Infidelity? How much of it is simply opportunity?

Ever noticed that this sort of thing is really common in folks who are on the road all the time, interacting with attractive and interesting people in more places than most Americans will ever see? Actors change lovers more often than most of us change our socks. Sports stars break records with their "conquests." Rock stars? ROFL. Legend. And, yes, politicians.

I sometimes wonder how many of us regular folks can brag about our fidelity because we're 1) not particularly attractive, 2) about as charismatic as a pile of sand, or 3) rarely out of sight of our S.O.s for long enough to talk to an interesting and attractive member of whatever sex suits us, much less hop in the sack with him or her.

I'm not sure how many of us would not stumble if put in the position where we actually had a chance to stumble in this way. I certainly like to think I wouldn't cheat--and I've got a certain amount of history to back it up--but who's to say what we might do if our defenses were lowered? Mild depression, marital conflict, mid-life crisis, an unexpected intimate connection with a new acquaintance... who's to say?

Actors seem to fall prey to forced intimacy that leads to affairs and sudden breakups. Fact is that simply by examining the whole picture we see that those who spend a lot of time away from their partners and spouses almost ALWAYS fall prey to temptation, no matter how upright they seem to be.

It's easy to climb up on a moral high horse and don the guise of sainthood, but it's far more difficult to put ourselves in the position of someone for whom temptation is possibly a near daily occurence. Slip and fall? Nah. Couldn't happen to ME.

Nice to think so, ain't it?

Best case--avoid temptation. Stay out of hotel bars at closing time when you're on the road. Don't spend time alone with the sort of person who might possibly tempt you. Avoid questionable situations. Step not on that slippery slope. It's a bit like deliberately choosing to limit one's access to a motor vehicle when one knows one is planning on potentially drinking enough to impair judgment. Or deliberately choosing to avoid people who might provoke a violent response.

One doesn't need to be perfect, or a saint. One just has to be fully conscious of one's strengths and weaknesses and plan accordingly.

Of course, one can also choose to be ruled by the gonads rather than by the brain that matters and take none of this into consideration until one is standing on the cusp of what might be the biggest mistake of one's life. That's how the celebrities seem to do it. Great role models, don't you think? :sarcasm:

All said, I'm not about to pass judgment on someone who slipped and fell. There, but for the grace of gawd (and a certain amount of foresight) go I.

oh OK

I practically INVENTED the "walk a mile in another's moccasins." Sorry about your disability in that regard.

that is just MAKING EXCUSES

Did I use too many big words for you?

:nopity:

I'm stunned by your creativity.

Spent a large part of my life trying to get back in.

i married late and like the person i married so it really hasnt been hard at all. you may have a point, but having seen my oppotunities i am not so sure. i am not imagining i am so "unique".

can one be ruled if they choose it? you say choose to be ruled by gonads. isnt the choosing itself excluding being ruled?

there for the grace of gawd..... and certain amount of foresight. well of course the foresight comes in. it is when one chooses to not acknowledge the foresight cause they think they are above being caught that gets them in trouble

again.... i am not judging edwards. it will be his to do with those that love him, whatever the consequence. BUT, if he had won the primary he was setting us all up. i think that is what many have the issue with here on du.

I mean, one might ask oneself, "under what circumstances MIGHT I do something like that?" As I get older, and more comfortable with who I am, I find that the list is shrinking. I can't imagine running across an old girlfriend, or even that obiquitious "celebrity" conquest some people fantasize about, and falling prey to baser instincts. Of course I'm also prone to over-thinking everything, which doesn't easily lend itself to such things. If one considers the pros and cons, the cons SO outweight the pros. I mean, what's the BEST one can see coming out of such an encounter? One night of fun? A secretive, illicit affair that's almost guaranteed to blow up in one's face? Or maybe being put in the position of having to keep TWO people happy when it's trying enough sometimes to manage to keep ONE person happy, or at least content, for as long as it might continue? No thanks.

People are all too often ruled by their impulses and don't bother thinking of what lies beneath their own assumptions. That's where I think many of these people run into trouble.

when i was young i didnt need to learn a lesson from something i did. i learned watching other, especially my brothers and that was enough for me.

and yes.... impulsive probably has a lot to do with it. but then they choose impulsive so they can do it cause IF they thought it through... hey, it wouldnt be done

It all odds up to character.

A cheater will cheat no matter what excuse they want to blame it on.

made a similar slip. It's fairly obvious that Democrats and Republicans are held to a different standard--even by us, I guess. Almost ironic.

they're all pigs

but we certainly do. we have since i have been on here especially with their hypocrisy of family values and the media doing nothing nor the repug voters when they went after clinton so.

i am being consistent in being pissed at edwards.

those defending edwards are the ones being contradictive at best, or hypocrits.

I hate this kind of hypocritical bullshit in repukes and I DESPISE it in Democrats

It's a waste of breath, for one. What I will comment on, on the other hand, is those who try to pretend to moral rectitude who have so blatantly failed to practice it. There is a difference.

once I get past the WTF WERE THEY THINKING stage, it truly angers me reading Edwards' quotes, for example, on gay marriage. Digusting beyond belief. :thumbsdown:

to cheat if that is what I had chosen to do.

I have been married for 24 years (and dating for 28) I have never ever cheated, period. It isn't what I chose to do. It's a choice, and has very little to do with "opportunity".

Not that that's an excuse but lord knows us dudes can be slaves to our penises.

and women???? what is their excuse

grossly UNDERestimate the # of men they've been with.

The discrepancy is huge and makes clear the level of dishonesty by both sides.

most of these adulterers are fucking females. HELLO!!!

I wasnt aware of that is there a study on that or something?

the guys who are fucking around on their wives are HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN - those WOMEN apparently have some kind of SEX DRIVE TOO

with Rielle having his kid. It sure as hell as paid off handsomely thus far, hasn't it?

not just about that skank Rielle

And it also makes the assumption that all affairs are heterosexual.

I am not discounting that women also have sex drives. I do believe though that the incidence rate of affairs is higher in men than women.

leaving the conclusion that some relations are of the homosexual persuasion.......don't make the mistake of thinking women don't have lots of affairs - they may not be for the same reason but they do have them

www.womensinfidelity.com Very interesting stuff. I just recently had to deal with a certain level of betrayal by my wife over a person from her high school years. They exchanged life stories after connecting on classmates.com. I became uncomfortable with the number of emails being exchanged and she resented my concern...so she took it to a secret level while promising me she'd stop contact. Three months later I find out she'd been texting him for some time. She denies any any emotional connection. I said she felt something significant enough about the situation to take it secret and break my trust. She acknowledged the betrayal and deception and vows to never again threaten our marriage, but now we have work to do to rebuild my trust in her. You feel you may know your spouse until... well, you just never know what curves life throws at you. My wife lost her father to cancer a year ago and says she feels lost. Apparently this guy she knew from high school helped shake her out of her doldrums. Go to that site and you will be astounded by what the author has to say.

and?

You must like pain. :rofl:

Who service more than one guy.

without paying and doesnt mean the man is married ergo equally having an affair.

i have yet to have a man say no to me when i asked for sex

i have said no to plenty of men

statisitically women are not too far behind men

so answer

if men just cannot help it, out of control cause their penis control them, then why are so many women having affairs too

just cause they are a bitch??????

"i have yet to have a man say no to me when i asked for sex

i have said no to plenty of men"

Pretty much says it all doesn't it?

destroying argument and you once again didnt answer me.

or are you suggesting that cause i do say no, lol lol i dont have or want sex as much. maybe i just get to be more particular and dont have to settle for less than what i want

regardless

women are equally fucking around without that ole testostrone/penis that makes a man helpless.

how come. i want just one intelligent reasonable answer

we're not that naive

It is the conscious cover up of it while spending other peoples money to run an incredibly risky run for the presidency that has so many in an uproar.

The affair itself is utterly forgetable in a sea of politicians and affairs it is the fact that he was willing to risk the white house in such an important election that has many of us in an uproar.

He knew this was a problem in 2006 as did Elizabeth they consciously chose to run anyway. It appears there was some sort of payoff going on as well throughout which makes it even worse.

No one really cares if john had an affair its the chance he took with our country. had he not run for president this would not be news.

are the ones defending edwards and ignoring what you say and what many others say, repeatedly

Maybe it became clear that the indiscretion wasn't going to remain under the sheets, so to speak.

but the corporate media is far more willing to make a federal case of it than they were in the day of, oh, I don't know, John and Bobby Kennedy. We're all to willing to help them crucify our people--we'll even happily supply the nails. If asked "let he who is without sin cast the first stone," we're all stepping up to the line waiting for our turn to throw.

it was different ties then communication were not what they are now. Ever tom dick and harry wasn't running around with a camera on their phone then.

Again though it isn't about the affair its the willing cover up of it while entering into the race for the presidency. Had it been corruption of some sort it would be every bit as maddening. It has nothing to do with the sex. Its the willing cover up.

On infidelity, it appears that the majority of Americans have no room to judge.

have affairs with women who are dogs in comparison. Not unusual so looks doesn't really have a lot to do with it.

or so they say.

sex

i guess it is all in the attitude

ever wanted to have an affair. My sex life is great, thanks. (When two people love each other it usually is).

Had I decided that straying was in my future I would've gotten a divorce first.

that one is new. That is what divorce is for.

this is the stupid with so many. we have been married 14 yrs.... thru that time we would periodically say, damn, what is everyone bitching about, this is great. sex just gets better. after 13 yrs one time hubby says, sex sure is good with you.... just hit me like wow, isn't that nifty. for those whining after so many years married, they aren't doing something right. not familiarity problem, individual problem.

buttons!

Reading these threads, you'd think John Edwards just discovered the New World.

while we hear about the famous, this goes on in the lives of non famous people including those who don't have a chance to meet many different people in their lives.

and there are many attractive people who don't cheat.

version of Ian McEwan's "Atonement". Recommended.

Keep up that foresight, please, thanks.

It's true for males and females, in humans and simians.

From Stan Roger's You Can't Stay Here

You can't stay here
Maybe you can't see why
But I'm an old-fashioned guy
And I'd rather be...lonely.

Maybe you think I'm unkind when I tell you to go away
I know what you offer, and I could be softer
And tell you to stay.

But to me, you're a stranger, to touch you is danger, I know it's true.
'Cause what I've got at home is too dear, to risk for an hour with you.
You can't stay here.

I'll be all right alone.
And when I'm safe in her arms at home...
I'll thank you for leaving.

here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5IVuN1N6-Y&feature=related

which goes to show that the issue is alive within society.

with my husband.

Of course opporunity factors into it, but then again everyone gets the opportunity to screw up.

Some more than others.

How much opportunity Edwards had doesn't really factor into whether or not I am dissappointed in his choices.

Most people don't HAVE to get married, so if a person likes a LOT of "variety" and might be "tempted", perhaps marriage in the first place is not a great idea..

Every person I know who "forgave" a cheating spouse, may have said the words, but in their hearts they never forgave.. they accepted.. there's a big difference..

Once you make a public (and legal) commitment to another person, it just seems like the decent thing to hold to your end of the bargain..

In 38+ years of marriage, I'm guessing that both of us had the "opportunity" more than a few times, but we both chose to avoid the temptation...different is not necessarily "better"..

Divorce is incredibly easy these days, so if a person wants more than his/her spouse, then just do the decent thing and cut the other person loose too, and then have at it..

IF you are a public person, your actions WILL be of interest, so it's especially wise to be a serial monogamist, instead of a repeat adulterer :)

:nuke:

I sometimes wonder how many of us regular folks can brag about our fidelity because we're 1) not particularly attractive, 2) about as charismatic as a pile of sand, or 3) rarely out of sight of our S.O.s for long enough to talk to an interesting and attractive member of whatever sex suits us, much less hop in the sack with him or her.

The older I get the more cynical I become.

It's one thing to resist temptation that isn't really even there, it's entirely another to resist temptation that's blatantly thrown in your face daily.

I wonder what kind of offers Obama is getting?

I completely agree with your points.

Thanks for sharing.

CHAPTER VIII
13. He had gone on to Rome before me to study law--which was the worldly way which his parents were forever urging him to pursue--and there he was carried away again with an incredible passion for the gladiatorial shows. For, although he had been utterly opposed to such spectacles and detested them, one day he met by chance a company of his acquaintances and fellow students returning from dinner; and, with a friendly violence, they drew him, resisting and objecting vehemently, into the amphitheater, on a day of those cruel and murderous shows. He protested to them: “Though you drag my body to that place and set me down there, you cannot force me to give my mind or lend my eyes to these shows. Thus I will be absent while present, and so overcome both you and them.” When they heard this, they dragged him on in, probably interested to see whether he could do as he said. When they got to the arena, and had taken what seats they could get, the whole place became a tumult of inhuman frenzy. But Alypius kept his eyes closed and forbade his mind to roam abroad after such wickedness. Would that he had shut his ears also! For when one of the combatants fell in the fight, a mighty cry from the whole audience stirred him so strongly that, overcome by curiosity and still prepared (as he thought) to despise and rise superior to it no matter what it was, he opened his eyes and was struck with a deeper wound in his soul than the victim whom he desired to see had been in his body. Thus he fell more miserably than the one whose fall had raised that mighty clamor which had entered through his ears and unlocked his eyes to make way for the wounding and beating down of his soul, which was more audacious than truly valiant--also it was weaker because it presumed on its own strength when it ought to have depended on Thee. For, as soon as he saw the blood, he drank in with it a savage temper, and he did not turn away, but fixed his eyes on the bloody pastime, unwittingly drinking in the madness--delighted with the wicked contest and drunk with blood lust. He was now no longer the same man who came in, but was one of the mob he came into, a true companion of those who had brought him thither. Why need I say more? He looked, he shouted, he was excited, and he took away with him the madness that would stimulate him to come again: not only with those who first enticed him, but even without them; indeed, dragging in others besides. And yet from all this, with a most powerful and most merciful hand, thou didst pluck him and taught him not to rest his confidence in himself but in thee--but not till long after.

http://www.ccel.org/ccel/augustine/confessions.ix.html

All said, I'm not about to pass judgment on someone who slipped and fell.

I'll do it for you.

I dunno where you get the idea that being cute is a prerequisite to being unfaithful. The two have very little to do with one another. The important thing is the will to cheat.

I agree with the old saying "Where there is a will, there is a way".

Without the will, opportunities never materialize or are rejected.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I'll be dreaming I'm in a fancy hotel room with an old girlfriend, acquaintance, or some scientist I used to have a crush on, maybe she's getting out of the shower naked, and suddenly I'll notice she's not my wife and blurt out something like, "Hey wait a minute! I'm married!"

The dream always ends there, either I'll wake up, or I'll change the circumstances of the dream substantially.

In the real world I'm so secure in my monogamy that it doesn't even occur to me that someone might really be hitting on me. I'm certain I've missed the signals a few times.

Who knows, it could be a genetic thing. I like to think if I wasn't wired for monogamy I'd not have to skulk about pretending I was something I wasn't, and that I'd not make some promise in marriage I couldn't keep.

and cute. i like

i like your whole post. intersting hearing your perspective

i agree. this monogamy isnt a hard thing

Despite being "as charismatic as a pile of sand" I know myself well enough that I avoid travelling jobs.

I think that just about anyone will cheat, given the right circumstances. Prudent (and ethical) people avoid those circumstances.

but on this i had to reanalyze that statement.

i dont like to give this to just everybody. i have seen other posters on the board defend this by saying, well how can you say for sure you wouldn't do it. i know for sure i wouldn't do it. under any circumstance. and i dont want ot own it.

not to be holier than thou

or self righteous

but cause i dont want any part of it and i know others that feel the same, both gender. i dont think it is a gender, but a character thing

i watched a person i loved be hurt so bad by this behavior she killed herself

i know i wont be doing it. for any reason. anytime.

But Gillian Anderson and Minnie Driver haven't shown up naked at my hotel room door yet.

So, I figure I'm only different from John Edwards by degree.

With all due respect, I am skeptical that there is no scenario which will cause any person with a normal sex drive, no matter how saintly, to stray.

I am blessed with an almost total lack of social graces. It's easy for me to be chaste. ;)

so we dont agree. not a biggie.

i think having the... all people are capable, just a body away, sure does make it easy for those that chose to

>Prudent (and ethical) people avoid those circumstances.<

Let's put it this way. I am a larger woman. I am not the most gorgeous woman you'll ever meet. I'm not alone with a guy that my husband works with and another guy that works at a local business we frequent. They've made it clear they find me attractive and interesting. Spending time alone with either of them is playing with fire.

I got some valuable advice from a woman twenty years ago on another issue that I've never, ever forgotten. She told me, "Don't ever say never." It's best to recognize that one is not infallible, and conduct oneself accordingly.

Julie

If you're running for President, don't screw around, because You. Will. Get. Caught.

It showed arrogance and poor judgment on Edwards part. As a former major Edwards supporter, I'm disappointed, to say the least.