To Be A Republican You Need To Believe.....

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to
enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is
none of our business.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then
it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

15. Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is
irrelevant.

17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

If you don't send this to at least 10 other people, we're likely to be stuck with more Republicans in
'07 and '08.

letting the Neo-Cons and the Fundies into leadership roles in their party makes them look schizophrenic, loving god and greed at the same time. Claiming the moral high ground when they clearly have none.

Fringe groups have ruined them. As Democrats we should take a lesson in this.

is of no concern to the American people, but a single indiscretion of a Democrat who dropped out of the race months ago must remain front-and-center news.

...

19. Socialized medicine medicine is the great evil that will remove money and choice from the public. Socialized military currently does the same thing to the tune of trillions of dollars annually, but that's okay.

20. Everyone will respect your great patriotism when you adorn your house, car and person with an obscene amount of copies of the American flag, even though they were printed in China on cloth loomed in China but purchased at Wal-Mart who helped moved your jobs there.

(On Edit: I forgot this one important phrase! If it's not made in America, it's not an American flag! Morans!)

21. Duct tape and thin plastic over your windows will keep you safe when your Republican-controlled government hasn't been able to accomplish that so far.

22. Little brown people from the south have been taking your jobs, not the Republican-controlled or -thwarted congresses of the last 18 years that have been shipping your jobs off to foreign soil where you'll never see or work in them again.

(Wake up, they can't take what isn't here to take! Morans.)

23. Faux News is "fair and balanced". That's why they don't allow anyone faintly to the left of Attilla the Hun within a mile of any of their broadcasts. And no, Colmes, despite a single moment of finding the one hair on his arse still doesn't count.

24. Tax breaks for corporations that make billions in profit annually, in such an amount that they don't have to pay taxes at all makes perfect sense. Shoving that tax burden downward to people making less than $100,000 a year to make up the difference is called "trickle-down".

(I call it "the drizzling shits".)

Juries that impose large civil damage awards are all kooks but not one jury has ever mistakenly given out a death penalty.