermath, I know what it's like to feel like you want nothing but relief from the pain, are really not thinking about anyone else.....
Your comment about "I'll wait one more day and see if things get better" is exactly how i have made it so far. Thank you for sharing.