Please send good vibes/prayers/thoughts this way.

Last fall I received a call from my half brother - we talk sporadically but we've always had a good relationship. During our conversation he asked if I'd heard from our father (a question we've been asking each other for 30 years) and my answer was the same as always, "no". When we'd finished speaking I decided I would look my father up - it took me all of $14.95 and 8 minutes before I had him on the phone. I called him up without thinking thru what I was actually doing. I was just as shocked to find him as he was at being found. LOL. After the initial shock our conversation was awkward and tentative. We exchanged numbers and began calling one another.

Here is a little background information:
My father left my mother for another woman "Nancy" when I was 7. My Dad married "Nancy" and raised her daughter Megan- while basically abandoning me (I had a brief relationship with him at the age of 16-I'm 46 now). During the brief relationship I did not get along with Nancy at all - after my visit my father and she divorced for a short period of time and she always blamed me for it.

I contacted my father last fall after about 30 years on a whim. Well it was the best spontaneous thing I've ever done. After months of talking on the phone we made plans to see one another. He's flown here twice in the last year to visit with me, my brother and our families and our reunion has been good emotionally for both all of us. He's apologized and acknowledged and took total responsibility for abandoning us and we've been able to forgive him and move forward. He and I now talk on the phone daily (from his secret cell phone-it's secret because Nancy hid or broke the previous phones) and we email one another frequently. My brother, my father and I are all ecstatic that after all these years we have reconnected and getting to know one another.

Here's the problem - my father's wife, Nancy of 40 years is having all kinds of fits and doesn't want him to have ANYTHING to do with me - his biological daughter. She erases my voice mails, intercepts cards from my children to their grandfather, turns my photos down, has violent fits after I talk to my father on the home phone (she doesn't know about the cell phone). I sent my father a guided biography journal for father's day to fill out for me. He spent months filling it out with all types of historical information/stuff and she took it and threw it away. Basically she's making it very difficult for my father with all this bickering about me. My father is hurt and angry because he says this should be the best time in his life - reconnecting with his children.

Basically she doesn't want me to exist. They are both in their 70's and my father is seriously contemplating divorcing her as he doesn't want to live the remaining days of his life fighting with her and he refuses to give his kids up again. She is responding to our reunion as if I am "another woman" instead of a daughter that simply wants to have a relationship with her father. It's the strangest thing I've ever heard of. I've not asked for anything other than my father's time - so I don't know why she's tripping.

Oh lest I forget - her daughter, Megan is very ill and bed-ridden and living with Nancy & my Dad. Dad has taken care of Megan for 47 years as she has severe mental health issues. He is furious that after all he's done for her daughter, Megan that she would behave so cruelly and selfishly because he simply wants to have a relationship with his own children.

This has been going on for over a year now with no signs of progress. My dad seems to be getting more and more impatient and frustrated. This should be a joyous time for all of us - but it's like a sick soap opera. I've reached out to Nancy twice and she is not at all interested in making amends with me.Please send prayers/thoughts/good vibes our way.

And your whole family...

Nancy sounds like a real piece of work. She sounds majorly messed up...

I hope all can be resolved, and soon...

:grouphug:

You know my father would have never known what type of person she was had I not made that impulsive call.

Take it from one who knows; parents die far too early.

How about if Dad gets a secret P.O. Box, in addition to his secret cellphone? That way he could have conversations with you, receive photos, and receive cards and letters.

Also, make sure he sees a lawyer and settles his affairs. Make sure the administrator, executor and/or trustee is NOT Nancy. Trust me, two years later, I am still straightening out a situation - two years after my dad's death.

Yes he has a P.O. Box and I use it when I send something important. He wants me to send things to the house so he doesn't have to get out and to also get Nancy used to the idea that I'm not going anywhere.

My guess is that those mental health issues have a significant genetic component that came from Megan's mom. Nancy sounds like she might have a personality disorder or at least leanings thereof (narcissistic or histrionic). She sounds controlling and probably is verbally abusive. I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

Her daughter is schizophrenic - I'm not sure if it's genetic. She does seem quite off. She recently went off throwing lamps and things because I called. But my father asked me to continue to call - she will have to get used to it. It just doesn't seem to be getting any better and I'm concerned about him. She sounds deranged.

Nancy's outbursts could hide some deep problems.

If she will not go, he should go alone. Life is too short to be wasted by fights and regrets.

I hope that somehow, someway, all of you should be able to find a common ground.

months ago - but she lied to the counselor about the situation and my father refuses to pay for any further sessions. She cannot be reasoned with. If he divorces her - they're both screwed - him financially and her as far as physical support to care for her daughter (she has to be lifted). She is acting against her own self interest.

if he can afford it, or you could lend him the money.

He, and you, need to hear from professionals who have seen this thing before and may be able to help.

Sometimes all of us, who are too close to what is going on, need an unbiased, professional and experienced point of view.

I hope that you will.

I really need some support in dealing with this - I didn't realize how much until last night. I've suggested my dad go to counseling but he thinks he can handle it - I'll suggest it again. Thanks!!

you, your father, and Nancy could perhaps talk to, like a religious leader (if you attend religious services).

I'll keep you guys in my thoughts. I couldn't imagine not talking to my father for 30 years.

isolated life. When I contacted him he had stopped doing much of anything. He told me that it was as if I gave him a new jump start in life.

Thanks for the good thoughts! This situation is really weighing me down.

:hi:

for another woman and sometimes it's immediate or over a period of time, the new wife gets in the way of the parent child relationship, and it eventually ends with no communication at all.

In my own family, my ex-husband's (we're still friends and reside with one another) father did that and my sister's ex did that to my niece. Neither ever reconciled with the abandoning parent. Both grew up quite troubled over issues of abandonment. My niece turned to drug use, got pregnant and then abandoned her child, whom my sister is now raising as her own. My ex still has some issues, luckily none that severe.

I can understand his insecurity about leaving Nancy and personally, I don't think he will.
Just remember that you are very lucky to have reconciled with your Dad and don't give up.

I don't know anyone else that has been able to reconcile with a father that left the family in this way. I also believe things work out for a reason - as he never really changed his stripes re: women.

I don't think he should leave her, nor do I want him to for - the man is 71 years old. I just hope that at some point she will allow him to peacefully have a relationship with his own children but my hopes are fading - it's been a year and she's still raising hell ad throwing temper tantrums. I can't imagine dealing with this type of drama in my 70's. Sheesh

It sounds like a stressful situation. Keep focused on the fact that you are only responsible for yourself -- and that includes the responsibility to take care of yourself. You are doing what is right for you.

"Family systems" tend to resemble a mobile hanging over a crib. When one piece moves, everything else must adjust. In many cases, such as your's, some pieces (we can code-name one "Nancy") attempt to resist changing. That results in the piece between the one that has moved (you) and the entrenched one ("Nancy") experience some turbulence, and bouncing in a restrictive pattern. This is, of course, your father.

The events from 30 years ago are something that Nancy isn't letting go of. That's sad. Those events are no longer "real," in the sense that they are long past. They are what Nancy is substituting for today. I'm glad that you are focused on what is real -- the actual relationship between you and your Dad -- and willing to put in the effort now to make a better tomorrow.

No matter what happens, you are doing the right thing. Others might, or might not. But again, you are only responsible for what you do.

I hope that your father appreciates what you are doing.

my father to be a fascinating experience. Thanks for the words of wisdom and encouragement. I'm finding it difficult to find many who understand or can relate to this sick soap opera I find myself in.

:hi:

Her mother died 4 years ago ~~ her parents had been married for 54 years when her mom died. The family was EXTREMELY close. My friend, her son, her son's girlfriend and my friend's ex husband all took are of the mom for the last 18 months of her illness. Mom was bed-ridden and in diapers. Before that, about 25 years prior, the mom had had a stroke and had difficulty feeding herself and she was in a wheelchair. Her dad took early retirement to care for the mom ~~ luckily he was a Teamster, had a lot of years in with a good pension and he could retire with full medical for himself and mom. For most of this time, everyone mentioned took turns caring for mom. The ex-husband even came over every Wednesday morning ~~ my friend's day off ~~ so that my pal and her dad could have a morning out to breakfast together for a break for both of them.

I could go on for HOURS how close this family was and how everyone pulled together and worked together. My friend and her ex husband even re-united over the 18 months that mom was beridden. This is one hell of a guy ~~ he fed his former mother-in-law, read to her, and changed her diapers when he stayed with her.

Mom died in late December 2004....enter the BITCH! :grr:

This women is just fucking evil. She and dad were married less than a year after mom died. The BITCH spent a good deal of time commenting on the dad's Teamster's pension when I met her ~~ unbelievalbe! At the wedding, the BITCH turned and looked at those in the church midway in the ceremony and gave this "cat ate the canary" smile that send chills down my spine ~~ ditto for the other sistah friends who were there for my pal.

Current status? My friend has NO clue where her dad is, has not spoken to him in about 2 years, and she is no longer considered his daughter. It is so bad, I had to get a restraining order against this BITCH. Why? Because I was a friend of the dad's and he had asked me about what he thought he could do to see his daughter on her birthday. Yep, this woman stalked me and would sit outside my house for hours in the middle of the night. She even blocked my way with her car. Picture of out of control rage. I guess she never realized that what she did was probably the wrong thing to do to a retired atty. Took me less than 10 minutes to get a court order that she stay away from me.

She is NUTS...and I think she is dangerous. IMO, I have no doubt that if my friend tried to find her father and establish a relationship, the BITCH would and could do harm to her.

Sooooo...it looks like the jealousy about the other spouse's children happends more than we might think.

Sorry this has happened to you ~~ I know the pain my friend has over this and it is truly painful. Good thoughts going your way. I hope you can re-establish the relationship with your dad and that he can get away from the BITCH in his life.

and selfish people can be. Yes she sounds like a real piece of work - she may be related to my father's wife.

...at a minimum they are soul ~~ or should I say soul-less ~~ sisters.

Gads...why in the hell would anyone be jealous of his/her mate's children by another relationship?

Unreal...!

It sounds like they are insecure women. Why else would a woman be threatened by a man's daughter?

too old to be that upset all the time. Perhaps he can come and be with you guys. I don't know. I just wish only the best for all of you. I am very sorry about this kind of stupidity and I'm thrilled for you to have your pa back. Hugs to all. Please let us know how this goes. I am worried for all of you.

She may feel very insecure & threatened by your father's past life. The selfishness comes from her insecurity. I'd be willing to bet that when she was younger & more attractive, she used her feminine wiles to get her way. Now that she's in her 70s, she's got nothing to use as leverage...except...ruining him financially through divorce.

Throughout his life after leaving your mom, I'd bet that your father was extremely guilty about leaving you behind. I wonder how many times he's brought your name up during his second marriage, because the fact is, this woman exhibits such insecurity that seems deep-rooted, a feeling that didn't arise out of thin air after so many years.

I'm a peacemaker type. My advice to you is to play up to Nancy & make her a friend. Some of life's experiences, such as working with people you wouldn't associate with outside the work environment, calls for being an actress; this is one of those times for you.

Addressing only your father in a secretive fashion only fuels the fire with Nancy. How about calling your father's home phone & speaking with Nancy? It may take awhile for her to melt, but I bet she will. Ask about her daughter Megan when you talk to her. Act sincere, as though you want to build a friendship with her.

If this doesn't work, then I like another poster's advice about your father seeing an attorney about having her removed as executor, etc., of his estate.

I wish you the best; I hope you can help make it better. :hug:

not once but twice and she pretty much knocked it out of my hand. She's really a nasty person. I think I'll just ensure that I have the appropriate support I need, continue getting to know my father and let him deal with the woman he chose all those years ago.

BTW - we speak on the phone from home at least weekly - and she's thrown violent temper tantrums and we cannot speak freely. It's much better for he & I to speak in private so we can get to know one another freely without the need of him being concerned with how she's misinterpreting something said. This reunion is really not about Nancy - it's about me and my father reconnecting while we still can. I just hope we can continue to stay focused - and not allow this twisted soul to distract.

Thanks for your advice.

:hi:

Edited to provide more clarity.

I can tell from the words you've written throughout this thread that you're the better person. And you're right, your relationship with your father is not about Nancy, but she is in a position to create problems, healthwise & financially, for your father.

I would look at her like a challenge to be won & I would make it my mission to win her over. I'd play up to her, ignoring every snide tinge in her voice, & I'd be persistent about it. Once or twice isn't enough, dear -- please try to think of it as a challenge & continue taking the high road. I do think it would work.

I promise you, if you two did reach the point of civility, you'll feel a lot more peaceful; if it doesn't work, you will have gained a huge satisfaction of knowing that you tried.

Psst...I am a second wife who had to deal with an ex-wife from hell for the first couple of years of my marriage. I know what I'm talking about when I advised you to take the high road. I want you to succeed & feeling great about what could be a great accomplishment.

Can't be with you for a hug, so :hug:

You are very kind.

BTW-I've had to deal with the ex-wife from hell years ago as well - I know how "crazy" that can be. LOL - the good thing is that we made it and can help others along their journey of being a second wife.

:hi:

Has there been a diagnosis?

Do you know her daughter's?

case of "Psychotic Bitchinosis" - there is no known remedy for her disorder.

:silly:

You and your brother should jump in a car and drive over to see your father and half sister. If Nancy behaves like the moron she clearly is, tough! Give her a lecture on family and tell her that she'd better improve the family relationship because her daughter is going to need family when they eventually die.

I'd never let some miserable old woman prevent me from seeing my father. I have no doubt she hates you and your brother because her daughter is ill. Seeing you is probably very painful for her (I'm assuming she's an 'Xtian) since she has her own guilt issues and believes her daughter's illness is punishment for destroying your father's first family.
Your situation does not need prayers or good vibes - it needs action. Stop behaving like the seven year old kid and tell that old bat some plain truths. Just show up at their house over the holidays and tell her some truths.

Just my two cents. Good luck.

Megan is of no relation to me, she is not my father's child - thus I assume no responsibility for her care once her mother and my father are gone.

As far as flying across the country, to march to their home and give her a good talking to - that would be an excercise in futility that would end terribly. That's my father's problem - if anyone needs to take action - it's him.