A guide to campaign mumbo-jumbo

Here is "Reg's Dictionary of the Political Language" (2008).

Abstinence-only education: The theory that immature, hormone-exploding teens living in one of the most sexually active times in history will not benefit from any mention of contraception in schools. See also, "Triumph of hope over experience."

Bridge to Nowhere: Bridge to Somewhere, i.e., the White House, once position is changed from support to opposition.

Community organizer: Hateful type of person who pads his resume by helping poor people.

Conservative: A person who has his underwear perpetually in a bunch but blames the laundry for the situation.

Democrats: Members of a political party dedicated to pulling defeat from the jaws of victory.

Executive experience: A newly important qualification for high office that only former mayors of small towns are said to possess.

Fair and balanced: The motto of a TV network catering to viewers seeking news that is unfair and unbalanced covering those they hate.

Foreign policy experience: A special knowledge shared only by war heroes or governors of states bordering foreign countries.

Journalist: A writer who is accused of bias by people who are hopelessly biased.

Liberal: A person who believes that consenting adults may have any sort of sex they like but shouldn't be permitted to share a cigarette afterwards.

Lipstick: A cosmetic applied thickly to all campaign issues as a weapon of mass distraction.

Republicans: Members of a political party dedicated to important principles such as reducing government and taxes and vilifying all those who disagree with them.

Socialized medicine: Any plan that removes million of Americans from the ranks of those without health insurance.

"The fundamentals of our economy are strong": A political judgment best taken as a suggestion to stock your pantry with canned goods.

Talk radio: A medium of propaganda beyond the wildest dreams of Dr. Goebbels and the Third Reich.

Wind energy: Joe Biden.

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08261/912642-154.stm